Relationship advice for deciding whether to stay or go
Trying to decide whether to stay in a relationship or leave is certainly one of the most difficult decisions you ever make in your life. The recent controversy over Jason's very public breakup on the Bachelor brought to the forefront of what many of us face at least once in a lifetime.
So how do you know when it's right?
Here are 4 questions to ask yourself if you're considering leaving your relationship or getting divorced. Your answers to these questions will give you a lot of insight into what decision is best for you.
1) Why are you considering leaving this relationship?
When things get tough, most everyone has had the thought roll through their minds at some time or another that maybe they might be better off without their partner. Although this question seems obvious, reflecting on it will shed light on how deep your pain is in this relationship.
2) What is the real reason you are considering leaving this relationship?
There’s always a reason underneath what you say is the problem. This question is not to trivialize your answers to the first question but rather to ask you to delve deeper. For example, if Susie had been asked this question about her previous marriage, she would have answered the first question with – “We no longer have the same interests, the passion has gone out of the marriage and we seem to be leading separate lives.” After going deeper, she would have said, “I realize I will never get the love that I want in this relationship.”
3) How will the other people in my life be affected if I stay or leave and can I deal with that?
We never know how others will be affected when we make a decision of this magnitude. Don't make this bigger or smaller than it is. While we need to consider how this decision will impact them, the ultimate, conscious choice should be ours and ours alone.
4) Is there any chance the two of you will be able to heal the issues surrounding this relationship?
Ask yourself if both of you are willing to do what is necessary to break down the walls and heal what is happening between the two of you. If you are considering whether to stay in or leave a relationship, these 5 questions are a good way to begin to focus your thoughts. If you are interested in delving deeper into this question, you’ll find many more questions, insights and personal stories in our course “Should you stay or Should you go?.”
Comments
Dear Suzzie, Otto and the Team.
Thank you for all the valuable information and for your support. Since last year you continued to give me hope and an opportunity to take a good look at myself and my relationship. After 5 years of marriage I discovered that my husband had been having a long term affair. I made all the possible mistakes trying to get him to see that I'm not going to give up on us, and that what he was doing was terribly destructive.His first affair ended and soon I discovered that he was trying to seduce another married woman at work. That came as a shock. It made me think a lot, I realised that the affaires had nothing to do with that other woman. I realised that I wasn't fighting the other woman but my husbands broken and confused self. You can never change anyone, or help them unless they want to be helped. What's worse, sometimes by trying to help too much you disempower your partner, take their responsibility away from them and help them disown their share in the crumbling relationsip. Suzzie and Otto's materials drew my attention to the role I was so willingly palying in the disaster scenario of my marriage. I learned a lot. Now, after a 6 month period of calm and rebuilding trust, my husband strayed again. This time I cought him before it had a chance to develop into a relationship. Thanks to the knowledge that I have now, however difficult it was, it didn't destroy my world and it din't make me fall to pieces. I kept my cool. There is one question remaining. Should I stay or should I leave? I know that we both love each other. I also know that my husband has unresolver emotional and self- esteem issues. I know that if he did seek help he would double his chances for a successful relationship with me or any other woman out there. I also know that he had been avoiding his issues. Logicaly, I should leave. My heart, though, tries to hold on to hope that somehow a miracle will happen. Why is it so, that knowing what is best for you isn't enough to convince you to take action? Why is there a part of me that is willing to go through all the trauma, humiliation, heartache while it isn't loneliness that I'm scared of? Am I dependent on him? Does fixing his life give me a sence of meaning in my life? Anyway. I thought I would share this with you as I'm sure there are quite a few of us- the readers who have the same questions go through their minds.
Love
Angie
Posted by: Angie | April 16, 2009 06:41 AM
This problem is continually going through the minds of those who find themselves "out of the blue single". It is a whole new world to deal with, being alone, and they have plenty of time to reflect on the relationship and give thought to what went wrong. However, this usually results in depression and the person finds themselves struggle to do one thing but think about their ex. It is at this point when they seriously begin to consider, "How Can I Make My Ex Want Me Back?". The answer to this question will probably be very simple for some yet very hard for others.
Relationship Breaking Up
Posted by: Sabina Hoefer | April 13, 2010 03:09 PM