Jealousy and Insecure Behavior--More Thoughts...
Since we've had quite a few comments on this topic, we thought we'd go a little deeper in talking about insecurity and jealousy. Here's a woman's question that might be similar to what you are feeling....
"I'm in a relationship where my insecurities are causing fights, at least once a week. I'm insecure because of past relationships which I recognize. I am also insecure because he is not as affectionate or romantic as my previous boyfriends have been. I just dont know how to stop being so insecure and to stop expecting the romance to be there. But I do know if I dont stop, I will ruin this relationship. Where do I start?"
Okay, this woman brings up two very important reasons that many people feel insecure and jealous in relationships--
1. Experiences from past relationships
2. Current partner isn't exactly what she wants--She wants him to be different.
So we'll talk about each of these and what you can do to feel more secure and get rid of jealousy...
Experiences from past relationships
Holding on to what happened in previous relationships is one of the biggest reasons that people act from jealousy. They remember what happened in the past--and they keep remembering it over and over until they create it again in another relationship.
One of the biggest steps in overcoming jealousy is to separate your past from your present. One good way to do that is to question your thoughts when the past comes up to haunt you. You can say something to yourself as simple as "This was my past but it's not my present or my future." And then follow that up with thinking of evidence that supports that thought like "My current partner honors me by not being late for dates" or "My partner tells me he/she loves me."
When you do that--and keep doing it--you'll discover that the pull of the past has a weaker and weaker hold on you until you are completely and fully in your present moment.
Current partner isn't exactly what you want
Most fights within intimate relationships start from the idea that "I want you to be different," with one or both people acting from that mindset. When there's jealousy, this is especially true. One person wants to act or be one way and the other person doesn't like it. Whatever he or she is doing, the partner interprets that behavior as threatening and feels insecure as a result.
The first place to start is to know that we are all different and we all approach life and love differently. The woman asking our featured question feels insecure because her current partner isn't as affectionate or romantic as she wants and needs. Affection and romance feels like love to this woman (and probably to you too) but not to her partner. Her partner may have a tough time expressing love in this way and it's his choice whether he wants to continue being as he is or expand and grow. The truth may also be that this woman wants so much love and affection because she doesn't feel secure in this relationship that he feels smothered.
Whatever the reasons, it's good to first figure out what you want in a relationship, have your partner do the same and then see where these wants and desires overlap. If you both want to continue deepening the relationship, then you have to begin doing things that will bring you closer to what you want.
If this woman truly is not getting the physical affection that she wants and her partner refuses to make some changes, then she needs to honor him but also honor herself. She can take steps to overcome jealousy and deal with her insecurities by being willing to look at what's true and what's not true in her life. She can actively begin to move toward what she wants, whether she will be with this person in the future or not.
Know that you can change from being jealous and insecure. You can make the changes that you want in your life.
