Creating Deeper Intimacy: Forget Your Storytelling
What a cozy feeling it is to cuddle up at a campfire, roast marshmallows, and listen to an often outlandish tale. Maybe it’s spooky, maybe a fantasy; whatever the story, it is usually one that captivates those seated by the fire and adds to everyone’s enjoyment of the moment.
Now, how many times (a day even) do we tell stories to ourselves? These can be stories about how we think others see us, what we believe someone else might be thinking, or even what we think is possible in our own lives.
This second type of storytelling is not only not fun, it is often harmful to ourselves and to our relationships. One sure-fire way to increase connection and intimacy with those we love is to stop telling ourselves stories!
Here's a great example to explain what we mean...
Kelly and Jim had been married for 8 years. Everything went pretty smoothly in their relationship and both were relatively happy. Because of a low self-esteem and a past relationship where another partner had been unfaithful, however, Jim walked around telling himself the story that one day Kelly would also betray him. Many times when they were apart, the wheels in Jim’s head began to turn and he’d spin a tale that Kelly was off with another man. Consequently, when they next saw each other, both Jim and Kelly would feel an underlying tension. His mistrust could be felt by her and their disconnection was compounded by Jim’s belief that his story was actually true.
Perhaps the stories you tell yourself aren’t as dramatic as the example of Kelly and Jim. Maybe you spin tales about how your partner won’t take out the trash even though she promised to. Or perhaps you tell yourself the story that you could never have as loving and connected a relationship as you perceive others having.
So how do you save the storytelling for the campfire? Try these three steps….
1. Recognize when you are starting to tell yourself a story.
Ask yourself, do I really know this is happening? How accurate is what I am thinking about? This may not be so easy to determine. Even what we think we see and hear may not be true for the other person. Sometimes the stories we tell ourselves do have elements of truth to them and this should not be ignored. Perhaps what is most important about this step is to slow down your thoughts and tune in to what you are feeling. Identify the feelings and themes that might underlie the story that’s forming for you.
2. Take an honest look at those feelings and themes.
Remind yourself where you are right now. Are you viewing your present situation through a perspective clouded by the past? Of course, this happens to all of us. Being aware of the extent to which we are treating a person or relationship in our present as if they are exactly the person or relationship in the past is an important part of the process. If you can keep the focus on yourself and your feelings, it can also help you gain clarity about what’s really going on for you.
3. Talk About It
With courage and an open heart, talk with your love about what you discovered by looking at the feelings and themes that underlie your story. This doesn’t mean that Jim should confront Kelly every time she comes home from meeting friends for coffee. What this does mean is that Jim might be honest with Kelly and share with her that he is struggling with feeling insecure about himself and triggered because of the past relationship pain. This sharing allows your partner to better understand what’s going on for you. While Kelly can’t reassure away Jim’s fears of betrayal, she can at least know that he is working with those fears and perhaps be sensitive to them when he appears to be triggered.
Acknowledging the story as a story gives you the power to stop spinning those harmful tales and perhaps to also stop past patterns that have kept you from enjoying the close connection you want with your partner. Give these three steps a try and enjoy the openness and deeper intimacy that can result!
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Comments
I think it's also important to remember that sometimes we tell ourselves stories because we are subconsciously picking up on clues that we can't consciously acknowledge. For example, in the story above, maybe Jim was picking up on Kelly's increasingly secretive behavior. You make a good point about not creating tension where there is none, but I don't think people generally make these things out of thin air.
Posted by: Marie | November 6, 2007 07:36 PM
You're right, Marie. People don't make things up out of thin air. They usually make them up from experiences they have had in the past. We hear from a lot of people who are dealing with jealousy and although many of them are "justified" in their suspicions, many aren't--and they know it.
They know that their suspicions about their current partner are unfounded.
So if you or anyone are finding yourself thinking suspicious thoughts about
your partner, find out what's "real" and what you are making up from experiences in the past.
One thing that we've discovered is that we repeat patterns until we heal them. This "story-telling"--whether real or unreal--is a sign to heal.
This may mean that you take action that you know you need to take.
You have to listen to yourself--and learn to separate your true voice from what you mind is making up.
Posted by: Susie | November 7, 2007 02:25 PM