Love and Relationship Advice Blog

Expressing gratitude and saying thank you is something that many of us were taught to do from a very early age. Coaxing a toddler, then teenager to say “thank you” is a regularly occurring occasion for most parents. It's the polite thing to do, after all, and shows good manners. Once we're adults, saying “thanks” is often not given much thought if we remember to say it at all. In the day to day of your love relationship, gratitude tends to be completely forgotten except for those special favors we ask of each other. Making a habit of offering heartfelt thanks to the one you love can not only make your partner feel appreciated, it can enhance intimacy and bring your closer together.

As unsexy as “thank you” seems, gratitude can put you and your mate on the path to a more passionate relationship. After all, how many times have you and your partner become so busy with your jobs, the kids, the pets, the house and everything else in life that you pretty much only connect when making love? And that might even be fit in rather hurriedly. How much deeper would your intimate connecting be when it's built on a foundation of regularly expressed gratitude that comes with a sense of presence and from the heart?

Many of us feel over-scheduled and stretched beyond our limits. One friend says she'd give anything for a clone of herself just to get everything done. Hearing “thank you” more often for even the small things you do for your love would feel great. In fact, you might even harbor a little resentment that all of your efforts seem to go unnoticed by your partner. If this is the case, hearing and saying “thank you” more often would probably benefit your relationship.

But the very big catch here is that when you express gratitude to your partner, you need to be tuned in and engaged. If you distractedly utter a “thanks” as you turn your attention back to your to do list, the potential for connection is lost. In much the same way, when your love does tell you how grateful he or she is that you took out the trash, walked the dog, or cleaned up spilled milk, come back to this moment and fully receive the love that accompanies the gratitude.

Doesn't it feel good?

When you allow yourself to really engage with a compliment or words of thanks given by your love, it feel oh so good. Don't discount your mate's “thank you” by saying “it was nothing” or something to that effect. Instead, accept his or her thanks and take a few seconds to bask in the love relayed through the gratitude. The next time you notice your partner's contributions to your home, family or relationship, infuse your thanking words with the love you feel. Watch him or her revel in your those uplifting emotions.

It's this kind of sharing that, over time, builds up and can really enhance your intimate life. Just think about how much more excited you are about attending a party when you know people you share a connection with will also be in attendance. Yes, it's fun to meet new folks, but it's usually a richer and deeper experience when you already have a strong and positive history together. In a similar way, the non-intimate times in your love relationship can have a huge impact on the sensual intimate sharing that happens.

Be on the look-out for gratitude moments.

Once you see how much more passionate intimacy can be when you and your mate build connection during those non-intimate times, you might want to say “thank you” more often! As wonderful as it feels to receive your love's gratitude, it can be just as good a feeling to express it. Even if you'd like to hear “thank you” more often, you can still enjoy gratitude. Don't miss an opportunity to let yourself know how much you appreciate something about you. Perhaps you feel invigorated after a trip to the gym. Thank yourself for treating your body well.

If you mainly notice all of things about your partner that get on your nerves, see if you can find one aspect or action each day that you appreciate about him or her. It might be as seemingly insignificant as the way your mate cleans up after him or herself in the bathroom. Start there and let your mate know that you appreciate that. As you become practiced finding gratitude moments, they will probably occur more frequently and easily.

Saying “thank you” is not just for that present from grandma when you're 13. Nobody outgrows the potential benefit of expressing and receiving gratitude-- even if it's to yourself, from you. Allow yourself to be present in each moment and let your love know how much you appreciate him or her. You may find yourself realizing how grateful you are for the renewed and growing passion and love you share .

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 02:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

In our recent survey, lying was a big topic that we thought we'd address a specific question...

Here's one--
“My husband lied to me so much in the past that I don’t know what to believe anymore. Even if he says something nice or says he loves me, I have trouble believing him. How will I know when he is being honest with me again?”

Here's our take on lying and our answer to this specific question...

Why does someone lie to another person?

A person lies to you because they don’t believe that they can be who they really are or get what they want unless they tell you what they think you want to hear. Lying becomes a habit and a way of manipulating to get what the person wants, whether it's to keep the peace, to temporarily make you happy or simply a game to try to get away with something.

In answer to the question...

Since you've been lied to so much, of course you don't know what to believe! We're guessing here but here goes--your husband is probably afraid that if he tells you his truth, it will stir up trouble or be the end of the relationship.

We suggest that you ask him what does he feel will be in danger if he tells you the truth? What dynamic in the relationship makes him feel that dishonesty is the way to go rather than honesty? Where did he learn that lying was the way to be in relationship?

Be sure you ask without blaming. No this may be pretty difficult but unless you try to ask those questions from the standpoint of curiosity rather than blame--and truly wanting to understand, he probably won't answer them.

Remember curiosity isn't condoning or forgiving for that matter.

If he won't answer these questions, ask yourself the same questions to try to understand his motivations a little better.

To separate lies from truth, create a space as much as possible where he can tell you his truth—even though it may be uncomfortable to hear. It doesn’t mean that you can’t have boundaries and that you want to continue to live with the truth of who he is—but it does mean that you will both be acting from who you each are.

Meet your doubts with clarification. You of course want to be wise and not be naïve to further lies. Unless you are at the point where his lies have damaged the relationship so much that there is no room for learning to trust or it’s damaged your love, take a conscious and intelligent risk with your partner. Stay tuned in to what you know to be true and do your best to open up to trusting him. Forget his words—what do his actions say?

To regain trust, stay in the present and look for trustable moments.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 01:44 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

We're getting ready to do something we never thought we'd do.

In fact, we never thought we'd be sharing what we're getting ready to tell you about but the truth is we simply couldn't ignore the facts any longer.

Here's what we're talking about...

As we continue to work with people like you to help you build closer and more connected relationships, we have
determined that...

Trust and lack of trust in relationships and marriages has reached epidemic proportions and we feel called to do
something about it.

If you or anyone you know is dealing with any of the following issues, problems or challenges in your relationship or marriage...

~ lack of trust
~ lies
~ jealousy
~ infidelity
~ cheating
~ partner looking at "Adult " web sites
~ forgiveness after an affair
~communication challenges (because of an affair or infidelity)

Then this may be the most important information you'll ever read and here's why...

If you have trust issues in your relationship or marriage, whether you want to admit it or not, your relationship could be in serious trouble.

How "serious" depends on your specific situation.

In relationships, trust is the single most important factor that makes up a good relationship or marriage.

Without trust (even if you choose to stay in the relationship or marriage), the relationship will die unless you do something to rebuild it.

Next week we're offering a one-time only webcast and teleseminar where we're going to begin sharing some brand new information with you that we've been working on that shows you how to turn trust around in a relationship or marriage (especially when there's been an affair).

http://www.passionateheart.com/Trust

What's important is...

If trust is an issue for you in your relationship or marriage and you want to turn it around...

... then we encourage you to visit the following web page right now so you can get to the front of the line to get this relationship changing and trust rebuilding info when we share it for the first time next week during our webcast and teleseminar next week.

http://www.passionateheart.com/Trust

Warmest regards,

Susie and Otto Collins

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 10:17 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Whether it's Pinocchio whose extending nose gave away his lies or the “lying eyes” of the lover in a popular Eagle's song, it seems we are often on the lookout for signs of betrayal from those we love. In fables and songs, lies are just part of a story; but nobody wants that kind of story in a love relationship. If your partner lied to you in the past, you might find yourself suspicious and wondering when he or she will betray you again. No matter the size the of the lie, when someone is dishonest with you, trust is weakened and you two move further apart. When you choose to stay in your relationship, in order to rebuild trust it is important to put the lies behind you and look to your present and future together.

This is not always as easy as it sounds! It could be your partner lied and had an affair. Or maybe he or she did not have an affair but was dishonest about enough little things that added up to a big-feeling betrayal. Chances are, whether you discovered your partner's lies or they were confessed to you probably experienced hurt, doubt and mistrust. After the possible upheaval, it is now time to heal, let go of the past and learn to rebuild trust, especially after an affair.

Here are 4 ways to learn how to trust again...

Move toward forgiveness.

Forgiveness can be a process. Depending on the situation, it may take you awhile to fully forgive all involved with the lying. Start out by forgiving yourself if you feel any blame for “causing” your partner to lie or for judging yourself as “blind” to what was going on. Self-blame or judging will not help you heal.

Next, consider forgiving your partner if you haven't already. To forgive him or her doesn't mean that you agree with the lying, but only that you are ready to move on and stop carrying around the pain of feeling betrayed. If forgiving seems too difficult right now, make it your intention to open up to forgiving as you are ready.

Meet doubts with clarification.

It is probable that you have doubts and suspicions at this time. You want to be wise and not be naïve to further lies; but at the same time, you have decided to continue this relationship and want to enjoy renewed trust. Suspicion and trust cannot co-exist in a love relationship. We suggest that you allow yourself to take a conscious and intelligent risk with your partner. This means that you stay tuned in to what you know to be true and do your best to open up to trusting him or her again.

If your mate tells you something and you feel suspicious, pay attention to how you are feeling. Go within and ask yourself why you might be feeling this way about what you were told. If, after inquiring within, you still have questions, ask your partner for clarification about what was said. Try not to make accusations or hold the past over his or her head. Instead, make a request for more information from your partner and then listen.

Stay present.

This can be tricky for everyone. Not only are you probably living a fast-paced life with many responsibilities to juggle, you also are dealing with past events that are painful and have stuck with you. Use deep breathing to help you stay present. Sometimes just sitting still for a few minutes and paying attention only to your breath moving into your body and out of your body can bring you back to the right here and now. This can be immensely helpful when you are trying to let the past stay in the past and live for today.

Look for trustable moments.

After finding out your partner lied to you, you have probably subconsciously been on the alert for any perceived signs of lying. Despite your best efforts, your dishonesty radar is possibly working overtime analyzing body signals and words spoken by your love. If it is your intention to re-build trust, you need to shift your focus. As we said above, stay conscious of what's going on; at the same time, make sure you are noticing those trustable moments with your mate.

Make a mental note of all the times he or she says something and then follows through exactly as promised. We absolutely don't recommend you check up on your partner to see if he or she is telling the truth. Find other ways to look for times your love is truthful with you. They can be seemingly small. But those can all add up to re-connection and renewed trust. You can enjoy an even closer connection and love with your partner. It requires letting go of the past, staying aware, and focusing on the love you share.

For more information

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 02:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

If there's one thing we know for sure, it's this...

If you have low self esteem and you are with someone who doesn't talk about his or her feelings, it's a recipe for mistrust, jealousy, disconnection and heartache.

Here' what one woman asked us...

"My partner isn't the type to give compliments and show his feelings therefore I've never known how he truly feels about me. It's made me insecure, jealous and mistrusting in the relationship. How can I change my feelings of mistrust in the way he feels about me?"

Here's our answer to her...

First of all, as hard as it is to hear, you chose him and somewhere inside you, you knew that he didn't give compliments and show his feelings--at least as much as you felt you needed. But you went ahead and got with him anyway.

And you're not alone.

A lot of us "put up" with some things or lie to ourselves before we commit to a relationship, thinking they will get better--and they don't. They usually get worse!

With that being said, what do you do now, especially if you want to stay in the relationship?

Here are some ideas to help you...

1. Start with noticing how he does express love, It may not be with words but it may be other ways. While you may want someone to be more verbal about his expression of love, this man apparently isn't. Some people grow up not seeing good examples of this and don't feel comfortable doing it. That doesn't mean he can't learn, but he has to want to learn. If he doesn't want to learn how to be more verbally expressive, you have to notice how he expresses love. It may be that he "does" things for you or takes care of you in other ways. Keep a notebook and start writing down what you see.

2. Make a list of what you love about him and your relationship. Keep this list handy and look at it when you start to doubt your relationship and his love.

2. When you start getting jealous and mistrusting, ask yourself if what you are thinking is true or not. If it's not true, remind yourself about the ways that your partner has expressed love. If you think your thoughts are true, then you need to discover what's really happening and take a stand for what you want if he is breaking one of your commitments. Take a very hard line with yourself about your thoughts--and don't stay in the past or future.

3. Sooner or later you're going to have to decide if you want to stay in this relationship if you aren't getting your needs met. If you can't find any way that he shows his love to you, it may be time to tell him what you want--that you're not sure he really loves you and would like for the two of you to either create a closer relationship or part ways.

While you can never "change" someone in ways that he or she doesn't want to change, if both of you value the relationship, you can both change to make it better.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 01:51 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)