Jealousy and Mistrust: "My husband doesn't tell me how he feels!"
If there's one thing we know for sure, it's this...
If you have low self esteem and you are with someone who doesn't talk about his or her feelings, it's a recipe for mistrust, jealousy, disconnection and heartache.
Here' what one woman asked us...
"My partner isn't the type to give compliments and show his feelings therefore I've never known how he truly feels about me. It's made me insecure, jealous and mistrusting in the relationship. How can I change my feelings of mistrust in the way he feels about me?"
Here's our answer to her...
First of all, as hard as it is to hear, you chose him and somewhere inside you, you knew that he didn't give compliments and show his feelings--at least as much as you felt you needed. But you went ahead and got with him anyway.
And you're not alone.
A lot of us "put up" with some things or lie to ourselves before we commit to a relationship, thinking they will get better--and they don't. They usually get worse!
With that being said, what do you do now, especially if you want to stay in the relationship?
Here are some ideas to help you...
1. Start with noticing how he does express love, It may not be with words but it may be other ways. While you may want someone to be more verbal about his expression of love, this man apparently isn't. Some people grow up not seeing good examples of this and don't feel comfortable doing it. That doesn't mean he can't learn, but he has to want to learn. If he doesn't want to learn how to be more verbally expressive, you have to notice how he expresses love. It may be that he "does" things for you or takes care of you in other ways. Keep a notebook and start writing down what you see.
2. Make a list of what you love about him and your relationship. Keep this list handy and look at it when you start to doubt your relationship and his love.
2. When you start getting jealous and mistrusting, ask yourself if what you are thinking is true or not. If it's not true, remind yourself about the ways that your partner has expressed love. If you think your thoughts are true, then you need to discover what's really happening and take a stand for what you want if he is breaking one of your commitments. Take a very hard line with yourself about your thoughts--and don't stay in the past or future.
3. Sooner or later you're going to have to decide if you want to stay in this relationship if you aren't getting your needs met. If you can't find any way that he shows his love to you, it may be time to tell him what you want--that you're not sure he really loves you and would like for the two of you to either create a closer relationship or part ways.
While you can never "change" someone in ways that he or she doesn't want to change, if both of you value the relationship, you can both change to make it better.
