Love and Relationship Advice Blog

There's a big advertising campaign going on here in Ohio to try to get people to "buckle up" and fasten their seat belts when they get into any car, truck or motorized vehicle.

This advertising campaign is a part of the state's effort to reduce traffic deaths and injuries.

The state's slogan to remind people about "buckling up" is the line...

"What's holding you back?"

Interesting.

What's even more interesting when it comes to creating more love, passion, harmony, trust, connection or anything else you want in your relationships or marriage would be to ask the same question--

"What's holding you back?"

We attended a three day business conference recently and there was a similar theme going on the entire weekend about something called...

The "theory of constraints."

We'd never heard of the "theory of constraints" until this conference and found out that the entire theory is laid out in several widely read business books by a guy named Eliyahu M.Goldratt.

We haven't read the books yet but we got enough info about this idea at the conference to be able to tell you that this "theory of constraints" has everything to do with you and your ability to create more love and connection in your life-- or for that matter to improve or change anything you want.

Here's why...

As we understand it, the "theory of constraints" says that if there is something that you want in any area of your life and you're not getting it, there are constraints that are keeping you from it.

Constraints to having what you want in your relationships or anything else can manifest in a myriad of different ways.

For example...

In your relationships or marriage, a constraint to having more love and connection might be a lack of trust.

We're over-simplifying here but the "theory of constraints" says that if you figure out what the constraint is and remove it, you will move toward what you want.

Here are some examples of what we mean...

**Ken thought that every partner he had would cheat on him so he tended to not open himself to getting too close to
them. Because one person cheated on him in the past, he feared that every woman would cheat.

His constraint was in his fearful thinking which translated into not allowing him to truly open to being close to another person.

**Joan never seemed to have enough, if any, time alone with her husband. He was under a lot of stress at work and she didn't want to add to his worries by bringing up her needs.

Her constraint was that she couldn't tell her husband that she wanted deeper intimacy with him because she was afraid that he would react negatively to her or just ignore her needs.

**Carol wanted to attract a soul mate and no matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't seem to find the "right" person to date.

Her constraint was that when she really listened to her self-talk, she discovered that somewhere inside herself, she didn't believe that she deserved to have a partner who would love her the way she wanted to be loved.

So how can you deal with your constraints and allow them to melt away so that you can have more of what you want?

Here are some ideas...

1. Figure out what you want.
Until you know what you want, you can't possibly look at the constraints that you've set in place that keep you from it.

2. Identify what is holding you back from what you want.
Take a moment or two, breathe, and turn your attention inward. Ask yourself what is holding you back from having what you want. And then just listen to what comes up for you.

Don't judge it but just listen.

3. Make a list of actions that you might take to move you toward what you want.
Do you need to learn some new strategies for dealing with a certain problem? Do you need to change your thoughts around a certain issue? Do you need to take some action that you have known that you need to take but have been afraid to do so?

4. Do one thing that will move you toward what you want. Just do one thing.

In our examples, Ken could challenge his thought that every partner will cheat on him each time it comes up.

Joan could find a time that her husband is home and just go and sit with him. She doesn't need to even talk about anything right away but just get close to him.

Carol could begin to start imagining what it would feel like inside herself to have the partner she wants. She can start to notice other couples who have the kind of relationship she wants and say to herself "Yes, that's what I want."

If there's a roadblock standing in the way of the trust, communication, love, passion and connection that you want in a relationship, we invite you to commit to moving beyond it.

We invite you to do one thing this week that will move you in the direction that you want.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 04:58 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

When you're going through a divorce, many changes are happening. You may now be living by yourself-- or parenting by yourself. Your home and surroundings might be different. Even the bed you used to sleep in may have changed. And if things like your home, surroundings and bed are the same as when you were married, those reminders might be painful for you. It could be the case that you want nothing else to change about your life-- you
just want a little stability right now. It could also be that you want everything to change and start literally fresh.

We encourage you to give yourself the space and time to alter what you want to. The action, or no action, needs to come from you and not from what you've been told you should do. Be patient with yourself because these desires for change (or not) will probably shift as you go along. Perhaps you want to leave behind any remnants of your past marriage, even move across the country. This indicates that you probably could benefit from getting away.

You don't have to take the radical step of re-locating, however. You could arrange a vacation and see how it feels once you are away. You can still move if that's what you decide to do. On the other hand, you might not want any more upheavals in your life. Perhaps you and your children are staying in the house you lived in during your marriage and you continue to eat at the same favorite restaurants. This is ok too. If the stability of continuing your routine as you adjust to a new life is helpful, then do that as long as you need to.

Here's Lauren's story to help you see possibilities in your life...

Lauren has been divorced from Rick for just about 6 months now. She and her son, Trey, are still living in the same house, same small community, and following their usual lives when Rick and Lauren were married. She is not pretending that the divorce didn't happen in some sort of denial mode however.

In fact, very scary and overwhelming things have been happening for Lauren lately. After the divorce, she and Trey were in a car accident; she lost her car and, with no public transportation in their small town, and she had to quit her job. Lauren's family continues to urge her to move to a larger city with more opportunities where she'd be less isolated. But she's decided-- for now-- to stay put.

For Lauren, not making changes gives Trey and her a certain ease because they are in familiar territory. This decision also makes financial sense-- for right now. Rick is continuing to help financially and, until the house can sell, staying put means Lauren doesn't have mortgage AND rent payments to make.

Listen mostly to you.

If your post-divorce circumstances are anything like Lauren's, you may be getting a lot of advice from people who care about you. These friends and family may have some helpful things to say-- or not. It is up to you to sift through what you are hearing and only use what feels useful. It's up to you to thank someone for their suggestion and ask him or her to give you some space or to change the subject. Take regular time to go within and determine what you want for yourself and, if applicable, your kids. You might even keep a list, drawing or symbol of the life you'd like somewhere you can easily see it to remind yourself of the direction you are heading. This vision may change and that's ok too. Just keep to what you want for you.

Act when you know it's the right time.

Lauren is aware that one day she and Trey will sell their house and leave the community they know so well. She will find a job, transportation, and a new home. But that isn't today. Lauren trusts that she will know when the time is right for this major change and, for now, is learning to cope with the other changes-- some she has chosen and some she hasn't. If you stay tuned in to yourself and really listen to your inner guidance, you will know when it is time to take steps and make changes. These may not be easy, but a strong voice within you will let you know what to do and when. That “voice” may be in the form of your spiritual source or it may just simply come to you.

Change is not easy for many people even in the best of times. It is essential that you do whatever you need to do to provide quiet, reflective time alone when you are feeling calm. It is during these times you can make clearer decisions about what to alter about your new life and what to keep the same. Trust in your inner guidance and remember that you really do know best.

For more tips on creating a new life after a divorce, visit http://www.howtohealyourbrokenheart.com

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 01:09 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Many people have a secret (or not so secret) penchant for drama. The popularity of reality tv shows is evidence of this phenomenon. And it's not just women tuning in to watch the highly competitive and sometimes back-stabbing among “Project Runway” designers and models for example. High-adrenaline shows marketed towards men like “Deadliest Catch” about the Alaskan crab fishing industry is wrought with tension, fighting, mishaps and roller coaster emotions. Drama is just fine when you choose to watch it on tv, but it can prevent connection in your love relationship.

How many times have you or your partner delved into drama and turned what started out as a minor issue into a big huge deal? Perhaps your partner has a tendency to burst into tears, spewing accusations that you don't care about him or her because you forgot the song that played during your first date. Or maybe it's you who flies off the handle and takes it personally when your mate makes a decision you just don't agree with. There can be a certain thrill or adrenaline rush that, for the person in the throes of drama, at the time seems more prominent than the issue itself.

If this happens in your relationship, what can you do to take the drama out of it?

Psychologists theorize and analyze about what they call “drama addiction.” Some point to an underlying void or depression that the drama “addict” wants to fill. It could be that the person who frequently engages in drama likes the excitement, variety and attention that the outburst seems to bring. We're not interested in labeling anyone an addict. In varying degrees, just about all of us are allured by drama and take part in it. But when drama is prevalent in your relationship, it can serve as a barrier between you and your love. You can't be as close and connected as you'd like to be with the crying, yelling, or other large-scale emotions between you.

What kind of relationship do you want?

Ask yourself what kind of relationship you want to share with your love? Do you want one that is rooted in wondering when he, she, or you will next go off about some action or happening in your lives? Are you satisfied with this pattern of seemingly minor challenges routinely turning into huge obstacles? Or, would you rather be in a relationship where you face issues that come up together, as true partners, supporting one another and coming out feeling closer than before?

We're not suggesting that every intense emotion should be discounted or suppressed because it's “bad” and dramatic. But take a step back and notice how you and your partner tend to interact-- especially when challenging moments arise. If either you or your love seem to be more interested in the reaction than in coming together and resolving the issue, then it's likely the drama is standing in between you two. If you feel that your partner is more prone to drama than you are, don't accuse him or her of being the “problem.” Instead, share with your love that you want to find new ways to communicate and resolve challenges so that you can move closer together in the process.

Can you positively intensify your connection?

If you or your mate are the kind of person who likes some drama-- the rush, the thrill, the excitement-- don't vilify yourself, him or her. Instead, see if you can meet that need for intensity in affirming, connecting ways. How can you spice up your relationship? You two could explore new activities together. Have you ever tried skydiving, rock climbing or other more daring sports? There are certainly thrills to be shared there! You can always open up to more variety and excitement in your lovemaking as well. Discover different sensual ways to share love with your partner and revel in the intensity of pleasing emotions.

Drama is not necessarily a “bad” thing. After all, it is deeply and strongly felt emotions that probably led you to this person you love and the same depth of feelings that keeps you drawn to him or her. Let go of those dramatic habits that take you further from your partner and allow yourself to explore the positive side of drama!

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 09:11 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

The other evening, our entire family, including our two grandsons, went to the Ohio State Fair to see Melissa Etheridge in concert. We can truthfully say that we have never seen another performer with as much passion, energy, and musical talent (along with her band) as Melissa at this performance. She glowed and her smile, humor, honesty and convictions touched all of us.

She took us on a musical journey of her life--which included loves lost, her career, cancer, her lessons learned and her awakening. We were amazed at the range of emotions that she was able to take us through as she sang her way through her life so far.

One of her messages was plain and simple--You have to love yourself first before you can love someone else.

What a simple, yet profound idea that most of us are aware of but don't have a clue how to do.

Here are some ideas to help you learn to love yourself more so that you can love others more deeply...

1. Stop and take a look at your life and your priorities.
Ask yourself if you are the one deciding how you will spend your time and energy or is someone else deciding for you.
You may be in a job that you don't like. While we're not suggesting that you just quit your job without a plan, we are suggesting that life is too short to spend it doing a job you don't like. If you heart is urging you to move on to something else, take one step toward that goal.

2. Don't spend time in a relationship that is harmful to you and isn't working.
We're not suggesting that you give up quickly when things aren't going right in a relationship but we are saying that if you have tried to make it work, maybe you've been in therapy and it still isn't working--and you are being pulled down by the relationship, it may be time to let it go. If your relationship is filled with lies, infidelity or any number of other harmful things, take a look at why you are staying and considering creating a new life for yourself that is more uplifting and fulfilling.

3. Be in the present moment.
Stop worrying and stay in the present moment. We're not saying that you should stop planning for the future but we are saying that most of us spend too much time in our minds living in the past or worrying about the future. Stop and enjoy what's happening right now.

4. Appreciate your life.
Even in the most difficult of circumstances, there's always something that you can be grateful for. Look at your life and make a list of all of the things that are going right for you. Keep that list handy when you start to feel bad about yourself or your life.

Remember, this is your life. Live it from the fullness of who you are!

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 02:19 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)