Love and Relationship Advice Blog

Last week we took a much-needed vacation, visiting friends in Folly Beach, South Carolina. Apparently, a lot of other people had the same idea to vacation that week because on the way home, I-77 north was a parking lot in several areas.

A couple of hours later when we were finally free of the traffic jam, we looked around for a logical reason that forced all of us to merge to one lane, but there wasn't any. There were no workers and no road construction was happening because it was Saturday. We had all merged and waited in a line for nothing.

As we thought about our long delay, it dawned on us that this is what we all do in our relationships from time to time. We put up blocks to each other that restrict our happiness--for absolutely no good reason!

The biggest culprit is our thoughts.

We assign meaning to what someone else says without asking for clarification. We assume that we know their intentions but since we are all so different, we can't really know for sure.

Even if you've lived with a person for years, there's usually a lot of assuming that goes on and putting each other in "boxes."

These "boxes" keep us from communicating and actually keep misunderstandings going.

Have you ever put someone in one of these boxes?

--the "spender" box
--the "miser" box
--the "you're smarter than I am" box
--the "irresponsible" box
--the "do it all" box
--the "pretty one" box
--the "talented one" box
--the "ding bat" box

The list could go on and on..but you probably get the idea.

When we find that the two of us have put each other in some sort of "box," we see it and open to listening to each other without preconceived ideas.

Believe it or not, "boxes" and preconceived ideas separate you from the important people in your life. If you want to create more love and joy in your life and your relationships, stop yourself when you begin to interact from that place of knowing what the other person is thinking or doing.

Simply stop and listen with your heart to the other.

If you do, you won't be putting up resistance and blocks to a great relationship.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 09:21 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Here's a question about jealousy that we are certain that many people face in one form or another...

"I'm the jealous one, and my partner of 3 years is trying to help, but has lost patience with me. I continue to be bothered & hurt by his subscription to Playboy. He thinks I'm overly sensitive and taking it too personally. Do you have any thoughts on how I can overcome that side of my jealousy?"

Whether it's a subscription to Playboy, looking at photos on the internet, or glancing at a beautiful person on television or in the grocery store --the person dealing with their jealousy issues feels as this woman feels--hurt, bothered, angry, upset and a myriad of other feelings wrapped into one bundle.

So here's our advice to this woman and it can be helpful to you if you are in a similar situation...

1. Determine the problem you are dealing with.

Is this an infidelity issue or not? Because this woman's partner is looking at women in a magazine, we're assuming that he is not being unfaithful to her. If he were being unfaithful to her, it would require her to take different steps to heal her situation and her jealousy like finding out what she wants, setting boundaries and making agreements.

When the jealousy problem is in part caused by the other person looking at others and spending time in an activity that feels threatening, there's usually no infidelity (unless connections are made with "real" people).

2. What do you want that you perceive that someone or something else is getting?

We've discovered that when we get down to what the jealous person wants in situations like these, it's the attention that he or she isn't getting from their partner. And attention translates into love.

Here's the phrase we've heard...

"I want him (or her) to look at me the way he looks at that woman." Even though it isn't said, at the bottom of this statement is the need to be loved in a way that's different from how they are currently being loved.

So take a few moments with pen and paper and write down what you want--and be clear about it.

"I want to spend time talking together and connecting each day."
"I want to be held and kissed."
"I want to laugh together."

3. Approach your partner with a request for what you want instead of what you don't want.

The Playboy magazine will fade into the background and not become important when you feel like you are getting more of what you want and when you ask specifically for what you want in a way that keeps the dialog open between you.

You might say something like this...

“It may not have been your intention but I’m noticing that we don’t seem to be spending much time together and I have been feeling alone and sad. I would like to spend more time and connect with you and I’m wondering if we could start doing something like eating together without the television on—just talking together and enjoying each other like we used to do."

4. Listen to what he or she says without defending.

We know that this takes practice but it's a practice that's well worth doing! Just listen and try to understand from his or her point of view. We're not talking about the Playboy magazine here--we're talking about how the two of you connect together. Commit to staying open, don't bring up the Playboy magazine and stay with moving toward what you want.

5. Notice how you might have contributed to your situation.

This isn't to place blame on you but rather to see the situation from another's eyes. Your partner might say that he (or she) feels like you are being too critical of him and that he can't do anything right. You may need to say something like "Oh I can see how you got that idea but I didn't mean it that way. I'm sorry if I have hurt you."

This woman who asked the question might listen to her partner and pick up clues how she could be more open and radiant--again, don't blame yourself, simply listen for how she might open in ways that would please her as well as him.

You may feel like you have nothing to apologize about--and that may be true--but we've discovered that it usually takes two people to create any situation and looking for the contribution of each person is a healthy way to move toward reconnection.

6. If need be, create some agreements around connection or whatever else you both want.

Create some ways that both of you can begin getting more of what you want in your relationship without one person feeling that the other is constantly looking outside to fill a need. How can both of you get your needs filled in the relationship? This doesn't mean that every need has to be filled by the other person. It does mean that you identify some ways that you want your relationship to change and grow.

In this woman's case, it may be that he still wants to subscribe to Playboy magazine--and that might be part of an agreement. If she sees that he is moving towards her, loving her more, and giving her more attention as she eases away from focusing on his desire to look at the magazine, she gets what she wants.

For a deeper understanding of how to overcome jealousy, sign up for a free mini course.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 03:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

You'd have to be from another planet not to be aware of New York Governor Eliot Spitzer's infidelity.

His wife, Silda Spitzer, stood by him as he resigned yesterday from his position and if you saw photos of her, you saw how much agony she was in.

Her agony, although more public than a lot of people's, was not unlike what many, many wifes (and husbands) go through each day. They didn't see it coming...but did they?

In coaching woman who have discovered that their husbands have or are having affairs usually about jealousy issues, what stands out most is that they usually will admit that somewhere inside themselves they knew they were being cheated on and for whatever reason, they didn't want to confront it.

Is a woman (or man) wrong for not confronting a spouse's affair?

Of course not, if that's how you want to live your life.

But if you want a marriage that is connected, alive and growing--and you suspect your husband (or wife) is having an affair or not fully in your marriage, you'll want to find out what's going on.

Instead of accusing your spouse of having an affair, we suggest that you approach the situation by talking about wanting to renew your marriage and your connection--maybe rekindle your relationship like it used to be. If there are deep chasms in your marriage, you might suggest counseling as a way to renew your marraige.

If you use this line of approach, it will become clear whether your husband (or wife) wants to have a closer, more connected relationship with you or not--and it will become clear if he or she is involved with someone else.

If the evidence is so obvious that your husband (or wife) is having an affair--like secretive private phone calls, unexplained long hours at work (which you know isn't true) or the tell-tale lip-stick on the collar--then of course, confront him/her with your evidence or suspicions.

If you are jealous and not sure that your husband (or wife) is actually having an affair, then start with yourself first. Decide what you'd like for your relationship and then ask your partner if he/she would like to work toward that goal.

Don't throw out your marriage because of infidelity unless your partner has no interest in stopping and also no interest in making your marriage better. Also, don't stand for repeated infidelity. Learn your lesson and stand up for what you want--and what you don't want.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Recently, we had another opportunity to "dog-sit" with our favorite yellow Labrador retriever, Nutmeg.

While we certainly don't want a dog full-time, we had a great time with her and re-learned some valuable relationship lessons as well.

Here are a few reminders of how to create great relationships and lives from Nutmeg that we thought we'd share with you...

1. Make yourself at home wherever you are.

Since we moved a few months ago to another city, Nutmeg had never been to our new home. After her owners dropped her off on their way to the airport, she quickly found a comfy couch and settled in for a nap.

Wherever you find yourself, make the best of your situation.

Our suggestion that you should "make yourself at home wherever you are" doesn't imply that you should start walking into the homes of total strangers unannounced.

It does beg the question of How can you make yourself feel more at ease wherever you are? (Everything's a choice remember)

2. There are no strangers.

Nutmeg is such a friendly dog that she was excited to see anyone who came to visit us during her stay. Even our mailman petted her and told us what a great dog she was.

How would our lives be different if we treated strangers as friends? What would happen if we actually looked at people who we meet throughout the day?

3. If things don't go the way you plan, find another way.

We had several friends at our home one evening during Nutmeg's stay and when it got to be 11:30 at night, it was obvious that it was Nutmeg's normal bedtime.

The only problem was--we were sitting in her "bedroom" which also happened to be our living room and sitting on her bed which also happened to be the couch.

Nutmeg did look at one woman in the hopes that she would get the idea that she was sitting in "her" spot. But
when our friend didn't move, Nutmeg found another spot on the floor to fall asleep.

Our lives don't always go the way we want them to go or think they should go. What would happen if we simply
find another way to either get what we want or maybe something entirely different--that might take us in a new
and wonderful direction?

4. Stop and smell the roses.

Nutmeg liked her morning walks--and we did too. We found that we couldn't be in a hurry though because she
liked to stop and sniff.

Many of us are in a hurry from morning to night. What would happen if we took some time to enjoy what's in front of us instead of rushing off to another thing? When have you enjoyed looking at the sky, a baby's smile, a child's exuberance, your partner's face, and anything else that is the miracle of life?

5. Have fun.

Nutmeg loves to play ball! At different times during each day that Nutmeg was with us, she would get her tennis ball and urge us to play ball with her. It was so much fun to watch her run and catch the ball, then bringing it back to us. Her enthusiasm was catching.

Playing can take on so many different meanings or ideas. When was the last \time you invited someone to play with you? When was the last time you laughed and played with someone?

6. Rest often.

Nutmeg played hard and then she came in and rested. She took frequent naps throughout the day.

Are you getting enough rest for your body and your soul? Do you need to take frequent breaks throughout the
day to recharge?

Sometimes we even need to take breaks from what's going on in our relationships. Sometimes, we just
need a quick "time-out" from the drama to really look at different things that are pressing or important
to us.

7. Connect deeply with others.

If there's anything that Nutmeg knows how to do, it's connect deeply with those around her. She not only acted
as if everyone was her best friend but she used physical touch to show her affection. She might lay close to you or put her head on your leg or a paw on your foot.

She looked in your eyes when you talked to her or when she wanted something.

How do you connect with the people in your life? Are you truly present with them? Do you show your affection?

8. Don't look back.

It's the same thing every time Nutmeg leaves when she's stayed with us for any length of time...she doesn't look
back. She's on to the next adventure.

How many of us get stuck in the past? How many of us cling to how things used to be instead of looking to what
we want for our future?

This week, we invite you to remember Nutmeg's lessons with a smile and add more love in your life.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 11:39 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)