We are not denying that you may feel hurt, devastated, and betrayed. We are also not denying that a break in trust caused by something like an affair can leave you feeling powerless and can damage your relationship. But to continue to see yourself as a victim will not help you to heal and will not allow you to turn toward the future and relationship you want.

You are not wrong to feel what you are feeling. It is understandable that if your spouse had an affair, you might feel like a victim and betrayed. Friends and family members may refer to you as a victim in attempts to defend you and express their anger about your spouse's actions. We encourage you to acknowledge all of your emotions-- even those that speak to feeling out of control and powerless.

But don't get stuck in feeling like a victim.

In the days after Kent's admission of his recent affair, Valerie's friends and family tried to support her. None of them can understand why Kent would continually treat such a wonderful woman like Valerie so poorly by cheating on her. The support Valerie was receiving was certainly intended to be loving, but it ended up making her feel like more of a victim. She became depressed and listless, wondering how her marriage turned into such a nightmare and what she ever did to Kent to deserve this treatment.

See yourself as having options.

In the aftermath of betrayal, you-- like Valerie-- may feel frozen in shock, self-doubt, and powerlessness. Don't add to your pain by criticizing yourself for how you feel. But when others treat you like a victim, we recommend that you change the subject. You can appreciate their love and care for you without buying into a victim mindset. When your own thoughts turn to how powerless you think you are, do whatever it takes to remind yourself that you do have options.

Even if you can only see that you have the option to eat soup or salad with your dinner, embrace that sense of having options. Keep going with this practice. Start with everyday moments and then build up to issues within your marriage. You do have options. And the sooner you can truly recognize that, the less like a victim you will feel. The less like a victim you feel, the sooner you can move toward ease, relief and eventually renewed trust and happiness.

See yourself as having choices.

The more Valerie reminds herself that she does have options in life, the more she begins to see that she can actually make choices about what she wants to do next. She may not have control over whether Kent will commit infidelity again, but she can decide whether or not she wants to stay in this relationship. And, if she decides to stay with Kent, Valerie has choices about what she is willing to accept and what she isn't. She can set boundaries and make agreements with Kent. Whether she stays or leaves this relationship, acting from a place of empowerment can help her to heal and open to trusting again.

When you are able to see yourself as having choices to make, you begin to allow yourself to do more than just react to what life once seemed to just present to you. You are no longer moving through your days at the whim of everyone else, now you are consciously choosing your next steps and the overall direction of your life. And from this empowered place, trust, connection and love can emerge and grow.