You'd have to be from another planet not to be aware of New York Governor Eliot Spitzer's infidelity.

His wife, Silda Spitzer, stood by him as he resigned yesterday from his position and if you saw photos of her, you saw how much agony she was in.

Her agony, although more public than a lot of people's, was not unlike what many, many wifes (and husbands) go through each day. They didn't see it coming...but did they?

In coaching woman who have discovered that their husbands have or are having affairs usually about jealousy issues, what stands out most is that they usually will admit that somewhere inside themselves they knew they were being cheated on and for whatever reason, they didn't want to confront it.

Is a woman (or man) wrong for not confronting a spouse's affair?

Of course not, if that's how you want to live your life.

But if you want a marriage that is connected, alive and growing--and you suspect your husband (or wife) is having an affair or not fully in your marriage, you'll want to find out what's going on.

Instead of accusing your spouse of having an affair, we suggest that you approach the situation by talking about wanting to renew your marriage and your connection--maybe rekindle your relationship like it used to be. If there are deep chasms in your marriage, you might suggest counseling as a way to renew your marraige.

If you use this line of approach, it will become clear whether your husband (or wife) wants to have a closer, more connected relationship with you or not--and it will become clear if he or she is involved with someone else.

If the evidence is so obvious that your husband (or wife) is having an affair--like secretive private phone calls, unexplained long hours at work (which you know isn't true) or the tell-tale lip-stick on the collar--then of course, confront him/her with your evidence or suspicions.

If you are jealous and not sure that your husband (or wife) is actually having an affair, then start with yourself first. Decide what you'd like for your relationship and then ask your partner if he/she would like to work toward that goal.

Don't throw out your marriage because of infidelity unless your partner has no interest in stopping and also no interest in making your marriage better. Also, don't stand for repeated infidelity. Learn your lesson and stand up for what you want--and what you don't want.