Jealousy: One "Cure" You Must Know
If you tend to be a jealous person, probably the last thing you want to hear is “all you need is love!” Many of us have been there. It feels just rotten when you’re in the midst of jealous emotions. It might be that you are sure the way your partner is talking to another person means that he or she will betray you. Or it could be you feel eaten up inside because you just can’t seem to “compete” with a friend, co-worker, family member or another who is so much more _________ than you are. (You can fill in the blank.)
We encourage you to give your jealous habit the “love cure.” When it comes to jealousy, there are almost always feelings of fear and lack underneath. Perhaps you are fearful that you will be abandoned or betrayed and so you see the potential for just that everywhere you look, especially in the actions and words of your partner. Instead, or additionally, you might feel lack-- like you are and never will be good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, etc. You project those lack feelings outward and see just about everyone as far better than you. At these moments jealousy rears its head causing you even more pain and upsetting your relationships as well.
Jealousy might feel like a gaping hole within you that is the lack and fear. This hole may even seem bottomless. When you see the beauty of your cousin, the financial success of your neighbor or the intelligence of a friend, jealousy comes in with a false promise to fill that hole. “If only I was as ______ as he or she is” might be the words echoing through you.
You may even rely on your partner to fill your lack and fear hole thinking that might stop your jealousy habit. We’re here to remind you that no matter how much your partner wants to make you feel better, when it comes to your jealousy he or she can’t. You are the only one who can do this.
We’ve heard about and many of us live the following scenario: a man and a woman are getting ready to go out. She comes out all dressed up, turns around for the man and asks, “Do I look fat in this outfit?” This is for sure a catch-22 for them both! He can answer that she looks beautiful (and he probably really means it) and she will think he’s just saying that because he has to. Or, he might comment that another dress would be more flattering and, of course, she would feel crushed and that her body is the size of an elephant!
Whether it’s a man or a woman who walks around with a hole of fear and lack within, a partner cannot take that hole away. In the classic scenario, when the couple goes out, no matter what outfit the woman decided to wear, if she feels lacking in terms of her beauty, she will undoubtedly experience jealousy when comparing herself to other women.
The only way to stop a jealousy habit and really fill in that hole of lack and fear is to do it yourself. Fill yourself with love.
Grow and nurture love for yourselfIf the idea of self-love seems too big or makes you feel uncomfortable, start out small. A hole in your yard is most often filled one shovelful at a time. What can you do each day to give yourself at least one shovelful of love? It might be that you slow down and take a relaxing bath reading a book you’ve been meaning to get to. Or, you might start to notice all of things you do well. Perhaps there are things about yourself that you take for granted but they’re really wonderful!
Allow that love to expandAs you give yourself shoveful after shovelful of love, you will probably find that hole of lack and fear getting smaller. As this happens, your self-love can expand. Those areas where you feel most uncomfortable can also be bathed in love. This may take a conscious effort on your part. For example, if you think you are physically ugly or fat, you might choose not to ask your partner how he or she thinks you look. Instead, take a deep breath and look at yourself in the mirror. Yes, there may be parts of your body that you’d like to change, but there might also be parts that you think look ok—even great! When you go out, if your mind begins to start playing the comparing game (where you ultimately lose and then feel jealous), stop yourself and turn your attention elsewhere.
Stopping the jealousy habit takes practice and intention. It also takes addressing lack or fear feelings that tend to fuel jealousy. As you get better and better at loving yourself, you will probably find it easier to receive the love and connection that your partner offers you. Because, when it comes down to it, all you really need is love.
If you are the jealous person in the relationship or if you are with a person whose jealousy is driving you crazy, get a free jealousy courses.
