Love and Relationship Advice Blog

In terms of priority, where do you feel like you rank with your partner?

Are you and your relationship their 1st priority?

Or are you and your relationship...

2nd... 3rd.... or (gasp) an even lower priority?

If you and your relationship is a top priority to your partner-- then, we say congratulations because there are many people who would love to trade places with you.

The reason we say this is...

As we've been working on the content for our teleseminar and webcast we're doing in a few days (on April 1st) called "What to do when he's looking at and paying too much attention to other women..."

We couldn't help noticing a common feeling being expressed over and over from the people who wrote to us about this issue--the feeling of not being important and not feeling like a priority to their partner.

Feeling like you aren't important or your partner's priority can be a very lonely feeling. Those feelings can cause
you to act in jealous ways and cause feelings of doubt and mistrust.

Here's a note from one of our readers who is trying to deal with this very situation...

***QUESTION FROM A READER:

"Hi there, thank you for all your advice on relationships. My question is ... When we have spoken of an issue like
broken agreements--he says he will ring the next day but the phone call never comes.

"He claims to love me and I have expressed the feelings I have when he breaks his promises. All my past relationships, family and partners--I was always a low priority.

"I am attractive and slender and make my feelings known so that I am up front and men don't have to guess as to
what I am.

"The present relationship has been going for 3 months and we have a wonderful closeness....... when he does
eventually call........ only when he has the need for sexual intimacy.

"I feel wonderful when I am with him and then the cycle repeats. I have explained how I feel that my self esteem
is affected and he says he will try harder, but he doesn't and I feel deflated once again.

"What or how do I make sense of it all as I am consumed with this feeling that I will always be a low priority in anyone's life?"

>>>OUR COMMENTS:

So you've expressed your feelings to him about his broken promises but nothing changes. You still feel like you're
not a priority in his life and you're pretty upset and frustrated.

The problem is that you get amnesia when you are with him and you're feeling close to him--right?

You think "maybe he'll change this time" but he just keeps doing the same thing over and over.

Something important to realize about this situation is...

He's not changing because he doesn't have to--and some part of him doesn't want to either.

While we really don't know what's going on inside him or his motivation, or rather lack of motivation to follow through on his promises...

We're guessing that when he promises he'll call you, he has no intention of doing so.

He's learned to say "yes" and agree (probably not just with you) because it creates less hassle in the
short run for him.

Or maybe saying one thing and doing another is a habit and a coping mechanism that he unconsciously uses to get through his life.

The bottom line is that in your experience, you've attracted someone to you who breaks promises you think you've made with him--and that makes you feel unimportant and once again, a low priority.

Understanding those thoughts about him, here are some ideas that may help you move forward...

1. Inside you, go beneath the "wonderful feeling"
when you are with him and feel what you are
really feeling about your relationship.

Because you're suggesting that he calls only
when he wants to get you in bed, we're thinking
that you are doubting that this "wonderful feeling"--
while nice--is building a foundation for true love
and connection.

So just be honest with yourself.

2. As tough as it might be to admit--if you
are feeling that you are a low priority in
everyone's life--and always will be, what you
are really saying is that you are a low priority
in your own life.

Start identifying ways you can make yourself
and your wants and desires a higher priority
to you.

Maybe you jump when others say jump without
checking inside yourself first to feel if what you
are being asked to do is right for you at this
time.

It may be that you are waiting around for this
guy to call and not living your life.

We suggest that you write down some things
that you'd like to do and other people you'd like
to be with--and then start broadening your life
to include these new experiences.

Don't make him the only source of your joy.
Make yourself important in your own life.

3. We're glad you're up front with your feelings
and we suggest that when you express these
feelings, you also talk about the kind of relationship
that you want--and invite him to talk about what
he wants. Then listen closely.

Something like this...

"I feel frustrated and upset because you don't
call when I thought we had an agreement. I
want to be in a relationship where we each
say what we mean and mean what we say.
I'm wondering what our commitment is to one
another."

We cover a lot more strategies that could probably help you in situations like this in our "Stop Talking On Eggshells."

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 05:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

On Monday we're going to start taking registrations for a new teleseminar and webcast we're going to be offering where we'll give you our best solutions for--

"What to do if your partner is looking at and paying too much attention to people of the opposite s.e.x. "

Because we've working on the content for this new teleseminar and webcast...

It also couldn't help but make us wonder...

What if you're in a relationship or marriage and you're being wrongly accused?

What if your partner doesn't trust you and is jealous--but you haven't done anything to deserve mistrust?

When it comes to this kind of mistrust, here's what we can tell you...

If your partner is continually accusing you of being unfaithful and you're not having an affair or breaking any
commitment to him or her, you are probably very frustrated and upset.

Whether it's something small or something much bigger--this hurts.

You may love your partner, but you just want him or her to believe you and stop being so suspicious.

Here are some ideas from our book and audio program "Relationship Trust Turnaround" that you may find
helpful in understanding and breaking this destructive cycle...

1. Take a microscopic look at one incident when your partner was jealous and mistrustful of you.

Now here's the hard part...

Without getting triggered, listen to your partner's fears and what he or she thinks has happened or will happen.

We know that it's difficult to stand by and listen to what you think are false accusations without defending yourself
but just this once, listen as an observer.

Given past experiences of your partner--maybe with you or with previous partners, do you see any glimmer of how your actions may be misinterpreted by him or her?

Look closely and look from your partner's point of view.

Maybe you're a lot more outgoing than your partner and you like to talk and joke with other people--and some of these other people happen to be of the opposite gender.

While there's certainly nothing wrong with being your outgoing, friendly self, to an insecure partner, this can seem threatening and some of your actions could be misconstrued.

Maybe you work with people of the opposite gender and your partner has a tough time trusting that you aren't fooling around with a co-worker or that a co-worker isn't flirting with you.

Maybe you and your partner don't spend much time together because of busy work schedules and you spend most of your time with co-workers.

Maybe you are friends with an ex and your partner is threatened by your friendship.

So we're just inviting you, without taking on any blame, to take an objective look from your partner's point of view at the scene or the situation that he or she describes--even though you probably see it quite differently--and see if you can imagine how the situation could look to your partner.

2. Listen to what your partner wants-without defending yourself.

Encourage your partner to go deeper than "I want you to stop being around ________(the perceived threat)."

Ask what your partner wants more of in your relationship. It might be more attention when you are out together. It might be to connect with you during the day.

It might be to spend more time connecting when you are together instead of you both engaging in separate activities.

Just listen and feel inside yourself if there's anything in what he or she tells you that you'd like more of also.

Now of course we are well aware that some people have had extremely negative experiences in the past that have closed them to trusting others--and it doesn't matter how hard you try to reassure him or her or what you do, nothing changes.

But there is a chance that there is something that the two of you can agree on that you'd like to have more of in your relationship--and that's a place to start.

This is especially true if you have been going around and around the same argument for a long time.

3. Reach inside yourself, feel what you want and then tell your partner.

Ask yourself what is important to you and be honest. There are no right or wrong answers here. Just be honest with yourself.

How important is that relationship with your ex or your co-workers?

How important is it that you be yourself around other people, especially those of the opposite gender?

How important is your relationship with your partner?

From your heart, tell your partner what's important to you in your life and what you want.

Here's a word of caution...

This telling your partner what's important to you in your life is much deeper and much more than "I'm not doing anything and I want the jealousy and mistrust to stop."

Saying this kind of thing--although that's what you may be feeling--will only put your partner on the defensive and
won't bring you closer to resolving your problem.

Instead, tell what you want for your relationship with your partner and how you want your life to be.

See if there's an opening for the two of you to move closer together.

Maybe your partner is willing to take a step to move closer to you and you're willing to include him or her in more of
what you are doing.

Maybe your partner is willing to try some techniques that will help him or her to stop jealousy and start trusting.

Jealousy and mistrust issues can be very painful for both of you and if you run up against a brick wall, we offer quite a few resources that you will probably find helpful....check them out here...
Susie and Otto's Best Relationship Resources

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 08:49 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Trying to decide whether to stay in a relationship or leave is certainly one of the most difficult decisions you ever make in your life. The recent controversy over Jason's very public breakup on the Bachelor brought to the forefront of what many of us face at least once in a lifetime.

So how do you know when it's right?

Here are 4 questions to ask yourself if you're considering leaving your relationship or getting divorced. Your answers to these questions will give you a lot of insight into what decision is best for you.

1) Why are you considering leaving this relationship?

When things get tough, most everyone has had the thought roll through their minds at some time or another that maybe they might be better off without their partner. Although this question seems obvious, reflecting on it will shed light on how deep your pain is in this relationship.

2) What is the real reason you are considering leaving this relationship?

There’s always a reason underneath what you say is the problem. This question is not to trivialize your answers to the first question but rather to ask you to delve deeper. For example, if Susie had been asked this question about her previous marriage, she would have answered the first question with – “We no longer have the same interests, the passion has gone out of the marriage and we seem to be leading separate lives.” After going deeper, she would have said, “I realize I will never get the love that I want in this relationship.”

3) How will the other people in my life be affected if I stay or leave and can I deal with that?

We never know how others will be affected when we make a decision of this magnitude. Don't make this bigger or smaller than it is. While we need to consider how this decision will impact them, the ultimate, conscious choice should be ours and ours alone.

4) Is there any chance the two of you will be able to heal the issues surrounding this relationship?

Ask yourself if both of you are willing to do what is necessary to break down the walls and heal what is happening between the two of you. If you are considering whether to stay in or leave a relationship, these 5 questions are a good way to begin to focus your thoughts. If you are interested in delving deeper into this question, you’ll find many more questions, insights and personal stories in our course “Should you stay or Should you go?.”

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 03:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Since there's so much being written on domestic violence right now because of what happened between Rihanna and Chris Brown, we thought we'd give you a few phone numbers and websites to help if you're in a similar situation or know someone who is...

If you are being physically or emotionally abused and want help, call the National (U.S.) Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE (7233) (TTY 1-800-787-3224) or visit http://www.ndvh.org.

The Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN) operates a national toll-free hotline for victims of sexual assault 800-656-HOPE (4673). Visit them online at http://www.rainn.org.

If you need help with alcohol addictions, contact Alcoholics Anonymous online at http://www.alcoholics anonymous.org/. Yahoo.com allows you to search for AA groups anywhere in the United States from their “Yellow pages.”

Al-Anon and Alateen help families and friends of alcoholics recover from the effects of living with the problem drinking of a relative or friend.

For information about drug addictions, go to Narcotics Anonymous, http://www.na.org

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 08:06 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Have you ever felt frustrated when your partner (or anyone else for that matter) didn't make some changes that you wanted them to make and because of this, you felt like you weren't being respected?

Most of us have felt that way at one time or another. We just wanted the other person to "respect" us in a certain
way and didn't know how to go about getting it.

One thing we've noticed is...

One of the reasons people who are considering leaving a relationship buy our book and audio program "Should
You Stay or Should You Go?" is that they don't feel respected, appreciated and important.

Yes, feeling respected is that important!

It's important to feel respected and be "heard" in a relationship--but what if the other person doesn't seem to want to make changes that you want him or her to make?

Here's a question from a reader who feels like she is being disrespected by a guy she's dating in a most unusual way...

"I have been dating a guy about 1 year. We both feel that there are a lot of good things/times in our relationship. A very big concern that I have is I feel that there is a lack of respect in our relationship. He does not feel the 'need'
to shower at night. This is a person who is very busy through the day.

"I feel that when there is someone with you, & you have that intimate relationship, that it is good practice to shower, & have a fresh clean body, to be with another person. I do not feel that it is being obsessive, to 'wash' off the days wear & tear.

"He feels that he is being told what to do. I have tried to explain to him that it is simple consideration for another person. I know that I will not be happy in this relationship, without this simple consideration, & have tried to explain
that to him.

"I have tried to let this 'be', but it hurts me, feeling that he does not have this simple respect and consideration for me.

"I am wondering how we can work on this issue? There have been times that he has showered & it is very pleasant. I have tried to encourage him & told him that I appreciated these times. I have been trying to 'give it time'.

"He knows how I feel, & I keep hoping that he will realize that I am worth that little bit of effort. I feel that we are doing somewhat better about discussing things, & not shutting down. He acknowledged the unfairness to me because he is busy. I feel that this is a first step. But also am wondering if things will change to a point that I will be comfortable. I am very supportive and understanding of him & I want the same in return."

>>>OUR COMMENTS:

It certainly sounds like the two of you are doing a lot of things "right" by learning how to stay open to each other and not shutting down as you discuss hard topics.

And as you said, that's certainly a first step!

It also sounds like you are listening to each other but don't know how to move forward to break out of the stuck place that you're currently in.

Here's what we suggest...

Keep on working on your communication. If you need some more suggestions on staying open when it's tough, you might want to check out our Stop Talking On Eggshells program.

Also...

Try doing a re-frame.

Re-frame the idea that your boyfriend doesn't respect you.

Now before you tell us that he IS being disrespectful in his actions (or non-actions), try this idea on...

What you have is not a "respect" problem but rather a difference in "rules" for living.

You have a "rule" that says that you bathe before bed and it's a sign of respect for the other person when you do so.

Your boyfriend seems to have the "rule" that when you're tired from a day's work, you go straight to bed-- and it has nothing to do with not respecting the other person you sleep with.

When you asked him to adopt your "rules," he rebelled, dug his feet in the ground and won't change. To him, not showering before bed is not about respecting you.

To you, it is.

While it certainly says a lot that he acknowledges the unfairness to you, but as you said, you don't know if he will change--and you don't know if you can stand it if he doesn't.

So here are some ideas to help you...

1. Try the re-frame idea on and see if you can switch
your thinking from the highly emotionally charged
criticism that "he doesn't respect me" to "we just
have different rules."

When you do this--even in your thoughts--you are
making a shift to "neutral" and not criticizing him.

2. Talk with him from a heart-centered, non-critical
place. Even though it sounds like you've talked about
this situation with him, he may have felt put-down
and criticized--even though that may not have been
your intention.

Tell him you've appreciated how the two of you
are listening to one another.

You can tell him from your heart how you want to
be close to him--and that it's so much better for you
when he takes a shower before coming to bed.

Talk about your different set of rules that you
each have and try a "team" approach to solve
your problem.

Open your heart to him as you talk and ask him
if he's open to figuring out how you both can get
your needs met.

3. Decide if this a deal-breaker for you. In other
words, is this issue so important that you are willing
to walk away from the relationship if he doesn't
change?

So, before you decide to walk away if he doesn't
change, give some time and attention to making
some shifts and see what happens.

Here are a couple of suggestions from other readers that you also might try...

**Sleep in another bedroom and let him come to you when he decides to 'clean up"
**Volunteer to shower with him to give him a great incentive

One final thing about this topic...

We realize that infidelity, abuse or other major ways that agreements have been broken can be a very different ball game than our example and can require immediate action on your part--especially if there's been a repeat
pattern.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 02:30 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

If you've turned on the television in the past few weeks, we're sure that you've heard about the relationship trials of the young pop starts Rihanna And Chris Brown. They were most recently in the news for their physical fight that left Rihanna with a battered face and head and Chris with a police report.

Although facts are sketchy about their situation, jealousy is an issue that very likely sparked this latest violence.

Today, Rihanna And Chris Brown are supposedly back together and are "working through their issues."

So what advice would we give these two young stars if we were sitting in a room with them right now?

Here's a bit of what we would tell them...

1. Get help to stop the violence right now.

Both of you are playing with fire if you continue to be together without getting help to understand what's going on inside you and making changes in your life. It's apparent that you feel a strong attraction for one another but without professional help AND a true desire to change, the violence will happen again--and it could end up with Rihanna's death if nothing changes. So get help now. This isn't something you can do on your own--so get help!

2. Deal with your jealousy and infidelity issues.

Jealousy and the fear of infidelity certainly go hand in hand when it comes to intimate relationships. Often the person who is jealous has experienced loss in the past and any sign that a partner might be cheating sets off all those feelings of abandonment.

When this happens, a jealous person can withdraw or can fight back to prevent what he or she perceives might be taken away.

The threat of infidelity and cheating can be very real or it can be imagined.

We really don't know what's going on with these two young people and their commitment to one another but we do know that until they both deal with the relationship dance they have going on between them of "jealousy and cheating," their relationship will stay the same. They will keep parting and coming back together again and again.

Jealousy is usually just the tip of the iceberg, the outward behavior that gets attention. It's usually a signal that something very deep within a person needs to be healed.

Jealousy can be healed but it takes attention, intention and the desire to change.

3. Learn how to communicate and start building trust in small ways.

If they have any hope of being together in this volatile relationship, the violence has to stop--as we said before-- and along with dealing with the jealousy and infidelity, they have to learn how to communicate better and build trust.

They have to be clear on their commitments to each other and then follow through.

Rihanna And Chris are very young and we know that the whole super star way of life makes it pretty impossible to create an intimate relationship that is healthy, that lasts and keeps growing.

We suspect that you have to be pretty mature and know what you want to make this kind of relationship work in Hollywood.

With that being said--there are Hollywood couples who do have a good relationship--at least they appear that way--and we know that learning how to communicate with each other and how to build trust are at the foundation of these relationships.

If Rihanna And Chris can heal their issues that perpetuate this cycle of violence, they have to learn how to healthy ways to communicate with other and build trust one moment at a time with each other.

Do they have a chance at a happy relationship?

They do if they choose to make some big changes in their lives--and if you're in a similar situation, you can too!

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 10:33 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)