Take Kara and Joe for instance...

In Joe's opinion, Kara is constantly not thinking ahead, forgets something important and calls Joe to ask him to bring it to her since he works from home.

Normally, he does it and it doesn't bother him. But every now and then, he's overwhelmed with his work and it's
an interruption, takes his valuable time and he becomes very irritated with her.

In the past, even though he's irritated and even angry with her, he ends up doing it and not saying anything to her about his true feelings.

At these times, Kara doesn't know why he's acting "mean" and distant and they both feel a separation between them.

For awhile after that, they do what we call "talking on eggshells" and they don't know what happened and they don't know how to get back to feeling close again.

If this sounds at all familiar to you, we're not surprised because as we said before, most of us do some form of this "dance" from time to time.

Although it may seem like the complete opposite of what you might want to do or what might feel natural to do-- one of the best things you can do when you're having a difficult moment in your relationship or marriage is to open, even when it's difficult to do it.

You'll hear us saying this a lot but it's so true and worth repeating--

Everything you do either moves you closer to or further from the love that you really want. It's the choices you make in every moment that make the difference whether you keep a relationship alive or deaden it.

And, opening is a choice that you can make.

So how do you open up when you're triggered and feel closed, angry, or withdrawn toward the other person?

Here's what Joe did...

The next time Kara called and asked him to bring her something she had left behind, before saying yes, he tuned into himself to see how he felt being interrupted in that moment.

If it was no big deal, he said yes and did it. If he felt any twinge of anger or irritation, he took a breath and stopped himself from saying yes. He then asked himself what story he was telling himself about what it would mean if he told her no, he couldn't do it at that moment.

When he asked himself that question, he found out that he was afraid that she would be angry with him, shut him out and maybe stop loving him at some point.

As far fetched as that thought was--that she would stop loving him--it was a real fear for him.

So he acknowledged his thought or "story" that was would no longer love him and realized that he didn't really know if any of that is "true."

He also realized that he didn't trust that she could hear "no" from him, even if he said it in a loving way.

When he finally did tell her that he was busy and couldn't do whatever she wanted at that moment, he felt relief because he had been honest.

Kara was surprised and a little hurt but said she'd see him later.

When she got home, Joe told her how he sometimes feels when she asks for him to bring her something she's
forgotten. He tells her that he has a hard time saying no and honoring his needs. He also tells her that he doesn't want to feel separated from her because of this.

They talked about how they would like to handle this kind of situation in the future. They made an agreement about it and they stayed open to each other.

Here are 3 tips to help you to open so that the two of you can begin to come to a resolution about whatever differences you might be experiencing...

1. Own your stories-What is it you are telling yourself about this situation? Are you holding on to being right? Are you fearful about what may or may not happen or be true about the other person?

Take a moment and listen in on what you are saying to yourself about this situation. Ask yourself what it would mean if you didn't do what you think you should do.

If it comes down to a trust issue, no matter how big or small, acknowledge what you are feeling and find out if your feelings have any truth to them.

Whether there is or isn't truth them, acknowledging what you are thinking and feeling takes you out of the "closet" and allows for there to be understanding and openness between you.

2. Remember that you love or even like this person-What is your desire with this relationship? If it's connection and
love, then bring your thoughts back to why you love this person, even though you may both be at odds at the moment.

Remember that you aren't always at odds (even though you may think you are at the moment) and bring your mind and heart back to times when you were on the same page.

3. Share and listen with love-What is it that you want to share from your heart? Be curious about what you want and also what the other wants. Know that you both have choice and listen and share from that feeling of wide openness.

4. Make some agreements based on your sharing with each other. What can work for both of you?

In the case of Kara and Joe--

When she realized what was happening to Joe, Kara agreed to start thinking about what she might need the next day more of the time. She also agreed that if she did forget something she needed, she would ask Joe
first if he was interruptible and could spare the time to bring it to her.

Joe agreed to stay open and be honest with her about when she asked him to bring her something she'd forgotten.

Opening when you are triggered is a choice. You can stay stuck in negativity, possibly harming your relationship and certainly making your life miserable or you can choose to open to maybe another alternative or way of doing things.

The choice is love or distance. Which do you choose?