Love and Relationship Advice Blog

If you want to rebuild trust in your relationship or marriage, even after an affair...

We want to let you know that our new program that we've been working on for the past several months.... "Relationship Trust Turnaround" is NOW available

For free samples from the book, visit http://www.RelationshipTrust.com.

We are confident in saying that our new program is the most complete program available anywhere on how to rebuild trust in a relationship or marriage.

Here's what we cover in our new program...

You'll learn:

~What you can do to rebuild trust in your marriage after an affair

~What you can do when your partner "flirts" and says they will not change their flirting and suggestive ways with
others and it's really hurtful to you

~How you know when your jealousy is being misplaced or when there really is reason to take heed of the situation and confront your partner

~How you stop thinking about and imagining worst case scenarios in your head
~How you reassure a partner that is constantly accusing you of being unfaithful without any reason
~The steps in making the commitment to trust one another and honoring that commitment no matter what happens

~The most important issues to work on in the beginning to restore the relationship to solid ground when your marriage or relationship has been on the rocks and you have decided to give it one more try

~How to stop looking for ways to mistrust (especially when your partner has done nothing to warrant your mistrust)

~What you can do when your partner continues to look at porn on the internet, even though you've asked him or her to stop and it continues anyway

~How you build more trust so that you can feel closer and want to have sex with your partner

~What steps you can both take to start to build trust

~How to forgive and forget

~How to know if your partner is cheating or not

~How to deal with a partner who has lied to you in the past and continues to lie to you and you don't know what to
believe anymore

~The two things you and your partner are going to want to do if you truly want to open to each other

~What you are going to have to do to rebuild trust if you are working on rebuilding it by yourself

~How long you should expect it to take for the two of you to rebuild the trust between you and get back on solid ground

~What actions you should take at each step of the way in order to rebuild trust in your relationship or marriage

~What you do to rebuild trust when you have a clash or rules, values or major differences

~What you can do to find your authentic voice and truly learn to trust yourself as you work to rebuild trust between
the two of you

~How you can get in touch with what you are truly feeling when you are "triggered" or something just doesn't feel
right

~What you can do to start rebuilding trust if you've had major trust issues with PAST partners and you just can't
seem to get past it

~The one thing that MUST happen if an affair is still going on and you want to have any hope of experiencing genuine trust in your relationship

~What you should look for within yourself and your partner if you want to make sure an affair is really over

~What you can do to begin (and keep) setting and enforcing healthy boundaries

~The best ways to deal with jealousy and insecurity in social situations

~How to create, set and keep agreements between the two of you that rebuilds trust

~The secrets to building or rebuilding trust in a long-distance relationship

~How to deal with issues like flirting, spying, online p...o...r...n and cyber s...e.. x while you are trying to build more trust in your relationship

~How much privacy is acceptable and how much privacy should you demand or request if you want to rebuild your relationship and make and keep it healthy

~How you can know whether you'll be able to truly trust this person again or not

~What you can do to make sure you stay on course once you start to restore the trust and your relationship

~And much more...

If discovering our secrets to rebuilding trust in a relationship or marriage is something you're interested in...

Visit http://www.RelationshipTrust.com to find out more.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 11:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Since we are approaching the holiday season, we thought that a little gift giving and receiving advice might be helpful.

Whether you're in a committed love relationship or not--

Gift giving can be fun but it can also open up a can of "relationship worms" that are uncomfortable to deal with.
Have you ever given a loved one a gift and ended up feeling lousy either about what you gave or how you think it was received?

Have you ever received a gift from your partner or anyone else that you just didn't know what to do with? You wanted to be gracious and appreciative, but you also don't want to flat out lie.

Contrary to what you might see on television ads, the potential pitfalls of gift giving and receiving in can be huge, especially in a love relationship.

Some couples end up choosing not to exchange gifts, in part, because of the many confusing messages and signs that can accompany gifts.

But it's not the gifts that are causing the problems here.

No, it's the baggage that's already present within each person in the relationship and between the two people that can stand in the way of a truly connecting giving and receiving experience.

Perhaps you feel lack when it comes to money in your life. You would like to buy that stunning diamond you've seen in the jewelry store but can't begin to come up with that kind of cash.

Or maybe you think that your partner or your loved one spends too much money on you and you don't feel like you can reciprocate in the same way due either to concerns about your budget or because you just don't feel worthy of the expenditure.
Or maybe you just fear that you can't please him or her and don't want to even try.
Whether it's financial fears, self-esteem issues, or other reasons, your limiting beliefs, assumptions and perceptions can prevent you and your love ones from enjoying the exchange of gifts.

Are we saying that you have to shower your partner or any other loved one with expensive material items in order to have a great relationship?

Absolutely not!

When we talk about giving and receiving gifts, we aren't just referring to the packages you unwrap on birthdays, holidays or other special occasions.

For us, we decided when we were first together that we would not "buy" gifts for one another on special
occasions but rather plan special events that we would both find fun and would bring us closer--some not costing anything like a private "spa" night for just the two of us.

While you may not make that agreement with your loved ones, we are suggesting that you broaden your thinking about giving and receiving.

It might include helping out your aging parents or having lunch with a sibling or a friend who's having problems--or even making a phone call to someone who's been on your mind.

It might include the back rubs you give your mate or the way you let him or her sleep in while you get up with the kids on Saturday morning-- that going the extra step to demonstrate your love to your partner in a unique way.

Noah always feels his shoulders tighten around the holidays. He wants so much to wow his long-time girlfriend Emma with a fabulous gift but doesn't feel like he ever gets it right.

Noah feels constrained by what he can spend and also in figuring out what Emma would like. One year, out of desperation, when he asked her for gift suggestions, she was no help at all as she recommended that he not buy her anything.

For her part, Emma didn't want Noah to spend any money on her and would rather skip the entire season. She didn't mind buying for him, but often felt guilty when Noah spent money on her.

Do any of these dynamics sound familiar?

There can be a lot of miscommunication in a relationship around the exchange of gifts. If a couple allows their limited beliefs and assumptions to dictate the giving and receiving of gifts, there is sure to be disappointment and hurt feelings.

But through clear communication-- both within yourself and with your partner-- gifts can be a part of more passionately and deeply connecting in your love relationship, as well as other relationships that are important to you.

Whatever you give, give freely and with love.

Yes, we absolutely advise you to be aware of your financial means at this moment and not purchase a gift that you'll be paying off for years to come.

That diamond might look stunning (and probably is) but there are plenty of other gifts you could choose that can be just as pleasing for you to give and your partner to receive.

If you are wiped out after a long day at work and you go ahead and give your mate a foot rub because you feel like you "have to," that resentful energy will come through in your gift.

As you choose a gift for your partner, ask yourself if you can give this gift freely and with love.

Do you feel excited about what you've chosen to give? If there are doubts or qualms within you about giving this gift, then pause and look more closely at what's coming up emotionally for you.

Noah just about broke into a cold sweat when he walked into a shopping mall with the mission of buying a gift for Emma.

He didn't want to add to his credit card debt and end up giving her something she won't like. Recognizing the barrage of fears within himself, Noah left the mall and went to a nearby park to just sit and sort through his feelings.

When Noah acknowledged how he was feeling, it's easier to shift his focus to what he wants-- which is to give Emma a physical show of his love.

As he reminded himself of the many ways he consistently demonstrated his love to Emma, he felt less pressure to try to contain all of his love in one material item (because, after all, that would be impossible).

With this new sense of ease, Noah cames up with a gift idea that he believed Emma will really appreciate and that fits his budget.

Whatever you receive, receive openly and with love.

Noah instantly thought about how much Emma used to love a particular brand of perfume. When he smelled that scent, it still reminded him of their first date.

When he remembered Emma commenting that she only wore the perfume on special occasions now because she doesn't want to spend money on more, he felt confident in his decision to give her a bottle of this perfume.

Now it's up to Emma to receive this given-from-the-heart gift with an sense of openness and love. If she allowed her fears about money and concerns about Noah's checkbook to rule her mind, she will close herself to the care and love that's behind the gift.

But if she can allow herself to receive with a sense of openness and appreciation, the effects of the exchange can be long-lasting and expand beyond perfume in a bottle.

You don't have to lie and claim that you adore a gift that is just not the right fit for you. Shift your focus to your partner's show of care and this attempted demonstration of his or her love.

You can ask for the receipt to return the gift later if you choose to, but for now, soak in all of the good feelings that went into the giving of this gift.

Allow yourself to bask in the glow of the love you two share.

Whether you are giving or receiving gifts with your partner or another loved one, be sure you are present along the way.

When purchasing or coming up with a gift idea, keep forefront in your mind the passion and excitement of your connection.

Stay present in the moment when you exchange gifts as well. It is here in this moment that you can fully celebrate the love you share.

Begin your practice of consciously giving and receiving right now and see how much love expands in your life.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 02:10 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Everything feels totally out of control for Valerie. Her husband Kent just admitted to her that he had another affair. This is the third time that he's cheated on her-- that she knows about-- during their 19 year marriage. Each time Valerie has taken Kent back and each time she's found out about a new affair, she feels like a victim all over again. It doesn't seem to matter how hard she tries to make this marriage work, nothing ever appears to change. Kent continues to violate her trust, and Valerie continues to feel betrayed and powerless.

So your spouse had an affair? Yes, this is almost always heartbreaking information to find out. Yes, there is help to rebuild trust after an affair. And yes, there are many aspects of the infidelity that were probably beyond your control. But no, you-- just like Valerie-- are NOT a victim.

We are not denying that you may feel hurt, devastated, and betrayed. We are also not denying that a break in trust caused by something like an affair can leave you feeling powerless and can damage your relationship. But to continue to see yourself as a victim will not help you to heal and will not allow you to turn toward the future and relationship you want.

You are not wrong to feel what you are feeling. It is understandable that if your spouse had an affair, you might feel like a victim and betrayed. Friends and family members may refer to you as a victim in attempts to defend you and express their anger about your spouse's actions. We encourage you to acknowledge all of your emotions-- even those that speak to feeling out of control and powerless.

But don't get stuck in feeling like a victim.

In the days after Kent's admission of his recent affair, Valerie's friends and family tried to support her. None of them can understand why Kent would continually treat such a wonderful woman like Valerie so poorly by cheating on her. The support Valerie was receiving was certainly intended to be loving, but it ended up making her feel like more of a victim. She became depressed and listless, wondering how her marriage turned into such a nightmare and what she ever did to Kent to deserve this treatment.

See yourself as having options.

In the aftermath of betrayal, you-- like Valerie-- may feel frozen in shock, self-doubt, and powerlessness. Don't add to your pain by criticizing yourself for how you feel. But when others treat you like a victim, we recommend that you change the subject. You can appreciate their love and care for you without buying into a victim mindset. When your own thoughts turn to how powerless you think you are, do whatever it takes to remind yourself that you do have options.

Even if you can only see that you have the option to eat soup or salad with your dinner, embrace that sense of having options. Keep going with this practice. Start with everyday moments and then build up to issues within your marriage. You do have options. And the sooner you can truly recognize that, the less like a victim you will feel. The less like a victim you feel, the sooner you can move toward ease, relief and eventually renewed trust and happiness.

See yourself as having choices.

The more Valerie reminds herself that she does have options in life, the more she begins to see that she can actually make choices about what she wants to do next. She may not have control over whether Kent will commit infidelity again, but she can decide whether or not she wants to stay in this relationship. And, if she decides to stay with Kent, Valerie has choices about what she is willing to accept and what she isn't. She can set boundaries and make agreements with Kent. Whether she stays or leaves this relationship, acting from a place of empowerment can help her to heal and open to trusting again.

When you are able to see yourself as having choices to make, you begin to allow yourself to do more than just react to what life once seemed to just present to you. You are no longer moving through your days at the whim of everyone else, now you are consciously choosing your next steps and the overall direction of your life. And from this empowered place, trust, connection and love can emerge and grow.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 03:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Jokes, tales and axioms abound around the topic of lovemaking and just how much men and women tend to avoid truly talking with their mate about it. There are images of women “faking” pleasure in the bedroom and perceptions of men wanting to demonstrate their masculinity during intimacy at all costs. It can all add up to a lot of confusion, misunderstandings and distance in a relationship.

Just how honest do you feel you can be with your partner when it comes to talking about lovemaking? We mean, can you and do you speak with absolute integrity with your love about what you enjoy, what you don't enjoy, how frequently you want to be intimate, how willing you are to experiment, and other topics that can make even the boldest of us shrink away and stumble over our words-- if we speak them at all.

You probably love and trust your partner and share many personal thoughts and ideas with him or her. But the last thing you might want is to embarrass, offend, scare off, or make your mate feel insecure about lovemaking. You may hold back on letting your love know how you really feel about your bedroom interactions because the last thing you want to do is create distance between you two in this most intimate arena.

Unfortunately, when you don't speak honestly with your love about everything in your relationship-- including intimacy-- that avoidance or lack of honesty can create distance far more destructive than the embarrassment that might occur when you do communicate with integrity.

Here's some advice to help you get what you want in the lovemaking department...

Cindy has felt worried the past few months that she's just not desirable to her live-in boyfriend Jeremy. They used to make love just about every night but recently their bedroom has been used mostly for sleeping! Cindy has heard that sometimes in long-term relationships the spark simply dies out between two people but she had hoped this wouldn't happen to them. Cindy considered talking with Jeremy about this decline in their lovemaking but doesn't want to upset him or make him feel inadequate. She wonders if she gets a makeover and maybe tries some new techniques she can entice him again....

Get clear about what the issue is for you and what you want.

Sometimes in a relationship, a troubling issue will mask a deeper one. For this reason, we encourage you to get clear within yourself about what you feel and what you want. It could be that a decline in lovemaking, as is the case for Cindy and Jeremy, is linked in with another dynamic going on between you and your mate or within one of you. This doesn't mean that you don't have specific issues related to lovemaking that you'd like to see change. Take some time to get an idea of the bigger picture for you.

Cindy realizes that not only does she want more frequent intimate connecting with Jeremy, she also recognizes her underlying worries about what could happen in a long-term relationship. She is concerned about staying attractive as she gets older as well as keeping their interactions passionate and alive. She fears that they are moving in the wrong direction.

Once you know the beliefs and concerns you have, see if they are taking you in a direction you want to go. If they aren't, decide to replace those beliefs or habits with new ones that point you toward the relationship you want.

Speak with integrity and love.

Now that Cindy has a fuller and clearer idea of what she wants and what underlying beliefs she has, she can honestly share with Jeremy. She chooses to phrase her words in positive terms. She tells Jeremy that she would like to connect intimately with him more frequently and lets him know how much she enjoys this form of connecting with him.

It is not advisable that you begin your sharing with your partner stating that you can't stand when he does.... Instead, focus in on how you do want to share lovemaking. If there are specific activities you do not like, it can be helpful for your partner to know that but be sure to stay focused on how you'd like to intimately connect instead.

Listen with openness.

Now that you've had your turn to share what you want in the bedroom, it's time to listen with openness to your partner's desires. Let your mate completely say what he or she needs to say. If there is something that sounds unappealing to you, listen anyway-- unless it feels abusive or violent to you. You are just listening for now and then you two can decide what changes you want to make and what you want to act upon.

After Cindy shares her desires with Jim, he begins to open up to her about what's been going on for him. He's had a series of personal upsets in his life lately that Cindy hasn't been fully aware of. There's been tension at work and his relationship with one of his siblings has become strained. This conversation completes Cindy's perception of the situation and also lets her know that Jim would like to begin connecting with her more often, more intimately. They both feel closer and look forward to what might be next in their relationship.

Talking about lovemaking with your partner may not be the easiest conversation you will have. If you choose to avoid the topic and ignore your feelings, however, the distance between you two will probably only grow larger. When you get clear about what you want, share with honesty and listen with openness, you will likely see that distance diminish as the passion and closeness you want is allowed to develop.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 10:33 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)