Love and Relationship Advice Blog

We just got back from our vacation/retreat at the beach and while we were away, we logged onto the internet from our condo we're renting this morning, this is what we saw...

Crisis!

Disaster!
Doom and Gloom!

From what we can tell, these kinds of negative thoughts are all over the news and are the focus of most people's thoughts and conversations.

In this brief message, here's what we want to suggest to you about what's going on in the world...

No matter what is going on outside of you, it's what's going on inside of you that really counts.

Take a moment and check in with yourself.

How are you feeling?

Are you feeling vibrant and alive or tight and constricted?

Are you feeling full of possibilities or thinking and imagining the worst.

Examining whether the thoughts you're having in this moment are true and are serving you or not is critically important to having the love, relationships, support, connection and the life that you really want.

Believe it or not, it is possible to shift from fear and constriction to openness and a feeling of possibility, even during times like these when it seems difficult.

Here are some ways...

The other day when we gave a presentation, we asked the participants to feel inside themselves to discover whether they were opening or closing in that moment.

And we'll ask you the same question...

Are you opening with love to the people around you, whether it's your partner, other family members or your co-workers, or are you finding that you are feeling tight, closed and fearful as you go about your day?

If you find that you are reacting to all the doom and gloom that's in the news--as well as massive changes that are happening in many people's lives, here are some ideas to help you get through this period of time with more ease...
1. Take a moment several times a day to turn your attention inward to feel where you are tight or constricted. Breathe into those areas of your body and relax.

A phrase that we have found to be helpful is as you breathe, silently speak or sing the words "All is well."

This is not to diminish or sugar-coat what's happening but it's to calm yourself so that you can have access to a clearer mind and be in a better place to help yourself and others through these changes.

2. Remember to connect with those you love and those you come in contact with throughout your day. It might be through listening. It might be simply making eye contact with someone. It might be remembering why you love someone and holding that in your heart.

Maybe you and I can't do anything about what's happening around the world but we can affect what's happening in our world.

Become conscious of where your attention is, what thoughts you are thinking and your actions.

Constriction cannot help us move through these changes but openness and love can.

We urge you now and always to continually be focusing on how you can be more open, present and a light of love in the world.

When you do this, we know your relationship and life will work at a much higher level than if you don't.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 04:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

As you know, we find some of our relationship lessons in the unlikliest of places and circumstances and this article below is no exception....

Like a lot of people last week, we were watching more than our share of the Weather Channel, CNN and other news outlets to get the latest updates on Hurricane Ike as it approached the Texas and Gulf coast areas of the US.

As we watched the approach of Hurricane Ike, we had no idea that we would be affected by it because we live in Ohio (which is pretty far north and east.)

Now, of course we saw nothing approaching the magnitude of destruction that people along the Texas and Gulf
coastal areas saw, felt and are still feeling and experiencing.

Here in Ohio, we got the remnants of Hurricane Ike and had wind gusts for several hours of up to 75 MPH.

As you can imagine, these high winds caused quite a bit of damage to homes, trees, power lines, etc.

Our power was out for 26 hours and even though many of our neighbors weren't so lucky, we didn't have any damage to our home or property and for that we are very grateful.

As we think about the people in Texas, Louisiana, and other areas (including many people right in our own city) who still don't have power, clean drinking water and other things we think of as life's essentials-- our hearts, thoughts and prayers go out to you.

As we look back on the night we didn't have power, there are important insights about relationships and daily living we want to share with you and here they are...

One big "ah ha" that we learned was how much of the way we live our lives depends on electricity and what we can and can't do if we don't have it.

We also learned how much time we spend watching television, movies or on the internet rather than interacting with each other and other people.

The two of us always spend time each day interacting and connecting with each other but since Otto's 19 year old son moved in with us to go to college nearby, we haven't interacted much as a family.

We did during the power outage!

The three of us talked more than we usually do as we sat on the porch and watched the last part of the storm blow through and then we went to our friend and neighbor's house and played the board game scrabble by candle light.

Neighbors who never met one another helped each other out.

It took a several hour power outage for us to come together to do some things to connect in ways that we don't normally do.

The challenge now is to keep connecting without having our electrical power shut off.

How about you?

Maybe Hurricane Ike didn't affect you but we're inviting you to do something this week that you wouldn't normally do to connect with others--without the television or computer.

Play a game together--dust off games like monopoly, scrabble or Risk. Take a walk or just sit and talk with someone you haven't seen in awhile or even a loved one you haven't really connected with. Help others out in ways you might not normally do.

For one evening, act as if you have no power, light candles and just be together.

As conscious and connected as the two of us try to be--our power outage was a big wake up call for us that we can do a better job of opening to each other and connecting deeper.

We're hoping you can take a cue from us and open yourself to experimenting with how to connect on a deeper level with the people in your life.

If all this seems kind of silly or not necessary then let us offer one more suggestion that might be valuable for you...

Make the intention to just have one meaningful conversation with someone this week.

Start there and see how you feel. We think it will spur you on to want to connect more with the people in your life.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 10:46 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Who can forget the lyric "a kiss is just a kiss" from the classic Louis Armstrong song "As Time Goes By." Kissing is something we often associate with those fumbling experiments with romance that may have happened during teen years.

Perhaps sloppy or nervous or even knee-wobbling, that first kiss is probably something you'll never forget. But did you know that even if you and your partner are far past your teen years and you've been together a long time, you can still enjoy the power of a kiss?

In fact, a kiss can be more than "just" a kiss. A kiss can be a key to keeping the connection between you and your love passionate and alive!

Here's what we mean...

Brett and Jan have been married for about two decades now and have four very active teenagers still living at home. It seems that at any one time of the evening and weekend, someone has a game, performance or a social function to attend. Their home is usually a flurry of comings and goings. Dinner together with the entire family is a rarity and alone time for Brett and Jan an even rarer occurrence.

Though both are happy spending time with and supporting their busy children, Brett and Jan long for those sporadic occasions when they can re-connect over coffee or, even better, make love leisurely without worries about interruptions. With their current lifestyle it seems too easy to lose track of one another and the passion they enjoy sharing in their relationship.

Kissing can be a quick, easy way to connect...

You don't have to plan out an elaborate date together to touch in with your love. Of course, elaborate date nights
are fun and effective ways to connect, but don't wait until the next opportunity for one of those. Instead, surprise
your partner with an unexpected kiss! When he or she arrives home after you two have been apart, greet your love with a deep, heart-felt kiss. As you embrace and kiss, glory in the love you share and allow it to comethrough in those seconds your lips are touching.

Recently, Brett paused on his way out the door to take their son to band practice to share a longer than usually held kiss with Jan. This took just a few moments and reminded them both of the excitement that's still there after all of these years. Perhaps later that evening they will expand upon those feelings.

Kissing can communicate many things...

When you kiss your mate, it doesn't always have to indicate that you want to make love. You can kiss your partner in a way that simply says "I care about you and am here for you." A quick kiss on the back of the neck can express a fun and playful mood. And, of course, you can still knock his or her socks off with a sultry smooch that lets your love know you're in the mood for more intimacy now, or later when you are alone.

When Brett came home after a tough day at the office, Jan sensed that there was nothing she could say that would help him. She did want to show her care and concern, however, so Jan put her arms around Brett and softly kissed his forehead and cheeks. The tenderness in her kisses eased some of the tension for Brett and allowed the two of them to connect without words.

Kissing can be adventurous and passionate...

Most people associate kissing with passion but, at a certain point, this form of physical connecting can become routine and usual. A quick peck on the lips is the taken-for-granted greeting and parting Brett and Jan have always shared. Often each are so preoccupied that they kiss unconsciously thereby missing a chance to connect.

When you choose to kiss with your attention-- even for just a few seconds-- fully in the moment and on your love, you can enhance the experience. WOW! Your fully present kiss can be infused with the deeply-felt emotions you feel. You can even mix things up by kissing your partner in ways and in places you've never tried before. See how creatively you can kiss and enjoy the experimenting.

Whatever kind of kiss you choose to share with your mate, be sure you are present and focused on the love you are sharing. Have fun with kissing and practice often!

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 11:28 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I, Susie, just finished Stephanie Meyer's hit book "Twilight" and I can certainly see what women especially love about it! I'm probably the last woman in my family to read it and if you're reading this, you've probably at least heard something about it.

The surprising thing is--there is a lot to learn from this book that has caught on like wild-fire with teen-age girls, as well middle-aged women!

Not to give the plot away if you haven't read it but it's about a very delicious love story between a very precocious teen-age girl who's never dated before and a very sensual, beautiful vampire.

Here's what's interesting about their love and how that might pertain to you in your love relationship...

While I was reading this first book in Meyer's series, I was so taken at how the author wrote such a sensual book that made even my heart pound without the main characters consummating their love. I've never read anything that even approached the pure love and sensuality of this book.

Now of course, one could argue that there's a bit much of the teen-age girl getting into trouble and her vampire boyfriend saving her--but setting that aside, there's much to learn about passion and sensuality that could be applied to our relationships.

Instead of relying on a vicarious experience, you could actually begin fostering more passion in your relationship. If you aren't in an intimate relationship and want to be, you can begin seeing that it just might be possible for you to create something like the passion that comes off in "Twilight."

Sound impossible?

It isn't. Even if you've been married for many years, it's possible to have that kind of passion--or a watered-down version of it--if you want it!

How do you do that?

Here are a few ideas...

1. Start by paying attention to your partner in new ways or in ways that you haven't for a long time. Maybe you used to do certain things together and don't anymore. Maybe you used to look at each other when you talked to one another and don't anymore. Just pay attention to this partner that you have chosen.

2. Be more affectionate--and mean it! Kiss your partner as you pass him or her in the kitchen. Touch him or her in places that are not part of your love-making.

3. Surrender to loving. When you are with your partner alone, be there body and mind. Forget planning what to have for dinner or who's taking your child to school tomorrow. Be completely there.

We have many more ideas for you about how we keep passion alive in our love relationship!

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 03:44 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Dating is often compared to a game insinuating a sense of competition among people for the “best” man or woman. As you “play the field” looking for a choice match, it's easy to see how insecurity and fear can flourish, especially in the early days of a relationship. Both of you may just want to have fun and get to know people while keeping yourselves open for love. But jealousy-- which can spring from insecurity-- can ruin even the most enjoyable experiences and stand in the way of allowing the relationship you are wanting develop.

Television has entertained viewers with not only the literal “Dating Game” where contestants answered questions and won a date if chosen by the featured bachelor or bachelorette, but scores of similarly focused reality shows as well. The allure in “winning” the attractive man or woman is hard to miss in these shows. It's also hard to miss the fierce and often cruel ways that contestants knock one another out of the running for the “prize”-- a date or relationship.

We certainly don't feel that dating or a love relationship is a game in which people and their affections are won or lost-- often in manipulative ways. However, it seems that the competitive “game” approach to dating persists in the real world outside television sound stages. The perception that the person you are dating could easily turn his or her attentions elsewhere leaving you alone, jealous and rejected is a painful and common one.

Given these subtle yet pervasive tendencies when it comes to dating, it is no surprise that jealousy is also a common occurrence. Jealousy is often rooted in insecurity and fears which usually go back to the jealous person's past experiences and beliefs. To allow the good feelings and sense of a “match” you may feel to grow and develop, it is essential that you stop jealousy before it stops your relationship in the making.

Here are some suggestions to help you stop jealousy...

1. What's feeding your insecurities?

Jess is enjoying her conversation with Ted immensely. They seem to have much in common and it feels easy for her to open up to him—even after just 5 dates. Here they are at a crowded party and Jess feels like they are the only two people in the world. So when Jess' attractive friend Sheri joins the conversation she and Ted are having, a big lump forms in Jess' stomach. That world with just she and Ted suddenly bursts taking all of those good feelings with it. In fact, Jess begins to wonder if Ted will react to Sheri in the fawning way all men seem to. Before she says something rude to both of them, Jess stalks off to get a drink.

What's real in this dating game? When jealousy rears its head, it can be difficult to know which thoughts to believe and how to react to what you think you're perceiving. If you can slow down your mind when jealousy erupts, you can begin to look at what might be feeding your insecurities. It could be that you see yourself as somehow undeserving of the dating experience or relationship you'd like to have (and that you may be having).

When you begin to see the insecurities as just insecurities rather than “facts,” you can start letting go of jealousy. As Jess stands by the bar, still fuming, a voice in her head reminds her that she is feeling insecure. She's never felt pretty-- especially when comparing herself to friends like Sheri-- and Jess can start to see how her current emotions have more to do with insecurities about her attractiveness (or lack thereof) than with what's actually going on between Ted and Sheri.

2. What assumptions are you making?

Jealousy is not only rooted in our insecurities, it is also founded on the assumptions we make. Perhaps you've had plenty of past relationships where one or both of you cheated. This can contribute to you assuming that infidelity-- or the threat of it-- is bound to happen. You may also hold beliefs about how women are or how men are that contribute to jealous feelings. Jess, for example, has always believed that men can't help but be attracted to beautiful women like Sheri. In Jess' belief system, the innate drives of men make them almost helpless to women who want them.

Jess' beliefs may not be the same as yours. Whatever you believe to be true about yourself, your date, relationships, men, women, or human nature, look at those assumptions as if they were held by someone other than you. From this somewhat removed perspective, ask yourself if these beliefs serve you and what you are wanting-- which, presumably, is to be happy and enjoy your experience. If your assumptions are mainly feeding jealousy, consider letting them go and opening up to new beliefs. This may take practice, so keep at it!

No matter what you were brought up to believe, what your past relationships have been like, or how you view you own self-worth, you can be free of jealousy. The first steps are to trace back and see what is feeding and fueling jealousy. After that, you can make choices about what's going to allow you to attract and create the relationship of your dreams.

For a free course on overcoming jealousy, visit http://www.NoMoreJealousy.com.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 02:24 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)