Communication With Your Partner: Change Your Story
We all have stories running in our minds all of the time and these stories can certainly separate us from the ones we love!
Here's what Jill and George told us about their communication challenge and some ways that they created the closer, more loving relationship that they wanted...
Jill and her husband George seemed to connect fairly well most of the time and communication wasn’t a problem but every now and then, when they were both tired, had a bad day at work or the kids were particularly cranky—their communication fell apart and they couldn’t seem to say anything right to one another.
They decided what they wanted instead, questioned their stories, made a new intention and they ran a different story in their minds.
At those stressful times, Jill complained to herself that all of the housework and care of the kids was on her shoulders—as well as doing her paid job. Her story was that George never helped and she was angry with him.
George's story was that Jill complained all of the time. He told himself that he worked hard all day, he was tired and didn’t feel like doing any “home” chores. His story was that Jill would take care of anything that needed to be done at night at home because she didn’t work as hard as he did.
The two of them obviously locked horns over this many times and it was hurting their marriage until they found a way to look at their situation and the stories they were telling themselves differently.
When Jill looked at what she wanted, she discovered that she wanted to feel like George was her partner in taking care of the kids and doing the housework. She questioned her “story” about him and she remembered that yes, he did help. He had given the kids their baths and put them to bed the night before. He had even taken out the garbage without being asked last week. She realized that her story that George “never” helped wasn’t true.
Her new intention was that she would acknowledge, even to herself, when her husband did do his share of the work around the house and with the kids. Also, her new intention was to ask for the help she needed in a way that didn’t push him away. Her new story that she chose to run in her head was that they were both tired and they could work out the “home” chores together in a way that was a win/win for both of them.
When George questioned his story about Jill, he realized that he really couldn’t be sure that he worked harder outside their home than she did and that she wasn’t any less tired than he was.
He wanted to keep his connection with Jill and wanted to feel like her partner. His new intention was to be more co-operative and open when she asked for his help. His new story or new movie he began running in his head was similar to Jill’s. During the times when they were equally tired, they could figure out together how to get the “home” chores done and also relax.
What a powerful way to make very big changes in your relationship by simply being willing to look at your situation and the other person a little differently and change your thoughts and stories to what you want rather than what you don't want.
