Wife Swapping, Love Relationships and Marriage
A few days ago we received a question from a woman that reminded us of a big chance at "fame" that we passed up a year or so ago when we were asked to be on a TV show called "Wife Swap."
If you're not familiar with the show, "Wife Swap" is an unscripted reality TV show that airs weekly on the ABC Television Network where each week from across the country, two families with very different values are chosen to take part in a two-week long challenge. The wives from these two families exchange husbands, children and lives (but not bedrooms) to discover just what it's like to live another woman's life.
As you can imagine, it didn't take us long to decline their offer because it simply isn't in alignment with what we are all about or want for our lives and our relationship.
Which brings us back to this woman's question...
She wrote that her husband says that he still loves her but wants to do "wife swapping." She doesn't want to and is feeling a great deal of pressure from him to do it. He told her that she has "issues" about the topic that he doesn't. She said that she feels that she's not enough.
Her question to us--which is one that we receive every day from people about all sorts of topics--is this...
"Am I right to feel the way I do?"
Whether the relationship challenge is about wife swapping, jealousy over someone at work, helping with child care, housework, or any other conflict, the nagging question that many people have is the one this woman had. It just manifests itself in different forms for different people and with different issues.
So with that in mind, we'll answer her question "Am I right to feel the way I do?" for anyone living with this question...
In our opinion, one of the biggest relationship questions we should all be asking ourselves (and our partner) all the time is-- "Will this (whatever the "this" is AND it could be anything) move us closer together or move us further apart?
We've found that what everyone really wants in relationship is connection. You can call it many names and it can manifest in different ways but we all crave connection.
That being said, in our relationship the two of us are always looking at how we are together and what requests we make of each other through the filter of this question...
"Will this make our relationship stronger or will it move us further apart."
Since our love and connection is the most important thing in the world to us, then we only want to do things that bring us closer together.
In this woman's situation, it's not really about her "issues" about wife swapping that keep her from wanting to participate. In our opinion, it's really about what's good for the growth of their relationship. It's about whether he's feeling into her and seeing whether what he's suggesting will serve her and their relationship or not.
Just for the purpose of this moment... set aside any personal, religious or social judgments you might have about whether this situation is right or wrong and consider this...
If the husband wants to do wife swapping and she doesn't, it's pretty clear that it won't serve their relationship.
If he still insists on doing it after talking with her and finding out "she's not interested," it is more for his own gratification, pleasure and desire for the next big adventure than it is about what will bring the two of them closer together.
In situations like these where there's a big emotional charge and one person is made to feel "less than" because he or she won't go along with the other one's desires or ideas, here are a few of our suggestions...
1. Both people need to pay attention to and not dismiss
their feelings, attitudes, values and desires. Does that
mean that you can't expand or change? Certainly not,
but it does mean that if something feels "right" or "wrong"
to you, you need to pay attention.
2. Listen to each other with an open heart. Find out
why you each feel the way you do. In this woman's
case, find out what it is about doing the swapping
that appeals to her husband. What is it about this that
appeals and excites him? Approach this from a place
of genuine curiosity and then see what he shares with
you.
Is this easy? Of course not. But if you want to keep
a relationship together or at least give it a chance
when challenges like this happen, this is a crucial
step.
3. If the answer is something like he's only trying to
add some new excitement because he's bored
(or some similar reason), you have an opportunity
to openly and honestly talk about how you can
bring more excitement into the relationship without
doing something that will weaken or destroy the
relationship, your connection and go against your
values.
4. If the he/she insists on doing whatever is the
challenge and it feels detrimental to the health of
the relationship, the other partner needs to practice
setting and keeping boundaries.
As for feeling that you are not enough...
If this is your challenge, make the decision to act like you are enough.
Not feeling like you are enough is just one or more of those old (or current) programs that you continue
replaying in your head. Make a different program that says you are enough.
One thing you can count on is this-- when you believe and act like you are enough, that's the way other people
will treat you.
These kinds of challenges can wake up a marriage or relationship--or can separate the people in them.
How you move through them and how open you are to yourself and to each other determines the future health and vitality of the relationship.
