What happens if you want to make changes in your relationship and your partner doesn't?

You are committed to making changes that you want in yourself and in your relationship but your partner doesn’t seem to be interested or is even antagonistic. Your partner might even be agreeing to be open to creating better communication with you but then doesn’t follow through—or your partner might simply be ignoring all of your requests.

You’ve tried everything but nothing’s worked.

What do you do then?

Here’s what a couple of people wrote to us about this kind of problem…

“What do you do about a partner who says they will do something (like communicate) and then puts out no effort? At what point do the actions speak louder than the words?”

“What do you do when your husband cheats for the second time in a 21 year marriage? He will not answer any questions about the affair and I’m not even sure that it’s over.”

“What do you do when you have goals, dreams and things you want to have, do or be in your life and your partner seems totally uninterested and says they are happy with the ways things are. I feel like I’m just dying inside here?”

Good questions.

If you are in a situation where you have tried to change or have changed but your partner refuses to even meet you halfway, here are some suggestions and questions for you to consider…

1. Open to your emotional truth--your own as well as your partner’s truth.

There might be some feelings (or facts) that you've been pushing down and not willing to face. Although this can seem like an oxymoron at the time, taking a look at what is real for you and allowing the other person to tell what is real for him or her can certainly lead to connection and to an understanding. Or at the very worst, it can lead to some honest decisions that need to be made about your relationship.

What is it that you know in your heart about your situation in this moment?

If your partner is willing to tell you, what is his or her emotional truth about your relationship?

2.Take a good look at “what is.”

If you are truly doing your work around your communication issues—you are making requests, listening and trying to create agreements around what you both want—but your partner is not showing you any signs of wanting to grow and change, at some point, you’ll need to take a good look at what is.

“What is” means what can not be refuted and what a third person would see if he or she looked at your relationship or situation.

Looking at "what is" can help you evaluate your situation and determine your next step.

"What is" in your situation?

3. Look for evidence that your partner is showing some willingness to open and change.

You’ll need to look for any evidence that your partner wants what you want or even if there’s enough of an overlap between what you and what he or she wants—and a willingness to move toward it.
If you see some evidence but there doesn’t seem to be a whole lot of movement, we suggest that both of you might consider coaching or counseling to help unlock the blocks.

What evidence do you see, if any, that your relationship may have a chance to move in the direction that you would like?

4. Make the choice to focus on what you want rather than what is missing, even if it’s with others in your life.
For instance, if you are feeling frustrated with your partner or relationship and you just can't seem to connect with that person, begin to notice connections that you make with other people in your life.

These connections can be a smile, making eye contact, or even a kind word with someone you meet. Notice what feels good about these connections with others and then start making more connections so that you begin to focus on what you want more of rather than what you don't want.

You might even create connections doing something that once brought you pleasure—like taking singing or dancing lessons, joining a book club—that you no longer do.

This certainly doesn’t mean that you ignore what’s happening with your partner (and it certainly doesn’t mean having an affair with someone else) but rather while you are sorting it all out, you are actually moving toward more connection in your life.

If your partner seems unwilling to move toward you in your relationship, how can you create more of what you want with other people in your life?

5. What’s a deal breaker for you?

If your partner is happy with the way things are and doesn’t want to change and you want more, then look at what’s a deal breaker for you, without making him or her wrong.

Even if your partner has destructive habits or has continual affairs and won’t stop, he or she may choose to keep doing what he or she has been doing. And you have to decide if you want to continue living like you have been living.

If you want more and it’s clear that your partner wants things to stay as they are, you have to decide what’s your deal breaker. In other words, what's most important to you and your bottom line?

Is it that you and your partner have to go to therapy? Is it that your partner stops having affairs? Is it that your partner stops drinking or taking drugs? Is it that your partner starts showing you more love and affection?

What’s so important to you that you have to have it in your life to keep on living—or are you willing to live as you have been?

If your partner is not taking any steps to make any changes, what could be a deal breaker for you concerning leaving or staying in your relationship? Is he or she willing to get help or does he or she think everything is just fine the way it is?

How important to you are the changes that you want in your life and in your relationship? What is the thing that you are no longer willing to put up with or tolerate in your relationship any more—and do you want that so much that you might possibly leave the relationship?

Those are all questions for you to consider if you consider your next steps.

We are in no way recommending leaving a relationship (unless there’s abuse) until both people have truly explored, possibly with the help of a third party, if they can learn to come together in a way that’s good for both of them. The fact is that sometimes this isn’t possible.

Sometimes two people want such different things out of a relationship and life that staying together means that neither person is growing and gets the love, passion, connection, and companionship that he or she wants.
Sometimes, it’s more painful to stay in a relationship than it is to leave. You might really care about your partner and even love him or her but you are no longer wanting to explore being with this person.

We have a process called Should You Stay or Should You Go? to help you determine what’s the best course of action for you if you are considering leaving. For some couples, separating could be for the highest good of both of them and for other couples, their best course is to find out where their wants and desires intersect and move toward that point.

6. Before you give up on your relationship, get help.

One of the things we’ve noticed about relationships that end is the fact that some people stay in relationships way too long and other people leave way too early—before they’ve truly been able to say they’ve done everything they could to rebuild their relationship or marriage.

If you don’t see any evidence and you truly value the relationship and your partner’s love, let him or her know how much pain you are in and also the pain that both of you could feel if the two of you don’t explore new ways of being together.

You might suggest working with a coach or a therapist to help the two of you discover what you each want in the relationship and if it’s possible to have it together--if that isn't clear already.

Whether the two of you choose to open to each other or not will be one of the single biggest factors if you stay together and reconnect or go your separate ways. It all depends on what you want for your life experience and your willingness to open to what you want.