Lies and Lying: How to See Through the Lies
In our recent survey, lying was a big topic that we thought we'd address a specific question...
Here's one--
“My husband lied to me so much in the past that I don’t know what to believe anymore. Even if he says something nice or says he loves me, I have trouble believing him. How will I know when he is being honest with me again?”
Here's our take on lying and our answer to this specific question...
Why does someone lie to another person?
A person lies to you because they don’t believe that they can be who they really are or get what they want unless they tell you what they think you want to hear. Lying becomes a habit and a way of manipulating to get what the person wants, whether it's to keep the peace, to temporarily make you happy or simply a game to try to get away with something.
In answer to the question...
Since you've been lied to so much, of course you don't know what to believe! We're guessing here but here goes--your husband is probably afraid that if he tells you his truth, it will stir up trouble or be the end of the relationship.
We suggest that you ask him what does he feel will be in danger if he tells you the truth? What dynamic in the relationship makes him feel that dishonesty is the way to go rather than honesty? Where did he learn that lying was the way to be in relationship?
Be sure you ask without blaming. No this may be pretty difficult but unless you try to ask those questions from the standpoint of curiosity rather than blame--and truly wanting to understand, he probably won't answer them.
Remember curiosity isn't condoning or forgiving for that matter.
If he won't answer these questions, ask yourself the same questions to try to understand his motivations a little better.
To separate lies from truth, create a space as much as possible where he can tell you his truth—even though it may be uncomfortable to hear. It doesn’t mean that you can’t have boundaries and that you want to continue to live with the truth of who he is—but it does mean that you will both be acting from who you each are.
Meet your doubts with clarification. You of course want to be wise and not be naïve to further lies. Unless you are at the point where his lies have damaged the relationship so much that there is no room for learning to trust or it’s damaged your love, take a conscious and intelligent risk with your partner. Stay tuned in to what you know to be true and do your best to open up to trusting him. Forget his words—what do his actions say?
To regain trust, stay in the present and look for trustable moments.
