Jealousy and Dating: Relationship Advice for Keeping Jealousy out of your Relationship
Dating is often compared to a game insinuating a sense of competition among people for the “best” man or woman. As you “play the field” looking for a choice match, it's easy to see how insecurity and fear can flourish, especially in the early days of a relationship. Both of you may just want to have fun and get to know people while keeping yourselves open for love. But jealousy-- which can spring from insecurity-- can ruin even the most enjoyable experiences and stand in the way of allowing the relationship you are wanting develop.
Television has entertained viewers with not only the literal “Dating Game” where contestants answered questions and won a date if chosen by the featured bachelor or bachelorette, but scores of similarly focused reality shows as well. The allure in “winning” the attractive man or woman is hard to miss in these shows. It's also hard to miss the fierce and often cruel ways that contestants knock one another out of the running for the “prize”-- a date or relationship.
We certainly don't feel that dating or a love relationship is a game in which people and their affections are won or lost-- often in manipulative ways. However, it seems that the competitive “game” approach to dating persists in the real world outside television sound stages. The perception that the person you are dating could easily turn his or her attentions elsewhere leaving you alone, jealous and rejected is a painful and common one.
Given these subtle yet pervasive tendencies when it comes to dating, it is no surprise that jealousy is also a common occurrence. Jealousy is often rooted in insecurity and fears which usually go back to the jealous person's past experiences and beliefs. To allow the good feelings and sense of a “match” you may feel to grow and develop, it is essential that you stop jealousy before it stops your relationship in the making.
Here are some suggestions to help you stop jealousy...
1. What's feeding your insecurities?
Jess is enjoying her conversation with Ted immensely. They seem to have much in common and it feels easy for her to open up to him—even after just 5 dates. Here they are at a crowded party and Jess feels like they are the only two people in the world. So when Jess' attractive friend Sheri joins the conversation she and Ted are having, a big lump forms in Jess' stomach. That world with just she and Ted suddenly bursts taking all of those good feelings with it. In fact, Jess begins to wonder if Ted will react to Sheri in the fawning way all men seem to. Before she says something rude to both of them, Jess stalks off to get a drink.
What's real in this dating game? When jealousy rears its head, it can be difficult to know which thoughts to believe and how to react to what you think you're perceiving. If you can slow down your mind when jealousy erupts, you can begin to look at what might be feeding your insecurities. It could be that you see yourself as somehow undeserving of the dating experience or relationship you'd like to have (and that you may be having).
When you begin to see the insecurities as just insecurities rather than “facts,” you can start letting go of jealousy. As Jess stands by the bar, still fuming, a voice in her head reminds her that she is feeling insecure. She's never felt pretty-- especially when comparing herself to friends like Sheri-- and Jess can start to see how her current emotions have more to do with insecurities about her attractiveness (or lack thereof) than with what's actually going on between Ted and Sheri.
2. What assumptions are you making?
Jealousy is not only rooted in our insecurities, it is also founded on the assumptions we make. Perhaps you've had plenty of past relationships where one or both of you cheated. This can contribute to you assuming that infidelity-- or the threat of it-- is bound to happen. You may also hold beliefs about how women are or how men are that contribute to jealous feelings. Jess, for example, has always believed that men can't help but be attracted to beautiful women like Sheri. In Jess' belief system, the innate drives of men make them almost helpless to women who want them.
Jess' beliefs may not be the same as yours. Whatever you believe to be true about yourself, your date, relationships, men, women, or human nature, look at those assumptions as if they were held by someone other than you. From this somewhat removed perspective, ask yourself if these beliefs serve you and what you are wanting-- which, presumably, is to be happy and enjoy your experience. If your assumptions are mainly feeding jealousy, consider letting them go and opening up to new beliefs. This may take practice, so keep at it!
No matter what you were brought up to believe, what your past relationships have been like, or how you view you own self-worth, you can be free of jealousy. The first steps are to trace back and see what is feeding and fueling jealousy. After that, you can make choices about what's going to allow you to attract and create the relationship of your dreams.
For a free course on overcoming jealousy, visit http://www.NoMoreJealousy.com.
