Love and Relationship Advice Blog

A couple of days ago, a friend of wished us a happy new year by telling us that "everything's going to be fine in 2009."

While this is certainly our wish for you, we think that our lives and relationships can be even better than "fine" in the coming year and so can yours.

We all can restart the spark--the spark in our significant relationship; the spark in our everyday lives; the spark in other relationships that are important to us.

We can ALL create more happiness and joy in the coming year.

We think it all starts with putting the spark back in your relationships and lives.

So as you're reading this, your question might be ...

How do you put the spark back or even find it after it's been buried under fear, distance, apathy, tiredness or disconnection?

Here are some ways that you can begin starting right now to invite more spark into your life...

1. Decide where you want more spark and make sure that it's truly what you want. Make sure that you are willing to make a few changes in your life and do a few things differently.

In what area of your life or which relationship would you like to enliven and enrich?

2. Make a change in a belief that holds you back.

Your beliefs come from thoughts that you think over and over--which can certainly come from past experiences. Wherever these beliefs came from, they can be changed if they no longer are in your best interest--if they hold you back from having what you want.

A great example of this is this...

Old belief--"I'm not loved and supported in a way that I want."

New belief--"Support is there for me to do what I want if I'm open to it."

You can start changing that belief by noticing when this new belief is true. In this case, when you feel supported and loved.

What's one new belief you can begin to adopt that will bring you closer to what you want?

3. Make a change in an attitude that holds you back.

Your attitude toward life and your relationships certainly create more of the same.

The trick is to change your attitude without "blue-skying" it or telling yourself something that you can not believe.

Here's an example of changing your attitude and the way you think about your partner...

Old attitude--"My partner will never make changes in our relationship."

New attitude--"My partner is my friend and I can start treating him (or her) that way."

What new attitude can you begin to embody that will bring you closer to what you want?

4. Learn a new skill and practice it.

To make any change, especially if you want to bring more spark to your life, you usually need to learn something new and then practice it.

For Susie, it's a deeper learning of how to stay present, grounded and open no matter what is going on around her.

For you, it might be a new way to relate to your loved one or it might be learning how to change your thinking to be more positive.

What's one new skill you'd like to learn next year that would make your life better?

What we know is that we all have the opportunity to make 2009 the best year ever.

We encourage you to open yourself to this opportunity of more love, passion and zest for life than you ever thought possible.

For more free surprise goodies during January, make sure you sign up for our Passionate Heart free on newsletter.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 04:25 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Yesterday, we saw an article that suggested that maybe the romantic comedies that some of us love to watch are actually harmful to our real relationships! This article was based on research done by relationship experts in Edinburgh and their findings posed some interesting questions.

They found that romantic comedies "give people unrealistic ideas about love and sex, and cause them to 'fail to communicate with their partner.'"

So the question that we ask is this...

What is it that we get out of watching these romantic comedy films and do they help or hurt our real relationships?

Of course it's mostly women who are drawn to watching these movies and sometimes they can get their reluctant partners to watch too. And we watch these movies not only because they are entertaining but also we see something in the main chararters' relationship that we want. We see the spark of passion and connection between them that we want more of in our own relationships.

The two of us agree with the researchers that a lot of these films show how NOT to communicate instead of how to communicate. The main characters often make some pretty big relationship mistakes but still come out happy, close and connected. We agree that this isn't real life and that you certainly have to learn to communicate because there's no room for expecting the other person to be psychic and anticipate our every need.

But what we can say about these romantic movies is this...

They give you a glimpse of what's possible but maybe not a realistic view of how to get there.

If you've never felt that feeling, these movies give you a way to vicariously experience what that might feel like.

If you're single and looking for a partner, we suggest that you feel the experience and have fun in it but don't shut yourself off from ever experiencing it with thoughts like "I can never have that" or "That's only in the movies."

Actually see yourself in this kind of relationship.

If you're in a committed relationship or marriage right and maybe you had this special feeling of connection and passion at one point but you don't so much now--turn your attention toward loving your partner in a new way.

Start learning some new ways to clear up the problems or even the boredom or indifference that stand in your way to passion and connection.

Don't shut down what you want and think that you can't have it.

Believe us when we tell you that love and passion can last and it can grow greater every day.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 01:03 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

It's the holiday season which means different things to different people. But chances are, no matter how unique your traditions may be, it's likely that you are busier and perhaps even more stressed out than usual. It's all too easy for the hustle and bustle of your life-- especially during the holidays-- to pull you and your partner away from one another and the connection that you might enjoy when life is calmer and less hectic.

You can keep and even enhance intimacy and closeness no matter how busy you feel. It helps when you stay present, aware and tuned in to yourself and to your love.

Yes, it's a season of joy, but it's also the season for lists, parties, shopping, baking, and socializing with family, friends and co-workers. Any or all of these activities can be happy and fun or they can be tinged with discomfort and even conflict. For example, if you feel like you live on a tight budget, the idea of purchasing or making gifts for everyone you care about may seem stressful or overwhelming. You might also have unresolved issues with your extended family or in-laws that can make even the jolliest of get-togethers miserable.

No matter what it's cause, stress and tension can not only interfere with your happiness and well-being, it can also spill over into your love relationship. How many of us have snapped at our partner about something that has absolutely nothing to do with him or her? It's also difficult to stay tuned in to one another when the usual schedule of time together is interrupted by holiday parties at work, in the neighborhood, friends' homes, etc.

Let's face it. Life is often busy enough that finding quality intimate time with your mate might be a challenge. But when you add onto that challenge the “demands” of the holiday season, it becomes even tougher.

There is hope! Try these tips for staying connected and close-- even during busy times like the holidays.....

Tip #1: Keep communicating.
While communication may not sound very sensual or passionate, without it your connection can suffer or be diminished. No matter how busy you feel like you are, make your love relationship a priority. After all, once presents have been unwrapped and all of the egg nog has been consumed, you still want to be in a close, connected relationship with this person!

Stay present when you are talking with your partner-- even if it's about something that seems insignificant or less important. As tempting as it is to multi-task, try not to do it. At the very least, make sure that you and your love have at least one conversation each day that involves just the two of you focusing solely on one another. Listen and share with love and attentiveness.

Tip #2: Keep making agreements.
As you communicate with one another, make agreements and check in with one another about old agreements so that you both feel empowered and excited about the holiday experience you create together. Don't assume that just because you've always celebrated the holidays in a certain way, your partner wants to continue. Be open to potentially new ways to share the season.

Let's say that every year in the past, you and your partner have stayed overnight for the holiday at your cousin's home for dinner and to exchange gifts. Your expectation might be that, of course, this is what you and your mate will do this year as well. We encourage you to talk about this with your partner before making firm plans. It might be that your love would like to do something different this year. Keep yourself open to possibilities so that you two can both create the experience you want and stay connected at the same time.

Tip #3: Keep connecting.
Continue to make time for the ways that you and your love stayed close before this busy time began. You might choose to alter your usual routine to accommodate a fuller schedule, but don't let your “together” time be completely pushed aside. Perhaps you and your love go out for dinner and a movie every Friday night. This might be a difficult date to keep as parties and shopping fill up the calendar. Instead, you two might set aside a different night each week where you stay home, cuddle up on the couch together and have your movie night in.

It doesn't matter if you two are walking the dog together every evening or perhaps are cooking dinner with one another. What's most important is that you keep doing things together and that you both stay tuned in to the moment and to each other while doing whatever you are doing.

This sense of presence and priority even in the midst of busier than usual times, can help you and your love stay connected, close and enhance intimacy.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 12:25 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Would you like to enjoy a deeper, closer connection with your love? If so, we recommend that you two create space in your relationship. This may sound like the exact opposite way to get closer, but we think it's key. When there is space for each of you to know what you want, follow your bliss and communicate your needs and desires, then there is actually more space AND potential for connection and passion.

In essence, greater space in your relationship allows you and your partner to fully explore who you each are as individuals and therefore come to one another better able to give and receive deep heart-felt love.

But isn't space the same thing as distance?

Absolutely not. Although if you read the definitions for “space” and “distance” in the dictionary you might find that the definitions for these two words are similar, when it comes to your relationship, they are quite different. When there is distance between you and your love, there is usually a sense that there is a block or wall between you two. Communication just doesn't seem to flow easily and misunderstandings can happen frequently. Sometimes one or both of you are jealous, fearful or angry much of the time.

Basically, when there is distance between you and your mate, neither of you is very happy and you certainly don't get to enjoy a feeling of connectedness very often if you do at all.

Space, however, is a totally different story.

Have you ever watched a candle flame? After you've ignited the candle's wick, if you put a snuffer over the flame the fire is smothered and goes out. If, instead, you stand back and admire the ignited flame-- giving it plenty of room-- it usually remains lit.

You and your love-- and everyone else in the world-- each have an inner spark. It can be smothered and even completely extinguished. Of course, we can smother or put out our own inner sparks through the choices we make. But those who are close to us also can have an effect. Conversely, we can do what it takes to listen within and nurture our individual sparks and allow them to grow and flourish. Those we love can support and positively affect that nurturing.

When you allow space between yourself and your partner, you are creating room for that nurturing of each person's inner spark to happen. And you probably know that when you are feeling nurtured and free to be the best you, you can be, you almost always come to your relationships in a more open spirit. This usually makes communicating—even about the tough stuff-- flow easier. It can also make sharing passion and love a deeper, more satisfying experience.

Create space for yourself.

One way to create space in your relationship is to give yourself permission to know what you want and allow yourself to expand as you change and grow. Sometimes, especially in long-term relationships, there is a fear that, “If I change, my partner will be left behind or feel threatened and we will grow apart.” Perhaps you've seen this happen in other relationships and have perceived change to be the culprit. In order to “protect” your relationship, you may have even vowed never to change. This is just not realistic or conducive to connection!

We are evolving beings and when you ignore your own natural inclinations to change, grow and expand, the results are usually unhappiness and dissatisfaction. It's time to let change off the hook and realize that the changes you make in your life can (and often do) have positive effects on not only yourself, but also your relationship and your mate. Again, when you are nurturing your inner spark and giving it space to grow and flourish, you usually come to your partner and relationship a more open and happy person.

Create space for your partner.

Just like that candle flame being snuffed out, it's likely that we've all felt crowded and hovered over by someone else at one point in our lives-- it was probably even a loved one who was crowding us. Remember that and make it your intention not to crowd or hover over your mate. Again, you may have worries or concerns that giving space will lead to trouble. As we've pointed out before, the opposite is almost always the case.

To create and allow space for your partner means that you have to trust him or her. If a sense of mistrust is contributing to you hovering over and limiting your partner, look closely at what unresolved issues or beliefs are behind the mistrust and then work to turn trust around. Ultimately, take the steps you need to take to allow your love to nurture his or her inner spark.

You can take it one moment at a time. When you feel called to explore something new (or perhaps something old that you didn't follow up on), do it. Give your love that same allowance from a place of trust and encouragement. Let your heart, rather than fears or worries, guide you. Be sure to watch for signs of ease and connection between you two as you practice creating space.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 11:30 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)