Love and Relationship Advice Blog

Why do we repeat the same BAD relationship patterns--even when we know we're doing it ?

We all want great relationships but when it comes to making the changes that will allow us to experience something better, something happens...

Even though we may want to change, most of us have a tough time doing it!

Even if we know what we need to do, we don't do it!

Here's a question from a reader that most of us can identify with because we've all been there--and maybe even there right now...

***QUESTION FROM A READER:

"Even though we know what we are doing 'wrong' in the way that we speak to each other, why do we keep repeating the same bad patterns. We have gone to counseling, we have done the personal growth stuff....we can even manifest some amazing stuff when we are truly "in tune" with each other...But some days it's as if we haven't learned anything and we push each others buttons and we don't listen and we are not 'in the moment' at all.....WHY AFTER ALL OF THIS LEARNING AND KNOWING DO WE STILL REPEAT THE WRONG THINGS..TONES OF VOICE & ASSUMPTIONS?? WHY HAVEN'T WE TRULY 'GOT IT' ALL THE TIME!!!!"

>>>OUR COMMENTS:

We want to acknowledge the two of you for taking action to move from what holds you back in having a great relationship--and you can stop beating yourselves up that you haven't truly "got it" all the time.

None of us get it perfect all of the time.

The trick is to have it better and better more of the time.

And what a great question--

Why do we keep repeating the same bad patterns?

The short answer is that it's just more comfortable and easier to allow yourself to go on auto-pilot and react from old habits.

It's not so comfortable to challenge old habits, thoughts, ideas and fears--and go beyond the edge of what's "comfortable."

Somewhere inside us, we "know" what this habitual way of being will bring us (even if it's negative) and are not sure what making a change will bring.

We humans are creatures of habit--and even though on the outside, we may look like we're industrious, productive and innovative--most of us are quite lazy.

We're lazy in an unconscious way.

When we're tired, stressed or triggered, we go on "default" and whatever old tapes we're still carrying around with us get played.

Here's what we mean...

Let's take the "tone of voice" that comes out when you least expect it--and you know separates you from your loved one.

Both of us have struggled with this one.

It just seems to come out all on its own and we have no control over it.

Or do we?

When the two of us took a close look at what was happening at those times when we each had a tone of voice that made whatever tension there was between us worse---

We realized that even though we each had a tone of voice that said "I'm right (superior)--You're wrong (inferior)"--at those times, we were actually feeling fearful or threatened.

We were actually afraid that we wouldn't get what we wanted and that "tone of voice" was an unconscious way that we had learned to get what we wanted.

Sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn't--and even if it didn't, it all seemed to happen by default or habit.

If you want to stack the odds of creating a closer and more connected relationship in your favor, we suggest that you pick up a copy of our "Restart The Spark" program.

Here are a few suggestions from that program that have been helpful for us in our relationship as well many of
our relationship breakthrough coaching clients...

1. Look at your desire to change.

Now be honest with yourself. How important is it to you to make the change that you know you need to make?

We've discovered that the payoff for changing has to be really, really good in order to make changes in our habits.

Your relationship is a lot like your health...

If your doctor told you that it was likely you would go into kidney failure soon unless you changed your diet, if you
had a strong desire to live an active life, we're guessing that the payoff would be so great that you would make the changes, even though they might be difficult.

Be honest with yourself what's in it for you if you change.

2. Make your commitment

Make an honest commitment with each other about how you want your relationship to be and what you're each going to do to make it that way.

Are you going to slip up?

Of course you are.

Making changes is just like learning to ride a bike--you usually don't learn in one try.

When your body finally gets the knack of what it takes to keep the bike upright and going forward, you get it!

But you have to be committed to keep trying and keep discovering what may be holding you back.

3. Tackle your beliefs

Part of discovering what may be holding you back is really looking at your beliefs.

Let's go back to our "tone of voice" challenge...

When we got to the bottom of our beliefs that were underneath all that rightness and superiority, we realized the unconscious belief was that we had to "puff" ourselves up bigger than we were to prove a point, get listened to and get what we wanted.

Unconsciously, we believed that we weren't enough without all this "puffing up" as we call it.

When we both saw what we were doing, we could practice recognizing when the desire to "puff up" came on us, stop ourselves, and choose to listen and stay open instead.

As we said before, this didn't happen overnight but we rarely, if ever, use the "tone of voice" with each other anymore.

4. Create your Restart the Spark plan

Sit down together and actually come up with a plan how you're going to change in situations that come up over and over.

Write down what happens when you each get triggered, your particular "relationship dance" and what you each are each going to do to change.

Be sure to include why you are making these changes and your payoff.

Open to embodying your learning by tuning into your body to discover what's underneath all of your actions that keep the two of you separate.

Open to having the courage to stop yourself when you feel yourself going into your old habit.

Open to being kinder to yourself and to your partner.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 12:35 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

If jealousy or lack of trust is an issue in your relationship and life-- maybe it's not your fault...

Or is it?

Several people have asked us recently about the question of who's fault is jealousy?

They want to know...

Who's to blame?

AND

How can you stop it before it's too late?

As we've been helping people deal with their jealousy, if there's one really big hot button, it's this...

A feeling that they are being blamed (and solely at fault) for their jealousy.

If you are feeling blamed and completely at fault for your jealousy, here's something to consider...

Jealousy may not be you fault.

You heard us correctly--

Jealousy may not be your fault and here's why...

Even though we talk a lot about taking responsibility for jealousy in your life and the importance of taking action to heal it, there are reasons that may be beyond your control that contribute to it.

Here are a few of those reasons jealousy may not be your fault...

1. It's "normal" to feel jealous when you perceive that your relationship is in danger.

In fact, researchers say that it can be abnormal not to feel jealous when a partner is blatantly exhibiting conduct that you think degrades you and violates agreements you've made.

Extreme jealousy and jealous behavior usually falls outside the "normal" category but the point is, we've all felt jealous at one time or another and in some situations.

Jealousy isn't a character defect and there's no "jealousy gene" that can't be changed with some help--even though some of us are more predisposed to experiencing it at more intense levels because of what has happened in the past.

Jealousy can be a very normal reaction to actions that appear to threaten your relationship.

2. Messages that everyone cheats are all around us.

We are all constantly bombarded with images in the media that suggest that everyone cheats.

The truth is that because this message is so pervasive in our culture, it can unconsciously be lurking somewhere in the back of your mind and you aren't even aware of it.

Just look at top-rated television programs and real-life dramas of stars.

Cheating is one of the top story lines that gets all of our attention and hooks us in--but all of these dramas may hook us in more ways than what we bargained for.

Whether we like it our not, doubt and mistrust can be planted in our minds and we don't even realize it until jealousy shows up in our own lives.

3. A partner's actions can certainly contribute to jealous feelings.

We're not only talking about blatant acts that would cause mistrust in anyone.

We're talking about a partner who is closed to sharing much about himself or herself.

Maybe the partner is guarded, secretive, defensive, angry or blaming.

Whatever is the case, you can feel pretty insecure in the relationship and jump quickly in your mind to jealousy over seemingly small things if your partner is acting in any of these ways.

Okay, so we've given you three ways jealousy may not be your fault.

If you can relate to any of these, does that mean the you do nothing about your jealousy?

Of course not--if you want a better life.

Jealousy may not be your fault but you do have a choice to make if you want to make some changes that will create more of what you want--or not.

If you do want to take some steps toward healing jealousy, here are a few ideas to help...

1. First of all, take "fault" out of your thinking when it comes to jealousy.

It's just not helpful to think that way because if you are jealous, you may not be feeling very good about your situation and if you "blame" yourself, you'll feel even worse.

That's not the direction we want you to take!

2. Adopt the attitude that "this is what is right now" and start finding ways to feel better.

Look honestly at your situation and start learning some new skills that you know can help you.

It might be learning new ways to communicate.If you need help, you might check out our "Stop Talking on Eggshells" program available here that teaches you how to say what you mean to say in a way that your partner can hear.

It might be learning a new skill to help you relax, like taking a yoga or meditation class.

It might be turning your focus to something that you are passionate about.

If you've been caught up in jealousy, these feelings can be all-consuming and you can feel like your interests and passions have fallen by the wayside.

Along with learning some new communication and trust-building skills--and practicing them, it can be very healthy to turn your attention to yourself and what you love or used to love to do.

If you want to discover some terrific new communication skills you might want to read this web page and if you'd like some additional help with trust building you might want to check this out Relationship Trust Turnaround.

While these ideas are certainly not all you can do to help yourself whip the jealousy issue in your relationship and life, these ideas can help you move closer to overcoming it so that it's not a major problem for you.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 07:12 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Is good communication a mystery sometimes between you and your partner--especially if you both lead busy lives and time for the two of you is hard to come by?

Try our 5-step communication communication recipe for busy couples (especially when it's tough)...

1. Relax

It might seem crazy to suggest that you relax because you're probably stretched to the limit on demands for your time and attention.

If your mind goes a mile a minute, you're always on the go, you never have time for yourself or your partner--it's even more important for you to help yourself by doing some inner relaxation.

There are lots of ways to start doing this but we urge you to start before it's too late--either for the sake of your relationship or for your physical body.

Inner relaxation can be as simple as taking a long, deep breath every hour or saying to yourself in a
gentle tone--"relax."

You can start a simple meditation practice of sitting and breathing for 10 minutes or so.

Whatever it is, focus inward and feel the knots untie.

Can't stop your mind?

Our new favorite phrase from singer-songwriter Shawn Mullins might help--

"What if it's all okay without me knowing?"

When you are relaxed, you are more open. When you are more open, you can communicate better.

2. Release

Release old hurts from the past--with old partners as well as your current one.

When you are carrying around old, unresolved hurts, it's so much easier for you to get triggered and close down communication with others, especially your loved one.

If you are carrying around a hurt that needs to be expressed to your partner, do something to resolve it.

And a starting point is to just feel it inside your body instead of mentally explaining it away or mulling it over and over.

Whatever it takes, release it.

3. Remember

Remember why you are with your partner--what it is that you love about him or her, what it is that you admire.

So often, as relationships age and lives get busy, one of the first things to go is gratefulness and admiration for each other.

Take one moment in the morning and one moment before you go to bed to remember why you love your partner.

Start voicing that admiration.

It just takes one moment.

Watch how you begin to open deeper with each other.

4. Re-focus

Re-focus your attention on what is important to you--even if your life is really busy.

Be sure that you are making conscious choices about how you spend your time and energy.

If your partner is important to you--and communicating with him or her is also--stop yourself from going on auto-pilot as you go through your day and just take a moment to focus on it.

If you are focused on the thought that you don't have time, you won't have time.

If you are focused on the thought that you love your partner and want to get close, that's what can happen.

Notice your focus and then be conscious about it.

5. Re-commit

Be conscious about your commitment to each other.

Most of us take our commitment to each other for granted and we never think about it.

To begin truly communicating again, get conscious about what your commitment means.

It might be that you commit to finding opportunities to connect during the day, like emailing or texting.

It might be that you commit to having 30 minutes of time on Wednesdays to be together without distractions.

Whatever your commitment might be, find ways to re-commit to each other each day--and your communication will begin to flow.

It might seem that we've given you all sorts of advice instead of communication tips.

Well--just like any building, you have to have a foundation.

In our experience, this recipe we are giving you is part of the foundation for a close, long-last relationship where communication is nurtured and open.

Our wish for you is to move toward this kind of relationship, if that is your desire.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 02:48 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Okay, so I'm the last woman who's a fan of Stephanie Meyer's "Twilight" series to see the movie Twilight, based on her first book.

While it certainly wasn't a "great" film, "Twilight" did bring up a few questions for me...

Do all women want a man who is mesmerized by them like Edward was of Bella?

Do all women secretly want to be swept off their feet, not just once, but continually by a man?

Does fascination for each other have to die as the relationship matures?

Here's a question from one of our readers--and our answer--that speaks to this and much more...

"My hubby once seemed mesmerized by me and my love, my very person, fascinated by my tiny quacks that determine the person that I am. Now he seems threatened, insecure, out to compete with me, or rather what is it that took away my power. I don't seem to get through to him, to tell him about my wants, or how his behavior of
inconsideration makes me feel. And yet he still seems in want of my love and acceptance."

Here are our comments...

Here's our take on what this woman is experiencing and you may be also...

At the beginning of a relationship, you are usually fascinated with each other and you either don't notice the quarks and warts or you ignore them because you're so much in love.

You are literally "blinded by the light" as Bruce Springstein sang about.

But as life gets in the way--you sometimes marry or deepen your relationship commitment, have children, go on with your careers--irritations and differences come up.

You might even wonder whatever happened to the woman or man I married or decided to commit to.

Women, especially, can start growing more confident and competent in their lives and as they do so, they can lose some of that fascination they had for their man.

Their attention is also usually pulled in many directions, especially if they have children, and the man can wonder what happened.

Are we blaming women?

Of course not.

Men have their own challenges with maintaining the intense focus that kept the relationship growing and exciting during dating.

Men can start getting "comfortable" in the relationship and forget how to make her feel special.

In other words, they start taking each other for granted.

So here's a question for the woman who wrote in to us (as well as anyone else who has felt this way)...

Are you mesmerized and fascinated by your husband?

Chances are the answer is no.

We're guessing that this couple is playing a game that many of us like to play when we feel hurt or frustrated by
the other person and trying to get back at him or her.

It's called the "Gotcha" game.

"Gotcha" is typically what many of us automatically do in response when we feel that someone else has inflicted pain on us.

It's a pay-back. Although "Gotcha" is usually an unconscious protective device, it ends up being an intentional act to make someone else pay.

"Gotcha" can come in many different shapes and sizes...

1. Withholding love, affection, or sex

2. Cutting, satirical remarks

3. Physically walking out or refusing to talk

4. Physical and emotional abuse

5. Superiority

6. Busyness and avoidance

(and many other ways)

Most people don't make the connection that when they are trying to pay someone back because of a perceived wrong, they are acting from their pain, fear and from past patterns.

We offer a lot of great tips for dealing with relationship issues like these in our program "Communication Magic" that you might want to get a copy of.

Here are some suggestions to help you quit playing the "gotcha" game...

1.Come into an awareness about your part in the "gotcha" game. Ask yourself when you first started playing it.

2. Recognize your patterns. Which of the behaviors that we listed in this article do you fall into when you start playing this destructive game?

3. Make the choice to not run away when you figure out you're doing it.

4. Ask yourself what types of situations and behaviors trigger you to react from the "gotcha" position.

5. When you have this information and you feel safe enough, talk with your partner about what you've learned. Choose a time when you aren't playing the game.

6. Talk about your part in the game and ask if your partner sees the dynamic and if they see their part.

7. Listen to each other, no matter how difficult it might be at the time. Stay with the process by remembering that you love your partner until you understand one another.

8. If your partner refuses to talk about it or take responsibility for their part in the game, you have the choice to keep playing the game or to withdraw yourself from it by speaking what is true for you and not from your pain and pattern.

"Gotcha" can be a very destructive game that many couples play.

We suggest that you stop when you find yourself playing it and choose love instead.

Recognize when you go into your pattern of "gotcha" and choose healthier ways of expressing yourself.

Instead of moving away, take a step toward one another with an open heart--even if you have to take the first
step yourself.

Susie

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 10:20 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)