1.) Let Go
We are not in any way asking you to deny how you are feeling and just put on a “happy” face. Every feeling you have is valid. Take time to acknowledge what’s coming up for you as it arises. Try to stay focused on the emotions and not on stories that tend to attach themselves to the emotions. It is clinging to the stories we tell as well as clinging to roles we assign to ourselves that keep us in reverse mode. You might find writing, drawing, or even driving out to the middle of nowhere and yelling about it helpful. Letting out your emotions is an important part of letting go.

2.) Forgive
A second aspect to letting go is forgiveness. This is a process and can be done in small steps or in one big leap. If this is difficult, start with the person that feels easiest to forgive. It might be you or it might be your ex. Remember that forgiveness is about affirming that what happened is in the past and that you don’t want to feel the hurt of the past anymore. If you are the one who was hurt, you might say that there's nothing to forgive yourself about. If you can't make the leap to forgiveness, just start with loving yourself in small ways that you may not have done lately.

3.) Allow Yourself to Dream
Get out a piece of paper and a pen. Find a comfortable spot and close your eyes. Set aside all of the “yes, buts…” and just allow yourself to dream. If there were no obstacles, what kind of life would you love to have? What means sheer bliss to you? This can include the kind of house you live in, the job you’d like, as well as the kind of love relationship you have always wanted to be part of.

If doubts, fears and feelings of unworthiness come up, mentally set them aside. You can work with those later. For just a few moments, give yourself the gift of dreaming about what you want. You don’t have to know how it could ever happen; give yourself the opportunity to form a picture of what happiness and fulfillment looks like for you. Remember that there are no “right” answers here. Your dream vision may be quite different than what you were raised to think you could or should have. That’s ok! Keep on allowing those dreams to come and, if possible, write them down.

4.) Take Action
Now take a look at your list of dreams. It could be that you don’t want to run off and become a trapeze artist right now in your life. But it’s likely there are some things that you could see happening in the not so far off future. Choose 2 or 3 things from the list and re-write them on the other side of your paper. Share these with your partner and have him/her do the same.

Take another few moments and write down what it might take for these dreams to become realities in your life. If you didn’t write anything down in the first place, or if you can’t find 2 or 3 that just feel too unlikely at this point, see if you can come up with one thing. This doesn’t have to be huge. It could be that you dream of feeling loved and cared for, pampered even. Using this example, you could come up with some actions that make you feel this way. Perhaps getting a monthly pedicure or taking time once a week to curl up with a good book or movie helps you feel cared for. Maybe it’s writing a love letter to yourself. Whatever it is you dream of, it’s likely that there are small steps available to you that will get you to where you want to be.

Once you have your list of dreams and possible actions, choose one that you will make a commitment to really carry out. Again, this can start out small. It’s up to you.

As you move through these steps to heal after an affair, we hope that you feel increasing ease and more and more happiness. Remember, you have to start with "you" before you can rebuild "us". Be gentle with yourself and stay mindful of the direction you are facing in life.

For more information about creating the relationship you've always wanted, check out our free mini-course "5 Keys to a Great Relationship"