Relationship Tips: “Are we having a bad day or has our spark died out?”
We all go through “off” times that seep into our love relationships. Perhaps the dark and dreary days of winter get you down. Or maybe you're facing some tough dynamics at your workplace that you can't seem to leave at the office. Whatever the case might be, these “bad days” can have an affect on your ability to stay open and connect with your partner.
But what if what you and your mate are experiencing is not just the residue of one or both of you having a “bad day?” How can you tell if the spark between you two has significantly dwindled or even died out?
These may seem like obvious questions. However, many times we tend to discount the disconnection we feel in our love relationship as a phase that will pass. It may seem more comfortable to you to chock up the distance you perceive between you and your mate as an “off” mood rather than acknowledge that there is something amiss in your relationship.
If you can relate, take our "spark" quiz...
Do you feel hesitant to honestly share your feelings with your partner?
Do you prefer to spend most of your time away from him or her?
Do you experience excitement when you and your love are intimate— or are going to be intimate?
Do you two enjoy spending time together regularly and frequently?
Do you frequently share passionate moments together-- these can include lovemaking but aren't limited to it.
Do you feel happy and fulfilled by your relationship overall?
It is not our intention to scare you with these questions. On the contrary, if you feel disconnection with the one you love, we encourage you to look deeper at what's going on and make the necessary shifts so that you two can enjoy the passion and closeness that you want.
But you can't turn toward connection and re-start the spark between yourself and your mate when you discount what that gnawing feeling in your gut might be trying to tell you.
Karen and Tomas seem to be in a rut. Their marriage of 20 years has been a relatively smooth one. Both are easy-going and neither has given the other a reason to doubt the commitment they both have to their relationship. More and more, however, Karen feels out of sorts, dull and even disappointed with her marriage. She loves Tomas deeply, but misses the passion and sense of aliveness that she perceives in other couples' relationships.
Karen would like to talk with Tomas about how she feels, but she's worried that she'll hurt his feelings. After all, he's done nothing wrong! Instead, Karen keeps her disappointed feelings locked inside and finds herself spending more and more time at a local art studio where she takes pottery classes.
Explore what sparks you.
There is nothing wrong with Karen spending time doing what she loves to do-- making pottery. But if she is using the pottery as a way to avoid Tomas and the disconnected feelings she has about their relationship, then ultimately, she's not helping either of them.
We recommend that if you feel like your relationship has lost its spark, take some time to rekindle it. This might mean that you explore what makes you, personally, feel more alive and passionate about life. But it also means that you extend those feelings-- and your honesty about the way things are-- to your partner.
Karen might choose to share with Tomas the way that creating pottery feels for her. He doesn't have to enjoy pottery to join in with her excited emotions. Karen could also be honest with Tomas and tell him that she would like to experience more spark when they are together. She can make it clear to him that she is not blaming either of them. Instead, she is expressing that she would like the two of them to explore ways that they can kindle more passion in their relationship.
Act on your spark inspirations.
Karen decides to have such a conversation with Tomas and she finds him quite receptive to her invitation that they re-start the spark in their relationship together. They sit down together and brainstorm a list of activities that might create more passion between them. Neither of them rejects the other person's ideas. Instead, they make this list and then choose 5 potential “spark starters” that they both are eager to try out.
After you and your mate have made the decisions to focus your energy as a couple on reconnecting and creating more wow in your relationship, it is vital that you follow through with actions. Get yourself into an open and creative frame of mind and then allow yourselves to be inspired. Share your inspired “spark starters” with one another and then make a commitment to actually try several out.
You might find that there's not one magical activity or practice that brings you closer and more connected with your partner. It's likely that the process of discovering “spark starters” together and the joy of exploration itself will bring that sense of aliveness and passion into your relationship. Have fun with this and enjoy the process!
We all have our comfort zones when it comes to intimacy with the special someone in our lives. Some couples choose to intimately connect in more traditional ways while others enjoy a wider variety of sensual activities. What do you do when your partner suggests that you two try role playing or fantasy to spice things up? Is this a healthy way to connect? 
