Love and Relationship Advice Blog

If there's one dynamic that's a sticky issue between two people who decide to be a couple, it's this...

One person feels the need to "retreat" every now and then and the other person feels unloved and abandoned when it happens.

Pretty simple to describe but not simple to deal with!

One of our long time subscribers to our newsletters wrote to ask if we support the "rubber band" theory in relationships in relationship breakthrough coaching practice.

We hope we're talking about the same thing because as we think about it, the first time we heard about the
"rubber-band" theory was when we originally read John Gray's book "Men are from Mars, Women are
from Venus."

While we know that many people get a lot of benefit from John Gray's gender difference information, we
think the issue is much broader and deeper than just being about a differences between men and women.

We have seen this dynamic too many times in both genders to assign one set of behaviors to one and another set to another.

In the past, we've called this dynamic the "relationship push-pull."

Here's a description of what we've seen...

One person (either gender) pulls away for whatever reason and the other person pushes in some form or another because he or she feels a loss of love and connection.

Why do some people feel the need to pull away at times?

--Overwhelm --the need to feel "in control" when emotions get out of control.

--Habit--the way you learned to "resource" yourself or make yourself feel better--maybe from watching someone in your family do it that way.

--Protection--you may feel threatened in some way and feel the need to withdraw and protect yourself.

So why do some people "push" when the partner pulls away (even though they may not think they are pushing)?

--Fear--you feel abandoned and fear that your love will be taken away from you.

--Habit--you learned to "push" when you weren't getting what you wanted.

--Protection--you learned to protect yourself from losing what you have by reacting and pushing.

We could go on and on but the point is that we are all different and react differently to situations and to the triggers in our lives.

What can you do about it if you're in this kind of dynamic?

The woman sent us the question told us that she and her boyfriend were working through it. He is beginning to recognize when he pulls away and is also trying to reassure her that he will be back.

She has shared with him how his pulling away makes her feel and she "allows him to pull away" but maybe "not at the level he thinks it should be."

We think the two of them are taking solid steps toward understanding one another, allowing each other to be who they are, and keeping their connection--even when it's tough.

Here are some more suggestions...

1. Notice your patterns and when you either withdraw and pull away or feel abandoned and either push against or withdraw.

Don't label it "right or wrong." Just notice what happens.

2. Go inside.

When you notice you are doing whatever it is you are doing to separate from each other, instead of trying to figure it out in your head, take your attention to the feeling.

From the feeling, you may get a sense of what you need.

For instance, if you withdraw, you may get a strong sense that you feel out of control or fearful for some reason and you need to be alone for awhile--and it may or may not have anything to do with your partner.

Or you may feel suffocated and it comes down to a fear of commitment and a fear of opening deeply to another.

If you feel abandoned, feel what you need--maybe it's reassurance and maybe it's just to learn to resource yourself in some way.

3. Keep the lines of communication open.

Like our newsletter subscriber, allow yourself to open to listening and understanding how the other person thinks and feels.

Even if you've been in a relationship with each other for many years, there is still much to learn if you truly listen.

Have the courage to say what you need--not from blame but from your heart.

If you're having trouble with communication, take a look at our Stop Talking On Eggshells Program

4. Resource yourself in new ways.

If you withdraw, as soon as you realize what your needs are, ask for time alone if you need it but reassuring your partner that you will be back and that you do love them.

Also take a look at your stories about why you need to withdraw. It might be a very real need but it also might be a habit that you no longer are willing to keep doing. You may want to learn how to "stay" when it's tough.

If you are with a partner who withdraws, you can begin to challenge the stories that are running in your head--that are old, habitual ways of thinking.

These stories might be--"I'm not good enough" or "They always leave." One way to deal with them is to challenge them and choose a better outlook for yourself.

Whatever pattern you discover, allow the space for something different to happen in your life instead of playing and acting out old, worn out tapes that no longer serve you.

Becoming conscious of what takes us away from love and then taking steps toward more love is life-long work.

But it doesn't have to be "hard."

It just takes a little courage and a willing, open heart.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 07:32 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Talk about a communication challenge!

Here's one for you...

When we are in a relationship with someone (especially our intimate partner or spouse) and we get triggered or
upset, the first thing that usually happens is that we shut down to the other person in some way or another.

Some of us get mad or just peeved and some of us withdraw, either agreeing to something we don't want or
disagreeing but withdrawing our energy.

However you shut down, the outcome is still the same--disconnection.

When you shut down emotionally or energetically, you are nowhere close to coming together on an agreement
and a way to proceed to resolve the difference when this happens.

No matter how insignificant the issue, resentment can build and continue to separate you from the love and connection that you both may want.

You start doing what we call "talking on eggshells," not really saying what you mean because irritation seems to be a constant between you.

So what can you do when this happens?

How can you learn to say what you mean when it's important to do so and it's difficult to do so?

Here's an example of what we mean and some ways to deal with this type of communication problem..

Take Kara and Joe for instance...

In Joe's opinion, Kara is constantly not thinking ahead, forgets something important and calls Joe to ask him to bring it to her since he works from home.

Normally, he does it and it doesn't bother him. But every now and then, he's overwhelmed with his work and it's
an interruption, takes his valuable time and he becomes very irritated with her.

In the past, even though he's irritated and even angry with her, he ends up doing it and not saying anything to her about his true feelings.

At these times, Kara doesn't know why he's acting "mean" and distant and they both feel a separation between them.

For awhile after that, they do what we call "talking on eggshells" and they don't know what happened and they don't know how to get back to feeling close again.

If this sounds at all familiar to you, we're not surprised because as we said before, most of us do some form of this "dance" from time to time.

Although it may seem like the complete opposite of what you might want to do or what might feel natural to do-- one of the best things you can do when you're having a difficult moment in your relationship or marriage is to open, even when it's difficult to do it.

You'll hear us saying this a lot but it's so true and worth repeating--

Everything you do either moves you closer to or further from the love that you really want. It's the choices you make in every moment that make the difference whether you keep a relationship alive or deaden it.

And, opening is a choice that you can make.

So how do you open up when you're triggered and feel closed, angry, or withdrawn toward the other person?

Here's what Joe did...

The next time Kara called and asked him to bring her something she had left behind, before saying yes, he tuned into himself to see how he felt being interrupted in that moment.

If it was no big deal, he said yes and did it. If he felt any twinge of anger or irritation, he took a breath and stopped himself from saying yes. He then asked himself what story he was telling himself about what it would mean if he told her no, he couldn't do it at that moment.

When he asked himself that question, he found out that he was afraid that she would be angry with him, shut him out and maybe stop loving him at some point.

As far fetched as that thought was--that she would stop loving him--it was a real fear for him.

So he acknowledged his thought or "story" that was would no longer love him and realized that he didn't really know if any of that is "true."

He also realized that he didn't trust that she could hear "no" from him, even if he said it in a loving way.

When he finally did tell her that he was busy and couldn't do whatever she wanted at that moment, he felt relief because he had been honest.

Kara was surprised and a little hurt but said she'd see him later.

When she got home, Joe told her how he sometimes feels when she asks for him to bring her something she's
forgotten. He tells her that he has a hard time saying no and honoring his needs. He also tells her that he doesn't want to feel separated from her because of this.

They talked about how they would like to handle this kind of situation in the future. They made an agreement about it and they stayed open to each other.

Here are 3 tips to help you to open so that the two of you can begin to come to a resolution about whatever differences you might be experiencing...

1. Own your stories-What is it you are telling yourself about this situation? Are you holding on to being right? Are you fearful about what may or may not happen or be true about the other person?

Take a moment and listen in on what you are saying to yourself about this situation. Ask yourself what it would mean if you didn't do what you think you should do.

If it comes down to a trust issue, no matter how big or small, acknowledge what you are feeling and find out if your feelings have any truth to them.

Whether there is or isn't truth them, acknowledging what you are thinking and feeling takes you out of the "closet" and allows for there to be understanding and openness between you.

2. Remember that you love or even like this person-What is your desire with this relationship? If it's connection and
love, then bring your thoughts back to why you love this person, even though you may both be at odds at the moment.

Remember that you aren't always at odds (even though you may think you are at the moment) and bring your mind and heart back to times when you were on the same page.

3. Share and listen with love-What is it that you want to share from your heart? Be curious about what you want and also what the other wants. Know that you both have choice and listen and share from that feeling of wide openness.

4. Make some agreements based on your sharing with each other. What can work for both of you?

In the case of Kara and Joe--

When she realized what was happening to Joe, Kara agreed to start thinking about what she might need the next day more of the time. She also agreed that if she did forget something she needed, she would ask Joe
first if he was interruptible and could spare the time to bring it to her.

Joe agreed to stay open and be honest with her about when she asked him to bring her something she'd forgotten.

Opening when you are triggered is a choice. You can stay stuck in negativity, possibly harming your relationship and certainly making your life miserable or you can choose to open to maybe another alternative or way of doing things.

The choice is love or distance. Which do you choose?

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 02:28 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Valentine's Day can be a great day to celebrate but if you're jealous or with a partner who is-it can be a day that you dread-but it doesn't have to be.

Note: If jealousy is a problem for you in your relationship, you might want to pick up a copy of our "No More Jealousy" program.

So how can you get through Valentine's Day and even be jealousy free?

Here's the problem with jealousy and Valentine's Day and one of the reasons why it spells disaster for couples with jealousy issues…

Valentine's Day is a day for lovers to express their love for each other in ways that may be a little out of the ordinary. They maybe get a baby sitter and go out to dinner or to a movie. They send cards, flowers, candy, diamonds-something to show love on this special day.

If either one of you is struggling with jealousy, you're probably not feeling very loving toward one another. Seeing
all of this expression of love everywhere that the two of you aren't feeling right now is rubbing salt in the wound.

You may even be comparing yourself and your partner with other people and are feeling alone and sad that you're
coming up short and maybe even a failure.

There are so many expectations about this one day that even if you didn't have jealousy in your life, it can really
create problems.

So what do we suggest?

We suggest that you put yourself and your partner on a 24 hour jealousy diet.

A 24 hour jealousy diet is an intention you create to be free of jealousy for one single day.

Here are 3 ways to help you do on this jealousy diet and actually enjoy it…

1. Stop comparing yourself and your partner to anyone else

Just for this one day, take your focus away from comparing yourself or your partner to other people. Forget about
whatever thoughts that come out about how attractive you are or your partner is.

Sound difficult?

Maybe.

But remember--we're only asking you to do this for a few hours.

And you never know until you try.

So try this when you have thoughts come up about how attractive your partner's co-worker is or how un-attractive you feel…

Take a deep breath and shift your attention inside you, saying something like this-"I love you."

You say this to yourself until you feel some ease in your body.

Try it every time you are envious of someone else or tempted to put yourself down.

2. Communicate what you want

To make your 24 hour jealousy diet really work, you have to communicate with each other about how you and your partner can make this day special.

Before you can do this, you have to figure out what you want and then how to express it.

If you feel like it's difficult to go within yourself and determine what it is that you really want or to express it,
we suggest that you turn your attention to one thing that you'd like instead of focusing on your fears of what your
partner may do or say or how they will react.

Do you want a quiet evening at home-just the two of you? Do you want a truce and a moratorium on the arguments you've been having so you can have a nice dinner in a restaurant? Do you want to laugh together at a funny movie?

Take a moment and think what you'd like during this 24-hour period?

If you're having trouble, we've got a whole course that shows you how to stop talking on eggshells and figure out
what you want and how to share with your partner.

We know that it takes courage to resource yourself and find the courage to communicate openly and honestly with your partner about what you'd like for this one day. But if you do, you'll see changes that live long past this holiday.

3. Make the commitment to treat your partner and yourself special on this one day

This may sound pretty far out there right now but in order for your jealousy diet to be success for this one day, it's
time to put down your defenses and your thoughts that separate you-and just treat each other with kindness and
love.

Here's an image to help you…

Put you're all of your comparisons, anxious thoughts, fears about past or future in a trash can by the door. Just throw them in. You can always pick them up again if you want-but for now, throw them in the can and put a lid on them.

You might even put a sign on your imaginary trash can-something like-"Don't open until February 15-and maybe not
even then."

Now, find one way to connect.

It might be letting go of your normal way of being suspicious for just once and just being yourself or maybe
the way you used to be.

It might be stopping yourself from making a sarcastic comeback and just listening.

It might be choosing to smile at your partner instead of frown.

Whatever it is, do something today that you haven't done in a long while that will bring the two of you closer together.

So we'll say to you-Have a jealousy-free Valentine's Day and please let us know if our suggestions helped make this day a better day for you.

Best to you on Valentine's day and every other day.

Susie and Otto Collins

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 02:42 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

As we've been talking about restarting the spark in your relationship over the past few weeks, a common question comes up for some people.

Here's what one woman asked...

"If I make the effort, will he make an effort also?"

What a great question--because it is just human nature to not want to stick our necks out if we're all alone on that skinny branch.

This doesn't just apply in our intimate relationships or marriages-- it also applies to all of our other relationships as well.

Here's what we typically find...

Before we start putting some energy into making some changes in the way we act or speak, we want some assurance that the other person will also make some changes.

We don't want to feel like we're the only ones "trying to make it better."

Whether the issues that come between the two of you are small ones or are significant...

If you're like most other people, you want to feel that you're not the only one who should make changes and you don't want to waste your time and energy if it's not reciprocated.

You also might not want to put yourself in a vulnerable position if your partner isn't going to do the same.

So what do you do if you want more spark in your relationship and are willing to try but you don't know if your partner is willing?

What do you do if you feel like you are the only one interested in working on your relationship?

The truth is that you can't be 100 percent sure how your partner will react.

But you can be pretty sure that your life and relationship will go along as it is if you don't do something.

If you can relate--and we all can at times, here are a few ideas for you to consider...

1. Decide whether opening your heart to more spark in your life is something that you'd like and if it is, decide that you want to do it for yourself.

Let's say that you'd like to start communicating better with your partner because sometimes it seems that you don't even like each other anymore.

One way to begin doing that--even without your partner even knowing about it--is to stop yourself when you think of his or her "bad" traits or what irritates you.

Just stop yourself and remember why you love or even like your partner. Remember times when you do connect.

2. Check in to see if you are making up stories in your mind about how your partner will react to the changes you'd like to make.

The truth is that most of us are not mind-readers and we really don't know.

So if you catch yourself saying that "He (or she) won't buy into this so why should I bother"--

You might tell yourself something like this--"I don't know if he (or she) will participate or not but Iwant to do this for me."

3. Consider that maybe there's something you can learn by listening and watching.

One of our Breakthrough coaching clients felt like she was the only one in her relationship "doing" anything to make it better because she read articles and books about relationships and her partner didn't.

She was very surprised to discover that when she stopped judging him and just observed, she could see signs that he had been doing his own work in his own way all along.

It just looked different.

So before you jump to conclusions, step back and allow some space to listen and observe your situation and your partner.

4. Learn to say it and stay open.

If you have something to say that is difficult, consider how you would like to have that said to you and then say it that way.

One of the quickest ways to kill spark is to say it and convey it in a way that blames the other person.

Go for what you ultimately want with your partner and see if or where there is ground to meet.

As we said, there are no assurances that your partner will give out the effort that it might take to regain your spark or closeness.

But if you do nothing, nothing will change.

We urge you to try a few of our ideas and see what happens.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 11:36 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)