Jealous and Insecure Behavoir: 4 Ways to Stop It
Here's a question from a visitor that is a common one when you're dealing with jealousy issues...
"How do you get over being insecure? I've been told I'm a little insecure and jealous in our relationship but I have my reasons of feeling that way. How do you become easy going and carefree, not worrying about the future or next step in the relationship? We've been together for almost 2 years now and have had a rough road but we've had some really good times as well. Is it worth staying in this relationship?"
We're sure that this person has her reasons for feeling insecure and jealous in her relationship--most people do who battle the green-eyed monster. Here are a few ideas for you to consider if you can identify with her question...
1. You don't go from feeling insecure and jealous to feeling easy-going and carefree, not worrying about your relationship overnight. You have to let go of your tension and step into believing in yourself a step at a time.
2. One of the first steps is to figure out what your "reasons" are for holding on to being insecure and jealous. Did your partner (or someone important to you) in the past leave you for someone else? Is your current partner doing things to make you mistrust him or her? What thoughts are keeping you stuck?
3. Take one step toward empowering yourself. If what you are holding onto happened in your past and is not happening in your present, you have to be the one to change them when they come up to more empowering ones. You can tell yourself that that was in the past and this is now. You can change your habit of thinking that you will be dumped or whatever it is you fear will happen again to envisioning something better for yourself.
If your current partner is doing things to fan the flames of jealousy and insecurity, then you have to decide if you can come to any agreement about how you want to be together. You may have a different idea of how you want to be in a relationship than your partner. If this is the case, find out what he or she wants in your relationship and find out if the two of you can come together--on the same page--more of the time.
4. Focus on what you want rather than what you don't want. So often, when someone is insecure and jealous, there's the tendency to focus on what's lacking and not what you want. If this is you, try focusing and moving toward what you do want. Be willing to share what you want and if there's no way that you can have that with this person, consider whether you want to stay in this relationship or not.
If you are carrying memories from past relationships into your current relationship, stop focusing on those memories and what happened in the past and look to a different future. If you are unhappy with your partner's conduct, take steps to decide what kind of relationship you want and find out if your partner is interested in the same kind of relationship.
What might be one small step you could take toward what you want?
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Comments
What if an experience in the part kept haunting me? :(
Posted by: alitta | June 3, 2008 06:01 AM
If an experience keeps haunting you, then you have regret--regret that you didn't do something or regret that you did something different than what happened. Or maybe even regreat that it didn't work out the way you hoped it would.
If you have been haunted for quite a while, it may be time to start living in the present instead of the past.
I remember after my first husband left me and I was filled with anxiety and focused on the past 30 years--with a lot of "what ifs."
I remember being in my front room, not able to breathe very well, and deciding that he was going on with his life and it was time that I looked to my future and what I wanted. (which was a novel idea at the time)
So I literally turned myself to a different direction while I was standing in my living room and thought about what I wanted--instead of what I had or didn't have in the past.
It worked--and I moved forward to create the life I have now with Otto from that moment on.
But I first had to turn and face my future instead of my past.
Posted by: Susie | June 3, 2008 10:20 AM
Um, i'm in a relationship in which my boyfriend has left me before and I easily get jelous of other girls because when I didn't last time, he left me. Now he's complaining and wants me to stop being clingy and jelous. What do I do?
Posted by: Rachel | June 3, 2008 04:14 PM
Rachel, it's time for you to be you and to go for what you want--not what will Keep your boyfriend. If this guy wants other girls, he doesn't want you enough to stay with him. You do not want to live trying to figure out what will make him happy. What kind of relationship do you want? When you decide that, then start acting from that place within you.
Posted by: Susie | June 3, 2008 04:57 PM
I'm in a relationship where my insecurities are causing fights, atleast once a week. I'm insecure because of past relationships which I recognize. I am also insecure because he is not as affectionate or romantic as my previous boyfriends have been. I just dont know how to stop being so insecure and to stop expecting the romance to be there. But I do know if I dont stop, I will ruin this relationship. Where do I start?
Posted by: Kathy | June 7, 2008 03:02 PM
It's especially hard to stop feeling insecure after your partner has given you cause for concern in the recent past. To continue the relationship I need to forgive and forget. I have forgiven, but I can't forget and worry it might happen again. I hate feeling this way.
Posted by: Marie | June 17, 2008 11:42 AM
Yes, it can certainly be hard to stop feeling insecure after your partner has actually done something to erode or kill trust. You have a choice to make--to let go of holding onto the hurt (which will only hurt you) and recommit to your relationship but only if your partner has stopped the behavior and recommits to you OR hold onto the hurt. You see forgiveness is for you and if you are not able to let go of your thoughts that separate you, you really haven't forgiven. I know that it's very difficult but I would start by recommitting (if the behavior has stopped and your partner wants to truly be with you) and question your thoughts when you mull over what happened. You can ask yourself something like "Is that thought true right now?" And if it isn't, focus on the present.
Posted by: Susie | June 17, 2008 12:41 PM