Love and Relationship Advice Blog

We just saw U2 3D film and we very impacted by this concert. Bono's message of peace pervaded the entire film and along with the dynamic music and talented musicians, this was quite an experience.

The message was clear in this film--Coexist even though we are all different.

We say that this is great relationship advice, no matter what kind of relationship it is!

Here's our take on loving through differences...

The truth of it is that we are all different. Even when we think we've discovered our soul mate, after awhile it turns out that there are differences--and those differences tend to irritate us!

Believe it or not, those differences are what put spice into our lives and cause us to expand (if we are open to it) and grow beyond what we ever thought possible.

So before you start putting someone else down because of the ways they do things that are different from what we believe and do--stop yourself and ask if there is something that you can learn from that person.

It's so powerful to open yourself to understanding a situation from another person's point of view. That doesn't mean that you have to abandon your beliefs but it does mean that you stop judgments and listen to understand.

Bono wrote about religions and governments co-existing for peace and we say that we need to start with ourselves, in our daily lives.

Stop yourself every time you start to criticize some one else and if you have questions about what they are doing, ask to understand their motivations behind their actions.

Just start where you are and remember that love is far more powerful than hate.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 09:57 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Last night we caught up with Anderson Cooper's 360 CNN program after the Democrate candidate debate. If you saw the debate and want to weigh in on Clinton's and Obama's performances or just to see how other people viewed the debate, you can visit Cooper's blog.

What did we take away from the debate?

As we watched Cooper's panel of commentators, one thing was clear. They were all pointing to Clinton's lack of connecting with the audience, except for her very powerful ending statement. These commentators called the debate a draw but spoke of the importance of the candidate's ability to connect with the public. And without that connection, a perfectly sound candidate with great experience may not make the grade with voters and may not be chosen by them.

So what does this idea of connection or lack of connection have to do with you and your relationships?

Everything.

We all want connection and some of us are better at doing it than others. Some of us try to get connection in ways that don't really work and some of us simply don't know how to go about doing it.

Your ability to connect with others can make or break your success at work, in your marriage or intimate relationship, in your friendships, your family relationships. It can impact how you view your life--whether you think you are happy or not.

Let's take Hillary, for example.

One of Cooper's panel members had worked for Senator Clinton for many years and said that ever now and then during these debates and speeches throughout the country, Hillary did show a side of her that did connect with audiences as she did at the end of this debate.

So like Senator Clinton, some of us are able to connect with others some of the time but not others. It may not be as often as we might like. We might come across as superior, or stand-offish when that is really not what's going on inside us at all.

How do you begin to connect if you find that you aren't doing a very good job of it?

Here are a few ideas...

1. Make eye contact. How many of us go through our lives not making eye contact because we're too busy or some other excuse? It might also be that it's actually frightening to us to look someone else in the eyes. If this is your problem, just start practicing opening to someone else in this way.

2. Share what is important to you. If you don't share what has meaning and importance to you, the other person will not know who you truly are. This doesn't mean that you have to share your secrets, but it does mean that you have to courage to share what has meaning to you.

3. If you begin to get defensive and find yourself in "fight" mode, pull your attention into your body and find out more about what the other person is telling you. Then say what is true for you without defense.

4. Have it as your intention to connect instead of persuade or any other agenda you may have. When you have this intention to connect, believe it or not, it carries over to the other person and that's what you both move toward--connection.

5. Let the real "you"--who you are at your core--shine through as you go through your day.

Now, if we were Hillary's advisers, we might urge her to adopt some of these ways of being--although she certainly is making eye contact with us and sharing what is important to her.

For you, take this opportunity to connect a little more with the people in your life and see how your life
changes for the better.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 02:30 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

We're in the process of writing a new book on communication in relationships and how to improve it -- and we need your help.

We're looking for real life, practical stories and information to include in our new book from people (or couples) like you about a specific time when you felt that communication was good and you really felt connected to your partner or spouse.

With this in mind, we want you to click on the web page link below and tell us briefly what it feels like in your relationship and life when you really communicate well and truly connect deeply.

While we can't pay you for the information you share, we are willing to give you instant access to download
a 36 minute audio we created recently called "Relationship Breakthrough Ideas" as our way of saying "thanks"
for what you share.

This offer is good through Friday, March 7, 2008.

In addition to the audio we're giving you, you can know that what you share will be used to help us help other people improve communication and connection in their relationship or marriage.

Our goal in being able to share your information is to give examples and illustrations of what is possible when you communicate well and truly connect with each other.

Here's the web page link where we want you to share your answers to our questions about your current ( or past) relationship or marriage...

http://www.PassionateHeart.com/YourStory

Thanks in advance for sharing your information

Warmest Regards,

Susie and Otto Collins

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 12:51 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Here's a question from a woman that many people are living with...

"How do you know WHEN the absolute right thing to do is to leave a relationship/marriage (with problems) or WHEN to say "Hmmm. I need to work on myself and allow him/her to work on him/herself" (while you remain in the relationship together)?

This is a tough one.

So when is the RIGHT time to leave or decide to stay in it and keep working at it?

The short answer is this...

Unless there's physical or emotional abuse in the relationship and you are endangering your life if you stay, we always suggest that you take some time to discover what you both want in your relationship and if it's possible for you to have that in this relationship.

You may need the help of a therapist or coach to help you sort it all out--whatever support you need, get it. That means both of you need to discover how you've been separating from each other and take responsibility for going for what you want, letting down the walls you've both built.

With that being said, when do you say WHEN if your relaitonship isn't moving toward what you want?

If both of you are truly working on yourselves, part of that "work" should be honesty. And when both of you begin being honest with each other, the truth of when or if to part will become apparent.

If this truth isn't happening between you and one of you wants a different kind of relationship and life than he/she is currently living, the decision becomes obvious when the pain of not living the life you want becomes more than the pain of separating.

It all depends on what you want for your life. While we certainly never suggest people rush into separating before they thoroughly explore the possibilities of their relationship, it's also possible to stay way beyond after the relationship should be dissolved for the growth of both people.

If each of you are moving toward what you both want in your relationship, hang in there and keep opening to each other and acting from who you truly are. If you are moving in different directions, there is no intersection of your wants and needs, it may be time to separate.

Feel into yourself and listen to what you honestly know inside you to be true.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 09:07 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

As we looked at the questions that over 800 people asked us in our recent survey about what's your biggest relationship question--one of themes that stood out most was this...

"How do you stay desirable for one another?"

As we talked about how we'd like to answer that question, Otto came up with a great analogy--

Staying desirable for one another in a committed relationship is like prepared packaged foods-- in a weird sort of way.

Before you laugh at us and think we're crazy, read on...

What keeps prepared foods looking and tasting fresh?

Additives and preservatives, right?

They are the long names on the packaging labels that you have no idea what they are.

Now, by using this analogy, we're certainly not encouraging you to eat foods that are filled with additives and preservatives unless that's something you choose to do.

But we are saying that if you want to stay desirable to one another or re-awaken desire, you have to keep adding things to your life and relationship that will do that. You also need to do things to preserve your connection and love on a daily basis.

Here are 10 ways that we add to our relationship to keep desirability high between us. These are
some of the ways we preserve our love. We invite you to try out a few in your relationship or if you're single, practice with the people in your life.

Here's our list...

1. A no-blame/no-criticism vow

This is a fairly recent vow we've taken to not blame or criticize each other (ever) and so far, it's working great. How does this keep up our desirability for one another? By taking and keeping this vow, we know that above all, we'll stay open to one another, no matter what, and understand each other. Believe it or not, that's a great aphrodisiac!

2. Give each other lots of positive attention

We've noticed that what many people in relationships want, including us, is to feel important to the each other.

This importance is shown by the attention that you each pay to one another. Even if you have a busy family and don't spend much time together, bring your full attention to the time you do spend together.

3. Laugh and play together

We've said this many times before, but we couldn't create a list like this and leave this idea out.

Laughing and playing together is a great way to stimulate and wake up your desirability for one another. When you feel close and connected through laughter and play, you can feel a renewed interest in each other. There can be new excitement that keeps your relationship fresh and growing.

4. Kiss and hug often--(or whatever physical way you choose to show affection

We know that everyone has a different level of desire for physical affection. Find out what you each like and then do more of it. When would you like a hug? When do you like to kiss that doesn't involve (or may) the act of love-making?

5. No game-playing or hiding--Call it if there's something between you

Honesty can be really important in keeping both of you desirable to one another. If trust is in question, desirability is one of the first things to go out the window.

6. Explore new love-making ideas

Be open to expanding your love-making repertoire so you can spice up the special time you spend together. It's important that you are both comfortable with your experimentation--and you'll need to talk about it. There are plenty of great (tasteful) resources out there to help you along if this idea appeals to you.

7. Make a "desirability" mind shift

If you've been thinking how undesirable your partner is, make the shift in your mind to something about him or her that does excite you--or even used to excite you.

Consciously train yourself to focus on what you love about your partner. Does that mean that you ignore what you don't like? No, it just means that you begin seeing your partner in a different, better light.

8. Notice what turns your mate on and what turns you on--and do more of it

We're not just talking about bedroom activities right now--but of course love-making is included in this.

What excites your partner? When does he or she show passion for life? What excites you?

Open yourself to finding out more about that (if it's healthy for you to do so) or do more of it. Begin to share with each other your excitement for life.

Just by noticing and connecting in possibly new ways, you can get a lot of information about how to stimulate desire in all areas of your relationship.

9. Make a commitment to each other that you want to move toward feeling greater desire between the two of you

One person can certainly change the dynamics in a relationship but no one can change another person unless he or she wants to make the changes.

If you both want to increase desire in your relationship, these ideas can get you started doing that.

If you're facing a one-sided situation what you want more desire and your partner doesn't seem to be interested, begin to try some of our suggestions and see what happens.

10. Relax

Many of us carry inner tension around with us and we don't even realize it. One of the most important things you can do to increase desirability may be for both of you to simply practice relaxing that inner tension.

Your inner tension may have nothing to do with your partner (or it may) but if you carry it around with you, it can certainly interfere with closeness, connection and feeling desire.

So each time you come together, as well as several times during the day, take time to check inside you and encourage yourself to relax.

We hope our ideas have given you food for thought.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 04:53 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)