Love and Relationship Advice Blog

Believe it or not--we just got around to seeing the film "Juno" and like a lot of you--we really enjoyed it. We liked it for many reasons--great story, great characters, good acting, humor and poignant moments. While we were watching the moving, people around us were laughing and crying--and that says a lot about why the film has been so popular.

So what relationship advice did this film show us and what can it teach us about interacting with our loved ones even in tough times?

We saw honesty in action in a very difficult situation. We saw people supporting one another from authenticity
and love--and not from the "shoulds." We saw people truly feeling into themselves for what was right for them rather than what others expected of them.

If you haven't seen the film, we're not giving anything away by saying that Juno, the main character, gets pregnant at the age of 16. For those of us who have been in the situation of a "surprise" pregnancy (at any age) can feel what Juno was feeling--as well as what her parents were going through, not to mention the confusion of her "boy friend."

As we all watched these people in the film navigate this situation, we saw understanding, love and respect for each other in a very realistic way--although Juno's maturity level seemed well beyond the typical 16 year old. She knew exactly what she wanted and those around her supported her in her decisions.

Her family didn't try to tell her how she "should" respond to the situation but rather listened to her and loved her.

What kind of world would this be if we all listened to each other and even if we didn't agree and wanted to change what happened, we offered support to those we love?

How much trust do you suppose we all would have for each other if we knew that we would be listened to and loved for who we were?

So often we want to change the other person or "what is." We want things to be different from what they are. Sometimes things happen in our lives that disrupt our normal daily activities. We have a choice how we can look at these events. We can spend a lot of time thinking "what if" or "I wish I had..."--blaming ourselves and others about what happened. Or we can open our hearts to what is and with openness support each other with love, kindness and respect.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 11:25 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

It’s not just little girls who dream of a happily-ever-after kind of love. Almost everyone wants to experience a great love relationship or marriage. The wonderful feelings that come with connection and passion are undeniable. And, once you have love like this, you want to keep it going.

An intention to experience a connected and passionate relationship might lead a person to believe that he or she has to work hard and be vigilant to make it happen. Unfortunately, this belief can cause that person to miss the wonderful moments and joy already going in the relationship. Instead, we encourage you to have fun as you allow the great relationship you’ve always wanted to unfold. You may even discover that you already have a fabulous relationship.

New Year’s resolutions was the focus of a recent editorial column in one of our local newspapers. The columnist observed how she joined the common practice of setting resolutions for herself at the beginning of each new year—particularly goals to eat healthier, exercise more and lose weight. She went on to say that at the end of the year she regularly found that she’d not lived up to those goals and felt disappointed in her failures.

This year she made a new discovery. She realized that her list of resolutions for last year was longer than what she tended to focus on. Lower down on the list included goals like spending more time outdoors, watching more movies and spending more time with friends. She was delighted to find that she did follow through on these “lesser” goals. The big message in this editorial was that we tend only see what we didn’t do or what isn’t going right in our lives. How freeing and uplifting for the columnist when she expanded her sense of what was important and celebrated what she did accomplish.

Do you find yourself focusing on what’s not going right in your life and your relationship goals that you haven't met? Do you find that you are so intent on your goals that the unmet goals are all you see? Or do you not set any goals but constantly are thinking that you'd like your relationships, especially a love relationship to be better?

If so, try out these 3 tips…

Tip #1) Have fun!
As you move closer and closer to the passion and connection you want with your partner, remember to let yourself have fun. It’s easy to fall into the trap of taking ourselves and our relationship too seriously. Potentially joyful moments get passed by or are muted when we are so focused on working hard for this goal. Keep in mind what you want and continue to be mindful. At the same time, however, make it a priority to enjoy the process along the way. Deeper intimacy and greater connection may be more accessible to you sooner when you are in a lighter, more open place.

Maybe you and your partner have a tendency to jump to conclusions with one another. You’ve both resolved to stop this habit. You’ve talked about it, read about it, even attended workshops teaching you how to better connect. These can be very helpful ways to make the changes you want. See what happens when you also allow yourselves to just be silly sometimes. Infuse frivolity and fun into your lives! Perhaps watching a funny movie together would be inspiring. You can continue your practice changing an unwanted relationship habit as you have fun along the way.

2.) Celebrate—even the “small” stuff
As we saw in the example of the newspaper column, it is quite common to prioritize our goals and accomplishments (or lack thereof). This can be a useful practice, but there are also disadvantages as the writer pointed out. The same prioritizing can occur in our relationships. All of our attention goes to the “big” issues which leaves many moments of “little” success discounted or completely unnoticed. How might it feel different if you and your love celebrate even the “small” successes?

Mistrust might run rampant in your relationship. This is a complex issue that certainly deserves attention. At the same time you and your partner are taking steps to strengthen trust between you, make it a point to also celebrate what is going “right.” It could be that you and your partner do a really great job communicating from the heart. When a misunderstanding arises, you have a history of clear and compassionate communication to sort it out. Celebrate this habit that you might even take for granted. As you appreciate what is going well, it might make it easier to change those tendencies that you do not find affirming.

3.) Dream
We’ve suggested that you focus on each moment to notice and celebrate what’s going right. So it might feel like a contradiction when we encourage you to keep alive your dreams of a happily-ever-after love.

While it may seem silly or even childish, we want you to dream and keep doing it. What’s alive in your mind can more easily become real. We are not suggesting you ignore the present with your head in the clouds. Instead, we suggest that you allow yourself to see beyond where you are now and open up to the possibility of an even better relationship as you keep appreciating what you already have. You don’t have to know how it will happen, only what you want your love relationship to look and feel like.

We encourage you to keep your dreams alive, celebrate your successes together, and keep the fun times flowing.

Susie and Otto Collins are Relationship Coaches and authors who help people create lives that are filled with more passion, love and connection. For more tips on turning up the heat in your love relationship, sign up for their free mini-course.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 07:46 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

The other day we saw the movie "The Bucket List" and although the reviews weren't very good, we were amazed at how much there was to learn from it.

In case you're from another planet and haven't heard about it--the film stars Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman who play two men who have been told they are dying. Instead of allowing the life to seep out of them, they go about doing all of the things that they wanted to do (and then some) before they died.

As we said, there were many lessons in this beautiful story but the one that stands out to us was Morgan Freeman's line--"I want to die with my eyes closed and my heart open."

We get so many questions asking how to keep your heart open, especially when it's difficult to do so, that this line certainly spoke to us.

So the question becomes--how do you keep your heart open when it's difficult to do so?

Here are a few of our thoughts...

1. First of all, what does an "open heart" mean to you? What happens when you close your heart? Do you want to not get defensive when someone close to you or even a co-worker says something that triggers you? Do want to not strike back in a nasty way that you can't take back? Do you want to not jump to conclusions and make assumptions? Write down how you'd like to be in your relationship.

2. In your mind, make your connection to this person more important than hanging on to being right. Does that mean becoming a "door mat"? Of course not. It does mean thinking about how you love this person, this person is your friend or a valued co-worker who you want to stay connected with.

3. When you find you are triggered or the other person gets triggered (both can close your heart pretty fast), take a few breaths and switch your focus or your attention from your head (you're probably running a lot of thoughts through your brain at these times) to your heart area. When you do, you'll find that there is a softening that happens and you can even feel an ease about the situation.

4. Switch from talking to listening to understand where this person is coming from. We often listen just enough to make assumptions and then jump in with our ideas, suggestions, and opinions. When you truly listen to understand someone (and ask for clarity if you don't understand), you do keep your connection, even if you briefly lose it. This doesn't mean that you have to agree--just understand

Learning to keep an open heart is very individual to everyone but it's not difficult to recognize when you see it. We urge you to begin practicing opening your heart more of the time.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 11:25 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

It can feel quite overwhelming if you’ve experienced an affair in your marriage or love relationship and are trying to heal from it.

If the affair has stopped and both of you are committed to rebuilding your relationship, you’re ready to start the healing process. If the affair isn’t over, then you both need to clarify what you want and be honest about your relationship.

So if you’re ready to heal your relationship, we have two words for you: movement and direction.

That’s right; it’s all about movement and which direction you are facing. As you continue to relive the events that took place around the affair, you are not turned toward healing. As you continue to watch and read about affairs or become part of support groups that rehash the affairs that you and others have been through, you are not turned toward healing.

Here are 4 ways to begin your healing process after infidelity has torn your relationship apart...

1.) Let Go
We are not in any way asking you to deny how you are feeling and just put on a “happy” face. Every feeling you have is valid. Take time to acknowledge what’s coming up for you as it arises. Try to stay focused on the emotions and not on stories that tend to attach themselves to the emotions. It is clinging to the stories we tell as well as clinging to roles we assign to ourselves that keep us in reverse mode. You might find writing, drawing, or even driving out to the middle of nowhere and yelling about it helpful. Letting out your emotions is an important part of letting go.

2.) Forgive
A second aspect to letting go is forgiveness. This is a process and can be done in small steps or in one big leap. If this is difficult, start with the person that feels easiest to forgive. It might be you or it might be your ex. Remember that forgiveness is about affirming that what happened is in the past and that you don’t want to feel the hurt of the past anymore. If you are the one who was hurt, you might say that there's nothing to forgive yourself about. If you can't make the leap to forgiveness, just start with loving yourself in small ways that you may not have done lately.

3.) Allow Yourself to Dream
Get out a piece of paper and a pen. Find a comfortable spot and close your eyes. Set aside all of the “yes, buts…” and just allow yourself to dream. If there were no obstacles, what kind of life would you love to have? What means sheer bliss to you? This can include the kind of house you live in, the job you’d like, as well as the kind of love relationship you have always wanted to be part of.

If doubts, fears and feelings of unworthiness come up, mentally set them aside. You can work with those later. For just a few moments, give yourself the gift of dreaming about what you want. You don’t have to know how it could ever happen; give yourself the opportunity to form a picture of what happiness and fulfillment looks like for you. Remember that there are no “right” answers here. Your dream vision may be quite different than what you were raised to think you could or should have. That’s ok! Keep on allowing those dreams to come and, if possible, write them down.

4.) Take Action
Now take a look at your list of dreams. It could be that you don’t want to run off and become a trapeze artist right now in your life. But it’s likely there are some things that you could see happening in the not so far off future. Choose 2 or 3 things from the list and re-write them on the other side of your paper. Share these with your partner and have him/her do the same.

Take another few moments and write down what it might take for these dreams to become realities in your life. If you didn’t write anything down in the first place, or if you can’t find 2 or 3 that just feel too unlikely at this point, see if you can come up with one thing. This doesn’t have to be huge. It could be that you dream of feeling loved and cared for, pampered even. Using this example, you could come up with some actions that make you feel this way. Perhaps getting a monthly pedicure or taking time once a week to curl up with a good book or movie helps you feel cared for. Maybe it’s writing a love letter to yourself. Whatever it is you dream of, it’s likely that there are small steps available to you that will get you to where you want to be.

Once you have your list of dreams and possible actions, choose one that you will make a commitment to really carry out. Again, this can start out small. It’s up to you.

As you move through these steps to heal after an affair, we hope that you feel increasing ease and more and more happiness. Remember, you have to start with "you" before you can rebuild "us". Be gentle with yourself and stay mindful of the direction you are facing in life.

For more information about creating the relationship you've always wanted, check out our free mini-course "5 Keys to a Great Relationship"

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 10:16 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)