Overcoming Jealousy and Playboy Magazine
Here's a question about jealousy that we are certain that many people face in one form or another...
"I'm the jealous one, and my partner of 3 years is trying to help, but has lost patience with me. I continue to be bothered & hurt by his subscription to Playboy. He thinks I'm overly sensitive and taking it too personally. Do you have any thoughts on how I can overcome that side of my jealousy?"
Whether it's a subscription to Playboy, looking at photos on the internet, or glancing at a beautiful person on television or in the grocery store --the person dealing with their jealousy issues feels as this woman feels--hurt, bothered, angry, upset and a myriad of other feelings wrapped into one bundle.
So here's our advice to this woman and it can be helpful to you if you are in a similar situation...
1. Determine the problem you are dealing with.
Is this an infidelity issue or not? Because this woman's partner is looking at women in a magazine, we're assuming that he is not being unfaithful to her. If he were being unfaithful to her, it would require her to take different steps to heal her situation and her jealousy like finding out what she wants, setting boundaries and making agreements.
When the jealousy problem is in part caused by the other person looking at others and spending time in an activity that feels threatening, there's usually no infidelity (unless connections are made with "real" people).
2. What do you want that you perceive that someone or something else is getting?
We've discovered that when we get down to what the jealous person wants in situations like these, it's the attention that he or she isn't getting from their partner. And attention translates into love.
Here's the phrase we've heard...
"I want him (or her) to look at me the way he looks at that woman." Even though it isn't said, at the bottom of this statement is the need to be loved in a way that's different from how they are currently being loved.
So take a few moments with pen and paper and write down what you want--and be clear about it.
"I want to spend time talking together and connecting each day."
"I want to be held and kissed."
"I want to laugh together."
3. Approach your partner with a request for what you want instead of what you don't want.
The Playboy magazine will fade into the background and not become important when you feel like you are getting more of what you want and when you ask specifically for what you want in a way that keeps the dialog open between you.
You might say something like this...
“It may not have been your intention but I’m noticing that we don’t seem to be spending much time together and I have been feeling alone and sad. I would like to spend more time and connect with you and I’m wondering if we could start doing something like eating together without the television on—just talking together and enjoying each other like we used to do."
4. Listen to what he or she says without defending.
We know that this takes practice but it's a practice that's well worth doing! Just listen and try to understand from his or her point of view. We're not talking about the Playboy magazine here--we're talking about how the two of you connect together. Commit to staying open, don't bring up the Playboy magazine and stay with moving toward what you want.
5. Notice how you might have contributed to your situation.
This isn't to place blame on you but rather to see the situation from another's eyes. Your partner might say that he (or she) feels like you are being too critical of him and that he can't do anything right. You may need to say something like "Oh I can see how you got that idea but I didn't mean it that way. I'm sorry if I have hurt you."
This woman who asked the question might listen to her partner and pick up clues how she could be more open and radiant--again, don't blame yourself, simply listen for how she might open in ways that would please her as well as him.
You may feel like you have nothing to apologize about--and that may be true--but we've discovered that it usually takes two people to create any situation and looking for the contribution of each person is a healthy way to move toward reconnection.
6. If need be, create some agreements around connection or whatever else you both want.
Create some ways that both of you can begin getting more of what you want in your relationship without one person feeling that the other is constantly looking outside to fill a need. How can both of you get your needs filled in the relationship? This doesn't mean that every need has to be filled by the other person. It does mean that you identify some ways that you want your relationship to change and grow.
In this woman's case, it may be that he still wants to subscribe to Playboy magazine--and that might be part of an agreement. If she sees that he is moving towards her, loving her more, and giving her more attention as she eases away from focusing on his desire to look at the magazine, she gets what she wants.
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