Relationship Advice When Your Partner Doesn't Seem to Want to Make the Effort...
As we've been talking about restarting the spark in your relationship over the past few weeks, a common question comes up for some people.
Here's what one woman asked...
"If I make the effort, will he make an effort also?"
What a great question--because it is just human nature to not want to stick our necks out if we're all alone on that skinny branch.
This doesn't just apply in our intimate relationships or marriages-- it also applies to all of our other relationships as well.
Here's what we typically find...
Before we start putting some energy into making some changes in the way we act or speak, we want some assurance that the other person will also make some changes.
We don't want to feel like we're the only ones "trying to make it better."
Whether the issues that come between the two of you are small ones or are significant...
If you're like most other people, you want to feel that you're not the only one who should make changes and you don't want to waste your time and energy if it's not reciprocated.
You also might not want to put yourself in a vulnerable position if your partner isn't going to do the same.
So what do you do if you want more spark in your relationship and are willing to try but you don't know if your partner is willing?
What do you do if you feel like you are the only one interested in working on your relationship?
The truth is that you can't be 100 percent sure how your partner will react.
But you can be pretty sure that your life and relationship will go along as it is if you don't do something.
If you can relate--and we all can at times, here are a few ideas for you to consider...
1. Decide whether opening your heart to more spark in your life is something that you'd like and if it is, decide that you want to do it for yourself.
Let's say that you'd like to start communicating better with your partner because sometimes it seems that you don't even like each other anymore.
One way to begin doing that--even without your partner even knowing about it--is to stop yourself when you think of his or her "bad" traits or what irritates you.
Just stop yourself and remember why you love or even like your partner. Remember times when you do connect.
2. Check in to see if you are making up stories in your mind about how your partner will react to the changes you'd like to make.
The truth is that most of us are not mind-readers and we really don't know.
So if you catch yourself saying that "He (or she) won't buy into this so why should I bother"--
You might tell yourself something like this--"I don't know if he (or she) will participate or not but Iwant to do this for me."
3. Consider that maybe there's something you can learn by listening and watching.
One of our Breakthrough coaching clients felt like she was the only one in her relationship "doing" anything to make it better because she read articles and books about relationships and her partner didn't.
She was very surprised to discover that when she stopped judging him and just observed, she could see signs that he had been doing his own work in his own way all along.
It just looked different.
So before you jump to conclusions, step back and allow some space to listen and observe your situation and your partner.
4. Learn to say it and stay open.
If you have something to say that is difficult, consider how you would like to have that said to you and then say it that way.
One of the quickest ways to kill spark is to say it and convey it in a way that blames the other person.
Go for what you ultimately want with your partner and see if or where there is ground to meet.
As we said, there are no assurances that your partner will give out the effort that it might take to regain your spark or closeness.
But if you do nothing, nothing will change.
We urge you to try a few of our ideas and see what happens.
