Love and Relationship Advice Blog

If you tend to be a jealous person, probably the last thing you want to hear is “all you need is love!” Many of us have been there. It feels just rotten when you’re in the midst of jealous emotions. It might be that you are sure the way your partner is talking to another person means that he or she will betray you. Or it could be you feel eaten up inside because you just can’t seem to “compete” with a friend, co-worker, family member or another who is so much more _________ than you are. (You can fill in the blank.)

We encourage you to give your jealous habit the “love cure.” When it comes to jealousy, there are almost always feelings of fear and lack underneath. Perhaps you are fearful that you will be abandoned or betrayed and so you see the potential for just that everywhere you look, especially in the actions and words of your partner. Instead, or additionally, you might feel lack-- like you are and never will be good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, etc. You project those lack feelings outward and see just about everyone as far better than you. At these moments jealousy rears its head causing you even more pain and upsetting your relationships as well.

Jealousy might feel like a gaping hole within you that is the lack and fear. This hole may even seem bottomless. When you see the beauty of your cousin, the financial success of your neighbor or the intelligence of a friend, jealousy comes in with a false promise to fill that hole. “If only I was as ______ as he or she is” might be the words echoing through you.

You may even rely on your partner to fill your lack and fear hole thinking that might stop your jealousy habit. We’re here to remind you that no matter how much your partner wants to make you feel better, when it comes to your jealousy he or she can’t. You are the only one who can do this.

We’ve heard about and many of us live the following scenario: a man and a woman are getting ready to go out. She comes out all dressed up, turns around for the man and asks, “Do I look fat in this outfit?” This is for sure a catch-22 for them both! He can answer that she looks beautiful (and he probably really means it) and she will think he’s just saying that because he has to. Or, he might comment that another dress would be more flattering and, of course, she would feel crushed and that her body is the size of an elephant!

Whether it’s a man or a woman who walks around with a hole of fear and lack within, a partner cannot take that hole away. In the classic scenario, when the couple goes out, no matter what outfit the woman decided to wear, if she feels lacking in terms of her beauty, she will undoubtedly experience jealousy when comparing herself to other women.

The only way to stop a jealousy habit and really fill in that hole of lack and fear is to do it yourself. Fill yourself with love.

Grow and nurture love for yourselfIf the idea of self-love seems too big or makes you feel uncomfortable, start out small. A hole in your yard is most often filled one shovelful at a time. What can you do each day to give yourself at least one shovelful of love? It might be that you slow down and take a relaxing bath reading a book you’ve been meaning to get to. Or, you might start to notice all of things you do well. Perhaps there are things about yourself that you take for granted but they’re really wonderful!

Allow that love to expandAs you give yourself shoveful after shovelful of love, you will probably find that hole of lack and fear getting smaller. As this happens, your self-love can expand. Those areas where you feel most uncomfortable can also be bathed in love. This may take a conscious effort on your part. For example, if you think you are physically ugly or fat, you might choose not to ask your partner how he or she thinks you look. Instead, take a deep breath and look at yourself in the mirror. Yes, there may be parts of your body that you’d like to change, but there might also be parts that you think look ok—even great! When you go out, if your mind begins to start playing the comparing game (where you ultimately lose and then feel jealous), stop yourself and turn your attention elsewhere.

Stopping the jealousy habit takes practice and intention. It also takes addressing lack or fear feelings that tend to fuel jealousy. As you get better and better at loving yourself, you will probably find it easier to receive the love and connection that your partner offers you. Because, when it comes down to it, all you really need is love.

If you are the jealous person in the relationship or if you are with a person whose jealousy is driving you crazy, get a free jealousy courses.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 03:56 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

A woman who bought our newly released "Stop Talking on Eggshells" package wrote to us and asked a question that we're sure many women (and men) are dealing with-

She said that her husband was good looking, funny and women especially liked him. She thought that they were flirting with him but has noticed that he is actually flirting with them by winking at them! His actions hurt her and she feels like he would rather be with them instead of her. She wanted to know whether she should ignore it or not.

Here's what we told her...

Start working on going through the "Stop Talking on Eggshells" material--the guidebook and audios. Be sure to answer the questions and practice the strategies we give you. All this material--if you practice it--will help
you in your situation. I don't know if your husband will stop flirting with other women but I do know that it will help you to feel better about yourself and know what you want.

If you were our coaching client, there are many things that we could work on and go deeper--but right now, we would advise you, along with working on the eggshells material, to decide what you want in your marriage and start moving toward that. It looks like your marriage needs some attention right now.

Instead of focusing on his flirting, begin focusing on what YOU want in your marriage--not what you don't want.
Instead of complaining about his flirting, how can the two of you become closer? Do you want to go out to dinner with him every week--just the two of you? Do you want to spend time every night with him? Ask for that--not as a complaint but from the idea that you want to be with him. Look at how you can strengthen your marriage from the inside and see where that takes you.

If he doesn't respond to your openness (read the section in the guidebook on opening first) and if he doesn't seem to want to get closer to you--or get the help of a coach or therapist, then you have to decide how
important closeness and connection is to you.You have to decide whether to stay in your marriage the way it currently is.

It's been said that jealousy is seeing someone else get what you want--so shift gears and quit looking outside at others and look at what's inside your marriage and go for what you want.

We're not saying that you have to put up with or ignore behavior that doesn't respect you. If he continues and doesn't want to change, you have to decide if this is how you want to be treated. But first, put some energy in revitalizing your love and marriage.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 12:12 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Here's a surprising confession and a FREE gift...

As you may know, we're getting ready to release our newest relationship course and program called "Stop Talking On Eggshells" to the public this Tuesday, May 20th at 12 noon Eastern.

The program includes a big thick manual and 6 audios, all created specifically to give you a step by step plan for communicating openly, honestly and authentically with your partner or spouse in ways that help you reconnect and create the kind of relationship you really want.

We have a confession to make that relates to the free gift we want to give you...

We consider ourselves fairly open and progressive in our thinking and yet there was something we almost left out of the "Stop Talking on Eggshells" manual.

We were going to leave it out because we thought it might be perceived as....

~ too edgy
~ too over the top
~ too negative
~ too in your face
~ too honest
~ too truthful

AND

Frankly-- we worried that this info could possibly give you the WRONG idea about our message and intentions in the "Stop Talking On Eggshells" course and program.

Not only have we decided to go against our editor's advice and include this chapter and info in the manual but also...

.... we have decided to give you this info right now, before the program get's released to the public next week.

Consider it a gift from your friends (us).

The chapter that almost didn't make it into the course is called...

"What do you do when your partner or spouse isn't changing or growing and you want more?"

And here it is... (Be sure to leave your comments about it. We'd love to hear them.)

What happens if you want to make changes in your relationship and your partner doesn't?

You are committed to making changes that you want in yourself and in your relationship but your partner doesn’t seem to be interested or is even antagonistic. Your partner might even be agreeing to be open to creating better communication with you but then doesn’t follow through—or your partner might simply be ignoring all of your requests.

You’ve tried everything but nothing’s worked.

What do you do then?

Here’s what a couple of people wrote to us about this kind of problem…

“What do you do about a partner who says they will do something (like communicate) and then puts out no effort? At what point do the actions speak louder than the words?”

“What do you do when your husband cheats for the second time in a 21 year marriage? He will not answer any questions about the affair and I’m not even sure that it’s over.”

“What do you do when you have goals, dreams and things you want to have, do or be in your life and your partner seems totally uninterested and says they are happy with the ways things are. I feel like I’m just dying inside here?”

Good questions.

If you are in a situation where you have tried to change or have changed but your partner refuses to even meet you halfway, here are some suggestions and questions for you to consider…

1. Open to your emotional truth--your own as well as your partner’s truth.

There might be some feelings (or facts) that you've been pushing down and not willing to face. Although this can seem like an oxymoron at the time, taking a look at what is real for you and allowing the other person to tell what is real for him or her can certainly lead to connection and to an understanding. Or at the very worst, it can lead to some honest decisions that need to be made about your relationship.

What is it that you know in your heart about your situation in this moment?

If your partner is willing to tell you, what is his or her emotional truth about your relationship?

2.Take a good look at “what is.”

If you are truly doing your work around your communication issues—you are making requests, listening and trying to create agreements around what you both want—but your partner is not showing you any signs of wanting to grow and change, at some point, you’ll need to take a good look at what is.

“What is” means what can not be refuted and what a third person would see if he or she looked at your relationship or situation.

Looking at "what is" can help you evaluate your situation and determine your next step.

"What is" in your situation?

3. Look for evidence that your partner is showing some willingness to open and change.

You’ll need to look for any evidence that your partner wants what you want or even if there’s enough of an overlap between what you and what he or she wants—and a willingness to move toward it.
If you see some evidence but there doesn’t seem to be a whole lot of movement, we suggest that both of you might consider coaching or counseling to help unlock the blocks.

What evidence do you see, if any, that your relationship may have a chance to move in the direction that you would like?

4. Make the choice to focus on what you want rather than what is missing, even if it’s with others in your life.
For instance, if you are feeling frustrated with your partner or relationship and you just can't seem to connect with that person, begin to notice connections that you make with other people in your life.

These connections can be a smile, making eye contact, or even a kind word with someone you meet. Notice what feels good about these connections with others and then start making more connections so that you begin to focus on what you want more of rather than what you don't want.

You might even create connections doing something that once brought you pleasure—like taking singing or dancing lessons, joining a book club—that you no longer do.

This certainly doesn’t mean that you ignore what’s happening with your partner (and it certainly doesn’t mean having an affair with someone else) but rather while you are sorting it all out, you are actually moving toward more connection in your life.

If your partner seems unwilling to move toward you in your relationship, how can you create more of what you want with other people in your life?

5. What’s a deal breaker for you?

If your partner is happy with the way things are and doesn’t want to change and you want more, then look at what’s a deal breaker for you, without making him or her wrong.

Even if your partner has destructive habits or has continual affairs and won’t stop, he or she may choose to keep doing what he or she has been doing. And you have to decide if you want to continue living like you have been living.

If you want more and it’s clear that your partner wants things to stay as they are, you have to decide what’s your deal breaker. In other words, what's most important to you and your bottom line?

Is it that you and your partner have to go to therapy? Is it that your partner stops having affairs? Is it that your partner stops drinking or taking drugs? Is it that your partner starts showing you more love and affection?

What’s so important to you that you have to have it in your life to keep on living—or are you willing to live as you have been?

If your partner is not taking any steps to make any changes, what could be a deal breaker for you concerning leaving or staying in your relationship? Is he or she willing to get help or does he or she think everything is just fine the way it is?

How important to you are the changes that you want in your life and in your relationship? What is the thing that you are no longer willing to put up with or tolerate in your relationship any more—and do you want that so much that you might possibly leave the relationship?

Those are all questions for you to consider if you consider your next steps.

We are in no way recommending leaving a relationship (unless there’s abuse) until both people have truly explored, possibly with the help of a third party, if they can learn to come together in a way that’s good for both of them. The fact is that sometimes this isn’t possible.

Sometimes two people want such different things out of a relationship and life that staying together means that neither person is growing and gets the love, passion, connection, and companionship that he or she wants.
Sometimes, it’s more painful to stay in a relationship than it is to leave. You might really care about your partner and even love him or her but you are no longer wanting to explore being with this person.

We have a process called Should You Stay or Should You Go? to help you determine what’s the best course of action for you if you are considering leaving. For some couples, separating could be for the highest good of both of them and for other couples, their best course is to find out where their wants and desires intersect and move toward that point.

6. Before you give up on your relationship, get help.

One of the things we’ve noticed about relationships that end is the fact that some people stay in relationships way too long and other people leave way too early—before they’ve truly been able to say they’ve done everything they could to rebuild their relationship or marriage.

If you don’t see any evidence and you truly value the relationship and your partner’s love, let him or her know how much pain you are in and also the pain that both of you could feel if the two of you don’t explore new ways of being together.

You might suggest working with a coach or a therapist to help the two of you discover what you each want in the relationship and if it’s possible to have it together--if that isn't clear already.

Whether the two of you choose to open to each other or not will be one of the single biggest factors if you stay together and reconnect or go your separate ways. It all depends on what you want for your life experience and your willingness to open to what you want.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 04:14 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

Have you ever run into this problem?

Your partner, spouse or someone you love does something unexpected, not what you thought you agreed on, and when you get very angry about it, the other person gets defensive and lashes back at you--and you get no where on understanding each other.

Well this is sure a normal communication problem between couples! And we're betting that you'd like what we call a relationship reverse to create a different and better outcome.

Here's Elizabeth's story about how she did it differently and created more love in her marriage...

At the last minute, Elizabeth's husband went to a meeting and didn't tell her about it. She had been at work all day and had expected that the two of them would go out to dinner together. When she got home, he wasn't there--and he didn't come home for another two hours.

Elizabeth was furious and it certainly wasn't the first time it had happened!

When he "forgot" about a dinner date in the past, she literally pounced on him as soon as he stepped in the door. She let him know that she was angry and he immediately became defensive and shut down to her, walking into his study and slamming the door. It would take them several days to iron out their differences and get close again.

This time Elizabeth decided to do it differently. She did a "Relationship Reverse" and she decided to meet him in a loving way. It had to be genuine so she had to tell herself that she really loved him and getting mad at him wasn't getting her what she wanted, so she'd try another way.

When he got home, she was friendly and because she wasn't yelling at him, he told her he was sorry that a meeting came up that he couldn't miss. He briefly talked about the meeting and then Elizabeth told him that she would have loved to have known about this earlier--maybe a phone call or text message--and then she told him why. She told him that she worried when he didn't come home when he planned to come home and she also would like to know when this happens again so that she can make other dinner plans.

This interaction was completely different from any previous to this. Elizabeth could say what she needed to say and her husband stayed open to her and understood her because he wasn't shut down. They could stay connected and work out a problem without the normal anguish between them.

How about you?

Can you make a relationship reverse in order to set the stage to be heard, understood and create connection between the two of you?

If you can relate to Elizabeth or even her husband, try a relationship reverse and see how your relationship changes for the better!

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 03:23 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Spring is really here where we live in Ohio! This is a photo of some of the colors that surround our new home. And what's really ironic is that Susie thought she was leaving the beauty of flowering trees when we moved from our previous home.

She thought that because she was moving to a large city and leaving our wooded lot in our small town, she would have to give up seeing nature's beauty in the way she had enjoyed for over 30 years.

Not so!

What she had mourned leaving was actually even more beautiful in our new location--and she learned a valuable lesson about trust.

She learned that beauty can be anywhere and she doesn't have to hold onto it to be able to enjoy it. When she let go of her grief of leaving and started looking forward to enjoying her new home and surroundings, she realized the true gifts she had stepped into. But she had to let go and allow herself to look forward to what she wanted.

What does this have to do with you and your relationships?

Most of us cling to what we have or what we had in the past and don't want to let go enough or make any changes that could make our relationships even greater. We want to stay safe in "what is" and don't want to reach for something more.

Just like Susie, you can reach for greater love and happiness in your relationships--and actually find it. You can take a step toward what you want and not cling to what was.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 10:35 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)