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Jealous and Insecure Behavoir: 4 Ways to Stop It

Here's a question from a visitor that is a common one when you're dealing with jealousy issues...

"How do you get over being insecure? I've been told I'm a little insecure and jealous in our relationship but I have my reasons of feeling that way. How do you become easy going and carefree, not worrying about the future or next step in the relationship? We've been together for almost 2 years now and have had a rough road but we've had some really good times as well. Is it worth staying in this relationship?"

We're sure that this person has her reasons for feeling insecure and jealous in her relationship--most people do who battle the green-eyed monster. Here are a few ideas for you to consider if you can identify with her question...

1. You don't go from feeling insecure and jealous to feeling easy-going and carefree, not worrying about your relationship overnight. You have to let go of your tension and step into believing in yourself a step at a time.

2. One of the first steps is to figure out what your "reasons" are for holding on to being insecure and jealous. Did your partner (or someone important to you) in the past leave you for someone else? Is your current partner doing things to make you mistrust him or her? What thoughts are keeping you stuck?

3. Take one step toward empowering yourself. If what you are holding onto happened in your past and is not happening in your present, you have to be the one to change them when they come up to more empowering ones. You can tell yourself that that was in the past and this is now. You can change your habit of thinking that you will be dumped or whatever it is you fear will happen again to envisioning something better for yourself.

If your current partner is doing things to fan the flames of jealousy and insecurity, then you have to decide if you can come to any agreement about how you want to be together. You may have a different idea of how you want to be in a relationship than your partner. If this is the case, find out what he or she wants in your relationship and find out if the two of you can come together--on the same page--more of the time.

4. Focus on what you want rather than what you don't want. So often, when someone is insecure and jealous, there's the tendency to focus on what's lacking and not what you want. If this is you, try focusing and moving toward what you do want. Be willing to share what you want and if there's no way that you can have that with this person, consider whether you want to stay in this relationship or not.

If you are carrying memories from past relationships into your current relationship, stop focusing on those memories and what happened in the past and look to a different future. If you are unhappy with your partner's conduct, take steps to decide what kind of relationship you want and find out if your partner is interested in the same kind of relationship.

What might be one small step you could take toward what you want?

Get more free information about jealousy.


What if an experience in the part kept haunting me? :(

If an experience keeps haunting you, then you have regret--regret that you didn't do something or regret that you did something different than what happened. Or maybe even regreat that it didn't work out the way you hoped it would.

If you have been haunted for quite a while, it may be time to start living in the present instead of the past.

I remember after my first husband left me and I was filled with anxiety and focused on the past 30 years--with a lot of "what ifs."

I remember being in my front room, not able to breathe very well, and deciding that he was going on with his life and it was time that I looked to my future and what I wanted. (which was a novel idea at the time)

So I literally turned myself to a different direction while I was standing in my living room and thought about what I wanted--instead of what I had or didn't have in the past.

It worked--and I moved forward to create the life I have now with Otto from that moment on.

But I first had to turn and face my future instead of my past.

Um, i'm in a relationship in which my boyfriend has left me before and I easily get jelous of other girls because when I didn't last time, he left me. Now he's complaining and wants me to stop being clingy and jelous. What do I do?

Rachel, it's time for you to be you and to go for what you want--not what will Keep your boyfriend. If this guy wants other girls, he doesn't want you enough to stay with him. You do not want to live trying to figure out what will make him happy. What kind of relationship do you want? When you decide that, then start acting from that place within you.

I'm in a relationship where my insecurities are causing fights, atleast once a week. I'm insecure because of past relationships which I recognize. I am also insecure because he is not as affectionate or romantic as my previous boyfriends have been. I just dont know how to stop being so insecure and to stop expecting the romance to be there. But I do know if I dont stop, I will ruin this relationship. Where do I start?

It's especially hard to stop feeling insecure after your partner has given you cause for concern in the recent past. To continue the relationship I need to forgive and forget. I have forgiven, but I can't forget and worry it might happen again. I hate feeling this way.

Yes, it can certainly be hard to stop feeling insecure after your partner has actually done something to erode or kill trust. You have a choice to make--to let go of holding onto the hurt (which will only hurt you) and recommit to your relationship but only if your partner has stopped the behavior and recommits to you OR hold onto the hurt. You see forgiveness is for you and if you are not able to let go of your thoughts that separate you, you really haven't forgiven. I know that it's very difficult but I would start by recommitting (if the behavior has stopped and your partner wants to truly be with you) and question your thoughts when you mull over what happened. You can ask yourself something like "Is that thought true right now?" And if it isn't, focus on the present.

I'm battling insecurities and jealousy as well as my bf. he can't get over my past, the fact that he's not my first sexually,and randomly guys from my past will text me, and this makes him think of me and them having sex and we have a big fight. i never respond to the texts from other guys though, and his insecurities cause me to be insecure.
He used to be a player and he cheated on all the girls in his past, and so girls text him and we see them at school, and because of this its hard for us both to get visuals of the each other with other people out of our heads. im his first love and he's very faithful and trustworthy and has grown so much since we've been together. I know he's not cheating, but it's hard to let go of the past when people from our past keep popping up. how can we cope?

I was physically and mentally abused by both parents my whole life. my mother friend has abused me and my mothers boyfriend (now husband)abused me for ages and my mum never believed me. So naturally im hate myself (both parents could'nt stop telling me how ugly i am)and have trust issues...i have been with my bf for nearly 2 years now living together for 1 1/2 years. my insecurities are startingto have its toll and the relationship is not what it used to be... i tell my bf its not something i can get over overnight and that if i can't even trust my family how am i to trust anyone else...he just doesn't get it so now i want to can i learn to love myself not only physically but mentally (i hate my personality) so our relationship doesnt crumble...he is all i have i have no friends or family, i cannot afford to lose him

My name is rachael and i have been in a relationship with my boyfriend since i was 16 we are now 20 and have lived with each other for 2 years now i am VERY jealous and VERY insecure. I freak out if i see him talking to another girl and think he is flirting or cheating but he is an amazing man and would never cheat on me. And has nevert done anything to make me think so. Its really hurting our relationship because of the trust issues!!!!!!! IM SO CRAZY AND I NEED HELP!!!!!!! what do i do ??

my ex and i are getting back together but i keep putting it off because I've become so possessive over him and i don't want that negative energy to be a part of out relationship
he used to go to an all boys school but now he's in uni there are obviously girls. he's become close to a very pretty girl he says she's attractive but that she's not even close to how attractive i am
she has a boyfriend (they started going out in the beginning of the year) but she was flirting with my ex at the same time he told her about me and how he wants to get back together with me she stopped talking to him for a short period and just made awkward conversation
they started talking properly again not much texting just in person as they share the same classes
i cant help but get jealous because she is the same religion as him and the way he talks about her is so much more different than he's ever talked about any of his other friends who were girls
the worst part is whenever he justifies why he'll never be with her he immediately says cos she has a boyfriend not cos he wants to be with me
i don't know what to do

hi my bf recently left me , he said first he didmt love me but i knew that wasen the truth we met up and talked he said my insecurity and jealousness made him angry so he couldnt be with me anymore i knew i was but couldnt change help me change i love him and want him back he is the love of my life , i love him too much to leave it at this i need to sort this out and then try get him back hes my world and this is tearing me apart

Hi. My bf and I have been together almost 3 years off and on and have had a pretty rocky road. We got together when I was 2 months pregnant with my daughter after her donor decided he didnt want a kid. We just recently had a little boy together. He left to go to some truck driving school before the baby was born. So Im here raising 2 babies on my own and he is off doing whatever it is he's doing. Things are constantly different or changing from what he originally told me. And random things keep turning up, yet he has no clue why I am the way I am. I dont want my issues to ruin this but we need to find a level playing field and I'm not sure how.

My girlfriend and I just had a baby, and I get very jealous, and insecure when it comes to her, or our baby going to her mom & sister's house. Me and that household have very bad blood between us...We argue 95% of the time about them, overtime the fights, are getting more intense and has been turned into a domestic violence type situation...And I really dont want to be this way, I want to be a carefree, drama free guy with no jealousy...I dont know about her insecurities, but I want mine gone for me before I destroy myself!

Jazz, the time to get some help is right now. Nothing destroys a relationship and trust quicker than when fights escalate into violence. So stop fighting right now and get help.

It sounds like something happened to turn your girlfriend's mom and sister against you. Fighting with your girlfriend about it will only cement the image that you are what the mom and sister accuse you of being.

So instead of fighting about it and trying to prove they're wrong, you become the person you want to be and the dad you want to be.

Your girlfriend is torn between you and her family and by continuing to fight, you are pushing her away from you.

So learn to control your thoughts first--we've got plenty of free articles on this site and go to and sign up for our free lessons on how to get rid of jealousy once and for all.

Above all, be the man and father you want to be and stop the violence.

Hi, my bf is not affectionate that is how he is and I asked a question wether I am the prettiest girl he's dated and he said no it made me really upset and insecure and I once I think I've got over the fact of what he said I am sometimes mentallu reminded and it makes me upset again

I have been with my bf for 4 years now and have lived together for the last 2. I am very insecure and jealous and it is making me crazy. I cry often, hardly sleep and feel anxious all the time. It all started when he brought up the idea of becoming swingers. That has made me feel that I am not enough for him and that he just wants to be sexual with other women. I don't want to do this but he keeps making me feel guilty and telling me that I am disappointing him and says that my jealousy and insecurities are ruining our relationship. If he didn't want to be a swinger I wouldn't have these feelings. Does he want to do swinging because I am not enough? He says it is just to fulfil fantasies and he wants to see me receiving pleasure. i think that is crazy and he isn't being honest. I hate feeling like this. Please, please help me. This is not a topic I can talk to my family or friends about. It is too humiliating and embarassing.

I'm going through some serious mental issues because of things from the past that I can't let go.It doesn't help that every time I start letting my guard down, I find something out that triggers the insecurities and jealousy again. He doesn't feel like he is doing anything wrong and I am sick and tired of trying to explain why I have become this way. For example, he is always complimenting his hot friends and full on flirting with them to the point that I think he might actually do something more than that if he had the opportunity. He is always out of town for work and I feel like I'm going insane with all these thoughts and things I keep finding out...I just want to go away.

Okay I can't let go of my past no matter what I do I just can't. My x gf and dated since high school for four years. okay now this is a very long story so ill sum it up, we had a child together. We went our seperate ways on sept 29, 2010, we went through court for child custody. She put me through hell keeping the child from me, putting me down by saying "I faked everything in bed" etc u name it she said it. Well I finally get my custody wrights and than she tells the judge the kids not mine. Christmas eve of last year we get paternity results, n she was wright I'm not the father. So I lose my wrights as a dad, and the one I dedicated myself who i thought was the one. She gets a new bf, and I'n feb 2011 I find out she moved in with him and she has her own house n never looked back. She did call me saying sorry for what she did in feb 2011. I said I forgave her but deep down I never had this much anger in my life. And til this day I'm scared, and mad because how can someone be so evil and be able to be happy n financially set with a house and a new fam without any karma or punishment. I'm mad because I feel this whole situation is unfair, but I'm very scared to start a relationship or even talk to a girl. What should I do...?

Ray, get some help before you even think about getting into another relationship. Not all women are like your ex but you have to learn how to learn from the past and become wiser in your choices. It also sounds like you need some ways to learn about your anger and ways to channel it in a healthy way. Get some help from a coach or therapist so you can move on.

well, my boyfriend of 4.5 years, cheated on me with somebody for the last 5 months,, Im sure it stopped completely...but every time Im not with him,, I feel extremely anxious and bad memories start bombarding me... and I really luv him, but even though he's with me now and didn't want to stay with her and leave me... (eventhough she threatened him with the "im pregnant" excuse)... it's being hard for me to get back my confidence...

Mary, I answered you in today's post--July 22, 2011.
My best to you, Susie

I've been in a relationship for four months with my girlfriend. I love her to death. She just thinks I'm a little insecure about myself because most of her friends are guys. I'm jealous of the fact tha they have so much fun talking to eachother, but when she talks to me, she's just blah... Help?

Lets begin with, I AM VERY INSECURE when it comes to my bf watching porn. When we first started dating I told him it needed to stop..he said it had. Then i started finding things..he'd deny, even get violent with me. So about 4 months ago my world was turned upside down...I found out my bf of 2 years was a whole diff. person. I found out he had an addiction. He'd watch it everyday...mulitiple times a day. He'd even turn me down, saying he was too tired. Well I took his internet cord away and blocked it on his his request because he hated what was happening. After all this i still feel so worthless..i dont know what to do.

my jealousy and insecurites started when i was 7 years old believe it or not. i was molested by my older cousin at the age of 8. so i think by me not trusting men statred off then, he was someone i trusted, someone in my family, someone i would never think to harm me in any way. as i gotten older i started to date. the first guy i loved, had a secret life. he had a girlfriend of 2 years before he met me. it torn my heart out. the 2nd relationship i was with this guy for several months, we were every typical couple in the beginning. we hung out went out on dates, spent everyday together. one night after 8 months into our relationship i caught him cheating red handed at his house. i was pregnant at the time i was 2 months pregnant.seems like evry relaionship i get into it seems to all end the same way. now that i found a man that loves me and cherish me its hard to trust him and let go of my past. i know my insecurites are ruining our relationship. how do i let all of the pain i went through in the past and start off in a good healthy relationship??

Hi, I met my boyfriend when I was 17, he was 18 and in the army. We stayed together for two and a half years, even though he says he never cheated on me ( which I believe now, but didn't at the time) he treat me so badly- sending me texts meant for other girls particularly when he was drunk etc. Then we split up for a year and we've been back together a year and a half. I'm 4 months pregnant. When we first got back together I was insecure and we talked and I thought I'd gotten over it but recently (before I got pregnant) I've been feeling so insecure over everything! How I look, if he still thinks I'm attractive... I even get jealous over him looking at woman in lads mags! How do I get over this!? Thank you

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Susie & Otto Collins


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