Love and Relationship Advice Blog

The car accident we had Christmas night could have been worse and we're certainly glad it wasn't.

In thinking about what happened and this newsletter, we don't mean to "rock" your idea of relationships and life but...

We're believers in the idea that everything that happens in our relationships and lives happens for a reason and that in almost every case, this reason is to help us to heal, to learn and to grow as we move toward being our best selves.

In our opinion, this "growth" that seems to happen, whether we invite it or not or find it easy or a struggle, is essential in helping us to create more joy and happiness in each present moment.

Here's what happened and our "take-away" from it...

Christmas night, as we were driving home from a holiday celebration at Otto's parent's house (about a two
hour's drive from where we live), a very large deer ran in front of our car and we hit it. Hard.

The accident could have been much worse than it was and we were grateful that we weren't hurt. We could continue driving the car, although the damage to the right side was considerable.

What we discovered is that this "jolt" from the deer running into our car pulled us rather abruptly from our thoughts of all the things that had gone on throughout the past few days into what was happening in the present moment.

Our focus had to change to dealing with the present circumstances, like assessing the damage to the car and reporting the accident to the State Highway patrol.

We had to quit the "I wish I had..." or "Why did I..." thoughts of what happened in the past and just focus on what we needed to do in the present moment.

Think about how valuable this change of focus would be for you to do (without the accident), especially at this time as you approach the beginning of a new year

You, we and in fact all of us can let go of the thoughts that have held us back.

Thoughts like guilt, blame, judgment and anything else that limits us and our relationships--and focus on what is possible and what we want in this coming new year.

Whether you consciously create new year's resolutions or not, if you're like most people, as the new year approaches, you have thoughts of what you want either more of or less of in the coming year.

In order to create more vibrant, alive, loving relationships and to live a better life, we suggest that you take a few moments to think about what you want.

Here are a few ideas to help you do that and to be more successful in keeping your new year's resolutions...

1. Go beyond your edge.
The good stuff in our relationships and our lives always gets created and happens "beyond your edge" of what is comfortable.

What was once difficult is now easy (or at least easier.) This is called by many names but in essence what we're talking about is expanding your comfort zone or "norm."

2. Don't bite off more than you can chew.

This might seem like a contradiction considering what we just said about going beyond your edge. But it isn't.

Choose one relationship or one area of your life that you would like to improve.

It may be a truly troubled relationship with someone close to you or it might be that you want a closer connection with your partner in a relationship that's already good.

It might be that you want to spend more time with your family or work more efficiently at your job or even to find a job that will be more in alignment with what you want.

Whatever it is, make a conscious choice to improve that relationship or area of your life in this coming year.

3. Choose one thing that you could do on a consistent basis that would make a difference in this relationship or in this area of your life.

It might be to focus more on what you appreciate or love about this person instead of what has happened in the past.

It might be to spend more time interacting with this person instead of watching television or cruising the internet.

It might be to just listen to what this person needs to tell you and you say what you need to say--from your heart.

It might be to take one step--like doing some research--about a job that you think you might like.

It might be to forgive yourself or someone else for what happened in the past.

4. Stay in the present moment and don't allow yourself to "live" in the past. Keep moving toward your goal and what you want more of in your life instead of what you don't want.

Worry, blame, judgment, control, sarcasm, fear will only keep you stuck in what "has been."

Choose to create something new and maybe even wonderful by focusing on what you can do right now in this present moment instead of dwelling on what you wish had happened or not happened in the past.

If we all choose to do this, perhaps we won't need a "jolt" (like hitting a deer) to bring us into creating what we want in our present.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 01:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Whether you’re married or have been in a love relationship, at one time or another, you’ve probably experienced disconnection-- as if a wall had sprung up between the two of you. The relationship wall could’ve resulted from a major disagreement, an argument that was never resolved, or perhaps it’s been slowly building over time.

Despite the specific cause, a relationship wall between you and your partner means that you are not living the close, passionate intimate relationship you want.

You may be hoping, wishing, that that wall would just disappear! In the Harry Potter books and movie series, Harry and his schoolmates travel to Hogwarts School by way of a magical train which picks them up from a special train platform. Before his first year at Hogwarts, Harry is told to meet the train at Platform 9 ¾. He is confused to find nothing but a solid-looking brick pillar between platforms 9 and 10. Finally, a family shows him how to literally walk into and through the pillar (at a nice run even) to get to where he wants to go.

We realize that the Harry Potter world is one of fantasy that is different in many ways from the one we live in. But, we can learn valuable lessons about dissolving relationship walls from Harry’s experiences reaching Platform 9 ¾.

Let us show you how…

Lesson #1: Awareness
It was a befuddling mystery to Harry when he first approached Platforms 9 and 10. Even when he was told that 9 ¾ was through the pillar, he had a hard time seeing beyond that seemingly solid brick.

This lesson can be applied in two ways. The first is all about staying tuned in. Both people in a love relationship need to become and stay aware of what’s going on within themselves, with each other, and with their relationship. If you sense unease coming up, set aside some time to discover what’s going on. Addressing disconnection as soon as you notice it can help prevent relationship walls from starting.

When you sense a wall building in your relationship, you can use awareness to begin to dissolve or dismantle it. Harry didn’t know how—or even that he could— just pass through the wall between Platforms 9 and 10 until he was shown how. Similarly, staying awake in your relationship and noticing when a wall is forming (or one that has already formed) is a first step.

Make it your intention to let go of the stories you tell yourself about whatever the situation is. Set aside judgments about who is “right” and share with your partner your feelings. Then listen with an open heart to what he or she has to say.

Lesson #2: Trust
The first time Harry ran at the pillar, he undoubtedly felt fear and concern about what would happen next. Not only would it be embarrassing to have run at and crashed into a brick pillar, it would probably hurt quite a bit as well! He was successful in passing through the pillar when his trust that he would move safely through it was stronger than his fear of crashing into it.

When facing a wall in your relationship, it can be difficult to remember the love, connection and good feelings that you may have experienced more easily in the past. We’ve all been in the middle of an argument and it seems that the intense feelings are all we can see. However, once the argument has past, we can hardly believe it was such a big deal.

Trusting that closeness and intimacy will happen for you is vital. Think of a past connected time with your love and focus in on the good feelings you associate with that memory. We’re not asking you to live in the past. Instead, we want you to remind yourself how wonderful connection feels and know it is possible to feel that way again.

If memories of intimacy and connection do not come to you easily, no worries. Treat yourself by making time to create in your mind (and heart) a clear idea of what you want your love relationship to feel like. You may choose to share this vision with your partner. If so, share from a place of love without blame or judgment. After sharing, ask your partner what his or her dream vision of your relationship looks like. Listen with your heart open.

While our world is quite different from the fantastical situations portrayed in the Harry Potter series, it serves as a colorful example. As you focus your awareness and strengthen trust to dissolve walls between you and your partner, you might just open up to a more magical, passionate relationship!

For more ideas about how to create deeper intimacy with your loved ones, visit http://www.TheIntimacySecrets.com.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 03:24 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

We’ve all heard about the infamous “mid-life crisis” where one person in a seemingly happy marriage becomes dissatisfied with the way life is going and has an affair. Mid-life divorces can be the result of the crisis.

Of course, not all affairs happen after many years of marriage. They occur in relationships where the couple is not married as well as in marriages that are just a few months old. When a couple makes the agreement to be monogamous and this agreement is broken, it is usually an indication of overall disconnection.

So is it possible to head off an affair before it happens?

While nobody can make choices for another person—even your dearest love— we believe that there are steps you can take to help head off an affair before it happens. Essentially, what we’re talking about is keeping your relationship connected, loving, and passionate!

A wonderful movie called “Shall We Dance?” deals with mid-life crises, potential affairs and how to deal with both. The main character is a middle aged man who has it all: great job, great wife and kids, house in the country, etc. Unfortunately, he just isn’t happy. Something seems to be missing as we see him move through his work day, ride the train home, and kiss his wife and kids in the midst of a busy “full” life.

It’s not until he sees a beautiful woman in the window of a ballroom dance studio and follows his urge to go see her that he begins to wake up and experience happiness.

Here’s the big surprise in the movie: he doesn’t have an affair. Wanting to meet and get together with the beautiful woman was what drew the man off the train and into the dance studio, but the happiness he ultimately finds is NOT from this initial urge. Without giving away too much more about the movie, the man does find the passion and excitement for life he is longing for and this actually strengthens his marriage!

Here are some tips to keep your relationship passionate, loving and connected:

Tip #1: Explore what makes your heart sing
Ballroom dancing may not be what makes you feel alive and excited. If you don’t already know what keeps you inspired and feeling good, go on an expedition and find out! This might be something you do on your own or something you share with your love. Either way it’s going to help you stay happier and better able to bring that sense of love and joy to your relationship.

We aren’t suggesting that a hobby or even career will be the one thing that keeps you feeling inspired. It might be that you feel happiness and a sense of excitement from a variety of things such as: uplifting books, hiking in nature, playing a sport, music, or dancing. Make it your goal to treat yourself to one activity a day that makes your heart sing!

Tip #2: Share the joy
In “Shall We Dance,” the man works hard to keep his growing love for ballroom dancing a secret which contributes to misunderstandings and hurt feelings. While watching the movie, we almost cried out to the man, “Share this with your wife!” Later, the man explains that he felt embarrassed about his new-found passion—dancing.

Take the risk and let your partner know what you find out when you explore what makes your heart sing. It could be that he or she is interested in exploring that same activity with you.

It doesn’t matter if your partner likes to do what you like to do. You can still share with him or her the great feelings you get when you engage in the activity. Even if your partner doesn’t enjoy watching NASCAR racing the way you do, you can still connect about the excitement you feel. In turn, you can listen and share in the inspired energy your love feels when talking with you about the wonderful musical he or she just attended. You don’t have to have the same joys, but sharing the feeling of joy will keep you close and connected.

It is the sharing that is essential here. When you close off from your love how you feel when you are at your best—doing what you love to do—you are closing off intimacy in your relationship.

There are no 100% guarantees in life and the same goes for marriage. But there are steps you can take to keep your marriage healthy, connected, and passionate. Step off the train of the everyday routine that may feel lacking. Explore what makes you feel excited, joyful and and alive and then share those feelings with your love.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 12:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)