Love and Relationship Advice Blog

You just don’t want to get burned again. That may be how you feel if your partner had an affair and you’ve decided to stay together. You two have probably identified some of the reasons why the affair happened in the first place and are taking steps to re-build your relationship as you reunite. Unfortunately, you may encounter jealous feelings as worries that he or she will cheat again seep into your mind.

Jealousy and the mistrust that comes with it can undermine your efforts to re-connect and enjoy love once more with your partner. It is understandable that you might feel confused about which thoughts and internal concerns to pay attention to. Those voices in your head that link back to the betrayal and hurt may be rooted in the past but they’re probably still there. There are also those inner voices that are encouraging you to trust again and give your partner and your relationship another chance. The difficulty is, you can’t be 100% sure what is true at any moment and that makes jealousy even harder to avoid.

Here's how Kara and Pete dealt with Kara's affair and some tips to deal with jealousy...

Kara and Pete decided to stay together after Kara’s affair. That was a year ago and they’ve both worked hard to leave the affair behind them and concentrate on making their relationship stronger and healthier than it was before. Pete is having a tough time with jealousy though. He trusts Kara most of the time, but there are occasions when he just doesn’t know what to believe and he certainly doesn’t want to admit this to her. Ultimately, Pete doesn’t want to go through the pain, embarrassment and upset again that accompanied her affair. He loves Kara deeply and most of time feels sure she wants to be with him. But when she works late or talks about specific male co-workers, alarm bells ring in Pete’s head.

Listen to your inner self.
As confusing as it may be at this time, we suggest that you listen to your inner self and those voices. We don’t encourage you to immediately act on everything you are hearing within your own mind however. It is important that you don’t dismiss your intuitive guidance. Instead, gently question what you are hearing from within. Ask yourself if you know this to be true. Then, if you need clarification from your partner or from a friend who is close to the situation, you can ask for more information in the form of a question, not an accusation.

Pete realizes that some of the internal warning signals he encounters when Kara works late have a lot to do with his fear that she’ll cheat again and not so much in what’s actually going on. After some reflection, Pete sees that not only is he afraid to be hurt again, he is afraid that others will see him as less of a man because his partner had an affair. It would be even worse if it happened again! Realizing this helps Pete tune into his perceptions of himself as a man and heal from there.

Stay present.
Keep reminding yourself where you are today and stay in the present moment. Yes, we can learn from the past but it doesn’t help anyone to live and keep re-living what’s already been and gone. If it is helpful to you, create a ritual to let go of the past. You might even share this ritual with your partner as you two celebrate your renewed relationship. When jealous feelings arise, take a moment and breathe. Then inquire within to see whether the feelings are rooted in the past or in present events.

Keep connected.
When you are not feeling jealous, be sure to engage in activities that help you and your love stay connected with one another. Pete and Kara love to travel and take bike rides together. In fact, it was on a group bike trip where they first met and fell in love. As time went on, however, they both became busier with careers and other interests that kept them apart more than either liked. This wasn’t the sole cause of Kara having an affair, of course, but it was a factor. As they re-build their relationship, Pete and Kara are re-discovering cycling again and the bond that it enhances between them.

It doesn’t matter what it is. Whatever allows you and your partner to share with one another in an alive and passionate way, do it! It may be something completely different from what you used to do. It might also be a mixture of things that you each choose. Be willing to explore new ways to connect. You never know how fun it could be until you try! As you open up and allow yourself to heal and be present, trust and love can re-build and grow.

For more information about how to overcome jealousy, visit http://www.NoMoreJealousy.com and sign up for a free course.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 11:30 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

For the past couple of weeks we've been thinking about body image and how it affects relationships. We asked the people on our newsletter list 3 questions which are simple, but not necessarily easy to answer...

The questions were:

-Do you love yourself?

-Do you love your body?

-Do you like your physical appearance?

Because so many people seemed to be bothered by these questions, we knew that health, weight, body size and body image were indeed barriers to love, connection and better relationships.

Because of how big of an issue this seems to be, we decided we wanted to do something to help change all this...

Susie asked our good friend Andrea Albright (who is a health, fitness and weight loss coach) to do an online class for you and our other subscribers about how and why so many people let their body and their appearance be a barrier to the love, connection and intimacy that they really want. And most importantly what you can do about it.

This is the truth--At first Susie wanted to do this class in August but since Andrea is in the process of launching
a brand new program for people who want to enjoy more health and look and feel better, we talked her into sharing some of her secrets with you at no charge right now.

When we say right now-- we mean right now.

Susie and Andrea are offering this info totally free and...

It's tomorrow night (Wednesday) June 25th at 9PM Eastern time / 6PM Pacific Time.

Because it's a webcast and teleseminar, the best part of all this is that you don't have to go anywhere to "attend" this class and get this life and relationship changing info Susie and Andrea are going to share with you.

You can listen in on this one-time only web cast and teleseminar from the comfort of your home, office or anywhere there is a computer or a telephone you can use for an hour or so.

http://www.passionateheart.com/SusieandAndreasClass

When you sign up for Susie and Andrea's class and info, you'll even get a chance to submit your top 2 questions about your body image and how it affects your ability to create closer, more connected and more loving relationships.

Once again...

This is happening tomorrow night (Wednesday) June 25th at 9PM Eastern time / 6PM Pacific Time.

This is a one-time only class where Relationship Coach Susie Collins and health, fitness and weight loss coach
Andrea Allbright will share with you how to learn to love your body and how to make sure you don't allow your
thoughts about your body (no matter what size it is) to create a barrier between you and close, connected
relationships with anyone in your life.

http://www.passionateheart.com/SusieandAndreasClass

In this class, Susie and Andrea are also going to be offering some great health and fitness tips you can use at any age plus you can also submit your questions to them that they might answer during the class.

To sign up for this incredible life and body changing info just visit

http://www.passionateheart.com/SusieandAndreasClass

We think you'll get a lot of valuable insights and it will be time well spent.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 03:31 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Here's our new video on overcoming jealousy--

Whether you are the jealous one or you are with a jealous partner, start getting our free jealousy course now!

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 01:23 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

If you haven't seen the film "Sex and the City," do it right now! We know that it didn't get great reviews and that it's a "Chick Flick" but if you want a good look at relationships, watch it.

We don't want to spoil the story for you but one of the topics is infidelity and whether to forgive or not after it happens.

We certainly understand that it's not too easy to forgive after infidelity and we would say that there are some things to consider if this has happened to you...

1. Is your partner continuing the relationship? If yes, and he or she doesn't want to stop, then take some time and discover what you want. Do you want to stay in a relationship where you are second class and not honored? If no, then consider looking at what you both want.

2. What do you both want in this relationship and do you both want to stay in the relationship? What are you both wanting and are you both willing to move toward it together?

3. What would it look like for your partner to be trustable again? List some tangible things that being trustable would mean.

4. If you both decide that this relationship is what you want and your partner is doing things to prove he or she is trustable, make the agreement that you will leave the past behind and start over--without dragging infidelity into it. What are you both willing to do to create more passion, love and connection between the two of you?

5. Keep doing the little things that create connection in every moment. Don't stop with a renewal but keep doing these little things that show you care in each and every day.

When there's been infidelity, it's a wake up call for both people to consider what it is that they want and if they want to be together. And if they do, then they need to agree how they are going to move forward to creating trust and connection--walking into a future together.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 02:55 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Since we've had quite a few comments on this topic, we thought we'd go a little deeper in talking about insecurity and jealousy. Here's a woman's question that might be similar to what you are feeling....

"I'm in a relationship where my insecurities are causing fights, at least once a week. I'm insecure because of past relationships which I recognize. I am also insecure because he is not as affectionate or romantic as my previous boyfriends have been. I just dont know how to stop being so insecure and to stop expecting the romance to be there. But I do know if I dont stop, I will ruin this relationship. Where do I start?"

Okay, this woman brings up two very important reasons that many people feel insecure and jealous in relationships--
1. Experiences from past relationships
2. Current partner isn't exactly what she wants--She wants him to be different.

So we'll talk about each of these and what you can do to feel more secure and get rid of jealousy...

Experiences from past relationships

Holding on to what happened in previous relationships is one of the biggest reasons that people act from jealousy. They remember what happened in the past--and they keep remembering it over and over until they create it again in another relationship.

One of the biggest steps in overcoming jealousy is to separate your past from your present. One good way to do that is to question your thoughts when the past comes up to haunt you. You can say something to yourself as simple as "This was my past but it's not my present or my future." And then follow that up with thinking of evidence that supports that thought like "My current partner honors me by not being late for dates" or "My partner tells me he/she loves me."

When you do that--and keep doing it--you'll discover that the pull of the past has a weaker and weaker hold on you until you are completely and fully in your present moment.

Current partner isn't exactly what you want

Most fights within intimate relationships start from the idea that "I want you to be different," with one or both people acting from that mindset. When there's jealousy, this is especially true. One person wants to act or be one way and the other person doesn't like it. Whatever he or she is doing, the partner interprets that behavior as threatening and feels insecure as a result.

The first place to start is to know that we are all different and we all approach life and love differently. The woman asking our featured question feels insecure because her current partner isn't as affectionate or romantic as she wants and needs. Affection and romance feels like love to this woman (and probably to you too) but not to her partner. Her partner may have a tough time expressing love in this way and it's his choice whether he wants to continue being as he is or expand and grow. The truth may also be that this woman wants so much love and affection because she doesn't feel secure in this relationship that he feels smothered.

Whatever the reasons, it's good to first figure out what you want in a relationship, have your partner do the same and then see where these wants and desires overlap. If you both want to continue deepening the relationship, then you have to begin doing things that will bring you closer to what you want.

If this woman truly is not getting the physical affection that she wants and her partner refuses to make some changes, then she needs to honor him but also honor herself. She can take steps to overcome jealousy and deal with her insecurities by being willing to look at what's true and what's not true in her life. She can actively begin to move toward what she wants, whether she will be with this person in the future or not.

Know that you can change from being jealous and insecure. You can make the changes that you want in your life.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 11:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Here's a question from a visitor that is a common one when you're dealing with jealousy issues...

"How do you get over being insecure? I've been told I'm a little insecure and jealous in our relationship but I have my reasons of feeling that way. How do you become easy going and carefree, not worrying about the future or next step in the relationship? We've been together for almost 2 years now and have had a rough road but we've had some really good times as well. Is it worth staying in this relationship?"

We're sure that this person has her reasons for feeling insecure and jealous in her relationship--most people do who battle the green-eyed monster. Here are a few ideas for you to consider if you can identify with her question...

1. You don't go from feeling insecure and jealous to feeling easy-going and carefree, not worrying about your relationship overnight. You have to let go of your tension and step into believing in yourself a step at a time.

2. One of the first steps is to figure out what your "reasons" are for holding on to being insecure and jealous. Did your partner (or someone important to you) in the past leave you for someone else? Is your current partner doing things to make you mistrust him or her? What thoughts are keeping you stuck?

3. Take one step toward empowering yourself. If what you are holding onto happened in your past and is not happening in your present, you have to be the one to change them when they come up to more empowering ones. You can tell yourself that that was in the past and this is now. You can change your habit of thinking that you will be dumped or whatever it is you fear will happen again to envisioning something better for yourself.

If your current partner is doing things to fan the flames of jealousy and insecurity, then you have to decide if you can come to any agreement about how you want to be together. You may have a different idea of how you want to be in a relationship than your partner. If this is the case, find out what he or she wants in your relationship and find out if the two of you can come together--on the same page--more of the time.

4. Focus on what you want rather than what you don't want. So often, when someone is insecure and jealous, there's the tendency to focus on what's lacking and not what you want. If this is you, try focusing and moving toward what you do want. Be willing to share what you want and if there's no way that you can have that with this person, consider whether you want to stay in this relationship or not.

If you are carrying memories from past relationships into your current relationship, stop focusing on those memories and what happened in the past and look to a different future. If you are unhappy with your partner's conduct, take steps to decide what kind of relationship you want and find out if your partner is interested in the same kind of relationship.

What might be one small step you could take toward what you want?

Get more free information about jealousy.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 02:06 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)