Lovemaking Advice: 3 Tips for Communicating What You Want
Jokes, tales and axioms abound around the topic of lovemaking and just how much men and women tend to avoid truly talking with their mate about it. There are images of women “faking” pleasure in the bedroom and perceptions of men wanting to demonstrate their masculinity during intimacy at all costs. It can all add up to a lot of confusion, misunderstandings and distance in a relationship.
Just how honest do you feel you can be with your partner when it comes to talking about lovemaking? We mean, can you and do you speak with absolute integrity with your love about what you enjoy, what you don't enjoy, how frequently you want to be intimate, how willing you are to experiment, and other topics that can make even the boldest of us shrink away and stumble over our words-- if we speak them at all.
You probably love and trust your partner and share many personal thoughts and ideas with him or her. But the last thing you might want is to embarrass, offend, scare off, or make your mate feel insecure about lovemaking. You may hold back on letting your love know how you really feel about your bedroom interactions because the last thing you want to do is create distance between you two in this most intimate arena.
Unfortunately, when you don't speak honestly with your love about everything in your relationship-- including intimacy-- that avoidance or lack of honesty can create distance far more destructive than the embarrassment that might occur when you do communicate with integrity.
Here's some advice to help you get what you want in the lovemaking department...
Cindy has felt worried the past few months that she's just not desirable to her live-in boyfriend Jeremy. They used to make love just about every night but recently their bedroom has been used mostly for sleeping! Cindy has heard that sometimes in long-term relationships the spark simply dies out between two people but she had hoped this wouldn't happen to them. Cindy considered talking with Jeremy about this decline in their lovemaking but doesn't want to upset him or make him feel inadequate. She wonders if she gets a makeover and maybe tries some new techniques she can entice him again....
Get clear about what the issue is for you and what you want.
Sometimes in a relationship, a troubling issue will mask a deeper one. For this reason, we encourage you to get clear within yourself about what you feel and what you want. It could be that a decline in lovemaking, as is the case for Cindy and Jeremy, is linked in with another dynamic going on between you and your mate or within one of you. This doesn't mean that you don't have specific issues related to lovemaking that you'd like to see change. Take some time to get an idea of the bigger picture for you.
Cindy realizes that not only does she want more frequent intimate connecting with Jeremy, she also recognizes her underlying worries about what could happen in a long-term relationship. She is concerned about staying attractive as she gets older as well as keeping their interactions passionate and alive. She fears that they are moving in the wrong direction.
Once you know the beliefs and concerns you have, see if they are taking you in a direction you want to go. If they aren't, decide to replace those beliefs or habits with new ones that point you toward the relationship you want.
Speak with integrity and love.
Now that Cindy has a fuller and clearer idea of what she wants and what underlying beliefs she has, she can honestly share with Jeremy. She chooses to phrase her words in positive terms. She tells Jeremy that she would like to connect intimately with him more frequently and lets him know how much she enjoys this form of connecting with him.
It is not advisable that you begin your sharing with your partner stating that you can't stand when he does.... Instead, focus in on how you do want to share lovemaking. If there are specific activities you do not like, it can be helpful for your partner to know that but be sure to stay focused on how you'd like to intimately connect instead.
Listen with openness.
Now that you've had your turn to share what you want in the bedroom, it's time to listen with openness to your partner's desires. Let your mate completely say what he or she needs to say. If there is something that sounds unappealing to you, listen anyway-- unless it feels abusive or violent to you. You are just listening for now and then you two can decide what changes you want to make and what you want to act upon.
After Cindy shares her desires with Jim, he begins to open up to her about what's been going on for him. He's had a series of personal upsets in his life lately that Cindy hasn't been fully aware of. There's been tension at work and his relationship with one of his siblings has become strained. This conversation completes Cindy's perception of the situation and also lets her know that Jim would like to begin connecting with her more often, more intimately. They both feel closer and look forward to what might be next in their relationship.
Talking about lovemaking with your partner may not be the easiest conversation you will have. If you choose to avoid the topic and ignore your feelings, however, the distance between you two will probably only grow larger. When you get clear about what you want, share with honesty and listen with openness, you will likely see that distance diminish as the passion and closeness you want is allowed to develop.
