Love and Relationship Advice Blog

We have a confession to make.

We also have a few observations we'd like to share with you about something related to our confession that can help you create more passionate, loving, caring, and connected relationships.

So, what's our confession?

We've been addicted to the ABC hit reality television show "Dancing With The Stars."

We know. We know. We're revealing who we really are by telling you this and it's true.

Otto watched several of the shows and Susie watched almost every episode of this year's "Dancing With the Stars" --including of course this week's finale.

It turns out that we were not alone. The show's ratings tell us that somewhere between 24 and 27 million people tuned in each night.

WOW.

So what was it that made this show so interesting that so many people dropped what they were doing to tune in?

Also, since we're students of relationships (and what makes them work when they work), we were curious about what we could learn from the show to help others, as well as to make our relationships better.

Here are several tips about how to create great relationships and connect deeper with the people in your life that came to us as we were thinking about this very popular reality series...

1. Get out of your own dramas

On "Dancing With The Stars," there was spectacular dancing, beautiful costumes and beautiful people to watch but there was also a lot more too.

There was drama.

We mean how much more dramatic can you get than Marie Osmond passing out on live national television?

What's interesting is what this says about all of us.

For the most part, no matter where we're from, we're addicted to "drama," even in our personal lives.

Most of us love "drama" so much that we can't seem to get enough of it. When everything seems to be going alongfairly calmly, we do something that creates or adds some drama to our lives.

We've actually been with couples who will say things they may not even mean or say things that may not be so kind to each other just to get each other "going a little bit" or create some drama or "spark" between them.

This is can make for an interesting relationship, but it usually doesn't serve us in creating one that is closer and more connected.

So when "drama" comes up between the two of you, stop and observe what's really going on between the two of you.

2.Make connection your relationship goal

The stars on the show did a great job of connecting with us, the audience, during their dances, as well as other times they were on camera.

We felt like we knew them, we cared for them and in some ways we hated to see the final show end.

It was the tangible feeling of connection with these stars that would no longer be.

That's one of the reasons that the show was such a success.

As a society, we're ALL hungry for connection, even when we get it from a television show.

We long for intimacy.

Not just the kind of intimacy we enjoy in the bedroom, but, true, genuine intimacy with the people in our lives.

We suggest that you begin looking at the people in your life and how you can form deeper, more meaningful connections with them.

3. Have fun and make sure that humor is always available to you.

Both couples who made this week's "Dancing With the Stars" finals said that they actually had fun, laughed a lot together--and that laughter got them through the difficult spots.

This chemistry that was created in part by having fun and laughing together showed in their dancing--which just made all of us feel good too.

So the question for you might be...

How can you lighten up and have more fun with the people in your life? If you do, it will make a difference in your
relationships and will brighten the day of every one you meet.

4. Open yourself to stretching beyond what you think is possible

In one of the interviews in last night's final show, one of the stars said that by participating in the competition and
pushing herself to do her best, she had learned that she could do things she never thought possible.

She said that she was a better person for going through it all.

How many of us think we can't have what we want in our relationships and our lives?

If we open to the idea that we can stretch beyond what we think is possible, anything can happen.

Life can be even greater than it already is!

5. Adopt the attitude of kindness, openness and caring

It was really clear to us that both finalists in this competition had an openness about them and were genuinely kind, caring people.

This also came out during the interviews with people who talked about the two star finalists, as well as during their dancing and off-stage film clips.

As observers of human nature, the two of us can't help but notice when two people who are in a committed relationship treat each other in unkindly ways and what that does to their relationship.

This often comes from familiarity and a belief that "he/she is my partner and I can treat him/her that way" or "that's just the way we are."

We're saying that kindness does matter, no matter who you are with or how long you have been together.

We invite you to look at one relationship where you might be a little kinder and more loving--especially as the holidays approach.

As always, we encourage you to see what happens when you open yourself to giving more love.

We think you'll be amazed at what happens.

We hope these tips have been valuable to you and (of course) we'll see you on the dance floor!

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 02:42 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

You are probably wondering "What's a helmet head"?

As you continue reading this article, you're going to learn about "helmet heads" and why your level of relationship success and happiness depends on you NOT being one.

So, if NOT being a "helmet head" is so important, not just in our relationships but in our lives, then you'll want to know our definition and how you can recognize when you are being one.

Read on to find out more...

Since discovering the "helmet head" term, we've determined that we all become one at various times in our lives and over various issues.

The trick is to become aware when you are being one and then learn how to take the "helmet" off to create the best possible relationships and life for yourself!

So, what's a "helmet head" anyway?

Can you remember a time when you tried to explain something to someone and no matter how hard you tried, they just didn't seem to be able to "get it" or open to another idea.

Have you ever encountered someone who was so set in their ways that they almost appeared to lack the capacity to even understand that there was a new or different way of doing something or being?

What about the person who knows what they should do to make their relationships and life work at a much higher level and they still don't do it.

A great example of this is a woman who we know who is lactose intolerant and in a great deal of pain after she drinks milk. No matter how many times we suggest that she drink rice or soy milk, she doesn't seem to "hear" our suggestion and continues to act in a way that hurts her.

What we're calling a "helmet head" is being in that frozen place where we can't see another possibility and are closed to a new idea or solution.

Many years ago, Eddie Murphy played in a movie called "48 Hours" and in one of the scenes early in the movie, Eddie covered both of his ears and shouted repeatedly as loudly as he could...

"I'm not Listening, I'm not listening, I'm not listening."

These are just a few examples of what it's like to be a "helmet head" and we could go on and on--but we think you get the idea and probably can identify with a time that you have acted in this way.

The point is that when it comes to your relationships and your life and what it takes to create more love, passion and connection, there really is no difference between the person who cannot see and the person who chooses not to see.

It's quite a visual to imagine someone sitting in a chair with a helmet on that's even more dense than a motorcycle or football helmet. As long as the person is wearing the helmet, they are closed to new or different thoughts and ideas.

In other words, they are shut off to the possibility that something more, deeper or better really is possible if they would only open their mind and their heart.

Most of the time, the person who is being a "helmet head" is stuck, frozen or simply unaware and doesn't even recognize what's going on within their own heart, mind soul and in their life as a whole that could be different if they were only open to it.

Here are some suggestions for recognizing when you are a "helmet head" and what to do about it when you are (or someone you love is being one)...

1. Begin to pay attention to what's happening in your body and the stories you tell yourself when you are talking to someone and you are triggered by what they say.

When this happens to Susie she feels herself pulling back and feels turmoil in her stomach. She might even think thoughts that are the equivalent to Eddie Murphy's "I'm not listening."

2. When these thoughts and feelings happen within you, mentally bring yourself into the present moment
and encourage yourself to open to the possibility that there might be another way of looking at the situation. For example, there might be another way to clean up after dinner than the way your mother did it.

3. Replace "I'm not listening" thoughts with the wonderful concept that Pema Chodron gave us-- "stay." Stay present and open to the other's view-point and ideas. It doesn't mean we have to accept them but there just might be something new there for us if we really pay attention.

4. Admit when you are being a "helmet head," maybe laugh about it, ("Oh I'm doing it again!") and do it differently the next time. None of us is "perfect" and know that part of the growth process in relationships is learning to be lighter with ourselves and others, while trying out new ways to love more.

5. If someone in your life is being a "helmet head," it won't do any good to call them that unless you have that agreement and can laugh about it. In our own relationship, we've discovered that when we "catch" each other doing it, it's usually time to look at ourselves.

You can also ask the other person to listen while you speak, in a loving way, and then speak from your heart without accusations or putting the other down.

Being a "helmet head" isn't a whole lot of fun but we all continue to wear "helmets" at one time or another.

We invite you to take those "helmets" off and open to the possibility of more love and joy than you ever thought possible in your life.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 03:50 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

When passion dies in a long-standing committed relationship, what do you do?

Recently, a woman wrote to us saying that she had been in a committed relationship for 7 years and that although they live together compatibly, her partner was no longer interested in sex. He had had a heart attack 3 years ago, takes a lot of medicine and their love-making just isn't what it used to be. She said he told her that she doesn't do anything to turn him on and she said that he does nothing to change. She went on to say that he needed to exercise and that she's scared of future health problems. She's very frustrated and wanted help.

Here's the advice we gave her...

1. Quit nagging about exercising. we're sure that he needs to do it, especially after a heart attack, but
he's only going to close to you and dig in his heels and NOT do it if you keep reminding him to. It sounds like you are futurizing about his health (and maybe rightly so) but the truth is that any one of us could be gone tomorrow. We never know. It's what we do in the present moment that's important. If he doesn't turn you on because he's fat, then we suggest that begin focusing on what you love about him.

2. Ask him what you could do to turn him on and ask from a point of curiosity and true interest. You will get more of what you want if you find out what he wants and then if it feels good for you to do it, then try it--with love. There's probably so much resentment between the two of you--on your side because you aren't getting the love/sex you want and on his because he feels like a failure and not a man anymore. Both of you need to agree to quit pointing the finger at each other and find out what you both want right now in your relationship.

This probably sounds to you like we're telling you to do everything and him nothing. That's not what we're saying. We're saying that if you want your relationship to have a chance, then find out what might rekindle passion for him, begin appreciating him for what he does do, and trying opening to him in a new way. Then let him know what turns you on--and not in generalities but be specific. Keep your suggestions provocative and juicy--and be honest about what you'd like.

We know you've been hurt and upset by him, his physical condition and his lack of interest in creating a wonderful love-making experience with you. If he's not interested in doing anything differently, as you say, after
you have asked him what he wants and what would turn him on, sharing what turns you on-and then trying some things--then you have a decision to make. The idea is to focus on what you love about each other and stay open to that actually happening. Since you really want change, you take the first step.

For more tips about creating deeper intimacy and a red hot love relationship, visit http://www.redhotloverelationships.com and http://www.theintimacysecrets.com

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 02:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)