Love and Relationship Advice Blog

What a cozy feeling it is to cuddle up at a campfire, roast marshmallows, and listen to an often outlandish tale. Maybe it’s spooky, maybe a fantasy; whatever the story, it is usually one that captivates those seated by the fire and adds to everyone’s enjoyment of the moment.

Now, how many times (a day even) do we tell stories to ourselves? These can be stories about how we think others see us, what we believe someone else might be thinking, or even what we think is possible in our own lives.

This second type of storytelling is not only not fun, it is often harmful to ourselves and to our relationships. One sure-fire way to increase connection and intimacy with those we love is to stop telling ourselves stories!

Here's a great example to explain what we mean...

Kelly and Jim had been married for 8 years. Everything went pretty smoothly in their relationship and both were relatively happy. Because of a low self-esteem and a past relationship where another partner had been unfaithful, however, Jim walked around telling himself the story that one day Kelly would also betray him. Many times when they were apart, the wheels in Jim’s head began to turn and he’d spin a tale that Kelly was off with another man. Consequently, when they next saw each other, both Jim and Kelly would feel an underlying tension. His mistrust could be felt by her and their disconnection was compounded by Jim’s belief that his story was actually true.

Perhaps the stories you tell yourself aren’t as dramatic as the example of Kelly and Jim. Maybe you spin tales about how your partner won’t take out the trash even though she promised to. Or perhaps you tell yourself the story that you could never have as loving and connected a relationship as you perceive others having.

So how do you save the storytelling for the campfire? Try these three steps….

1. Recognize when you are starting to tell yourself a story.
Ask yourself, do I really know this is happening? How accurate is what I am thinking about? This may not be so easy to determine. Even what we think we see and hear may not be true for the other person. Sometimes the stories we tell ourselves do have elements of truth to them and this should not be ignored. Perhaps what is most important about this step is to slow down your thoughts and tune in to what you are feeling. Identify the feelings and themes that might underlie the story that’s forming for you.

2. Take an honest look at those feelings and themes.
Remind yourself where you are right now. Are you viewing your present situation through a perspective clouded by the past? Of course, this happens to all of us. Being aware of the extent to which we are treating a person or relationship in our present as if they are exactly the person or relationship in the past is an important part of the process. If you can keep the focus on yourself and your feelings, it can also help you gain clarity about what’s really going on for you.

3. Talk About It
With courage and an open heart, talk with your love about what you discovered by looking at the feelings and themes that underlie your story. This doesn’t mean that Jim should confront Kelly every time she comes home from meeting friends for coffee. What this does mean is that Jim might be honest with Kelly and share with her that he is struggling with feeling insecure about himself and triggered because of the past relationship pain. This sharing allows your partner to better understand what’s going on for you. While Kelly can’t reassure away Jim’s fears of betrayal, she can at least know that he is working with those fears and perhaps be sensitive to them when he appears to be triggered.

Acknowledging the story as a story gives you the power to stop spinning those harmful tales and perhaps to also stop past patterns that have kept you from enjoying the close connection you want with your partner. Give these three steps a try and enjoy the openness and deeper intimacy that can result!

FREE sample video and FREE mini-course (based on the ideas in our "7 Intimacy Secrets" DVD) for anyone who wants to know how to create deeper intimacy and connection in their relationships. To see the free sample video or to get the FREE mini-course on increasing intimacy visit http://www.TheIntimacySecrets.com

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 02:04 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

While most of us have many teachers on our paths to spiritual growth and enlightenment, our ultimate "teacher" is that voice within that speaks from our highest truth. Whether you call this voice intuition, God, Spirit or another name, this is the voice of light and love.

Learning to discern this inner voice from all of the other voices that we come into contact with--and actually follow its advice could be our most challenging but also rewarding practice.

Recently, Susie's sister Nancy told us a wonderful story about how she listened to her inner voice, followed its advice and helped someone in need and we wanted to share it with you to illustrate what we mean.

Nancy is a speech and hearing therapist in a poor school district outside of a large city. Many of the children she works with are challenged by violence and abuse in the home, lack of warm clothing and food, are behavioral problems and are hungry for love.

For quite awhile, one of her students was having trouble with a bad case of eczema and he was scratching his arms so hard that they were bleeding. Because of this condition, he couldn't concentrate in school and Nancy wanted to find a way to help him.

She referred him to the school nurse but nothing that was done for him seemed to help.

During one of her meditation sessions, Nancy's inner voice said to offer coconut oil to help this little boy.

Now of course Nancy is not a physician or a nurse but she did follow her intuition and suggest it to the school nurse.

Nancy also bought a jar of coconut oil and left it at the nurse's station for him if the nurse chose to try it.

The next time that the boy was in severe pain and was sent to the school nurse, out of desperation, she rubbed it on his arms.

He felt immediately calmer and his scratching stopped.

Did the coconut oil cure his eczema?

We don't know but we do know that at that moment, he felt better.

By actually acting on her intuition, Nancy was able to help this little boy feel better.

So the question is...
How can you still your mind and listen to that voice inside you that is connected with Spirit or your Higher Self?

How can you take action on your intuition?

How can you bring more love into the world?

This week, we urge you to "listen" and act from your inner knowing. You might think that you aren't being told anything but we think you'll be surprised if you only stop and listen.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 04:51 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

A few days ago we received a question from a woman that reminded us of a big chance at "fame" that we passed up a year or so ago when we were asked to be on a TV show called "Wife Swap."

If you're not familiar with the show, "Wife Swap" is an unscripted reality TV show that airs weekly on the ABC Television Network where each week from across the country, two families with very different values are chosen to take part in a two-week long challenge. The wives from these two families exchange husbands, children and lives (but not bedrooms) to discover just what it's like to live another woman's life.

As you can imagine, it didn't take us long to decline their offer because it simply isn't in alignment with what we are all about or want for our lives and our relationship.

Which brings us back to this woman's question...

She wrote that her husband says that he still loves her but wants to do "wife swapping." She doesn't want to and is feeling a great deal of pressure from him to do it. He told her that she has "issues" about the topic that he doesn't. She said that she feels that she's not enough.

Her question to us--which is one that we receive every day from people about all sorts of topics--is this...

"Am I right to feel the way I do?"

Whether the relationship challenge is about wife swapping, jealousy over someone at work, helping with child care, housework, or any other conflict, the nagging question that many people have is the one this woman had. It just manifests itself in different forms for different people and with different issues.

So with that in mind, we'll answer her question "Am I right to feel the way I do?" for anyone living with this question...

In our opinion, one of the biggest relationship questions we should all be asking ourselves (and our partner) all the time is-- "Will this (whatever the "this" is AND it could be anything) move us closer together or move us further apart?

We've found that what everyone really wants in relationship is connection. You can call it many names and it can manifest in different ways but we all crave connection.

That being said, in our relationship the two of us are always looking at how we are together and what requests we make of each other through the filter of this question...

"Will this make our relationship stronger or will it move us further apart."

Since our love and connection is the most important thing in the world to us, then we only want to do things that bring us closer together.

In this woman's situation, it's not really about her "issues" about wife swapping that keep her from wanting to participate. In our opinion, it's really about what's good for the growth of their relationship. It's about whether he's feeling into her and seeing whether what he's suggesting will serve her and their relationship or not.

Just for the purpose of this moment... set aside any personal, religious or social judgments you might have about whether this situation is right or wrong and consider this...

If the husband wants to do wife swapping and she doesn't, it's pretty clear that it won't serve their relationship.

If he still insists on doing it after talking with her and finding out "she's not interested," it is more for his own gratification, pleasure and desire for the next big adventure than it is about what will bring the two of them closer together.

In situations like these where there's a big emotional charge and one person is made to feel "less than" because he or she won't go along with the other one's desires or ideas, here are a few of our suggestions...

1. Both people need to pay attention to and not dismiss
their feelings, attitudes, values and desires. Does that
mean that you can't expand or change? Certainly not,
but it does mean that if something feels "right" or "wrong"
to you, you need to pay attention.

2. Listen to each other with an open heart. Find out
why you each feel the way you do. In this woman's
case, find out what it is about doing the swapping
that appeals to her husband. What is it about this that
appeals and excites him? Approach this from a place
of genuine curiosity and then see what he shares with
you.

Is this easy? Of course not. But if you want to keep
a relationship together or at least give it a chance
when challenges like this happen, this is a crucial
step.

3. If the answer is something like he's only trying to
add some new excitement because he's bored
(or some similar reason), you have an opportunity
to openly and honestly talk about how you can
bring more excitement into the relationship without
doing something that will weaken or destroy the
relationship, your connection and go against your
values.

4. If the he/she insists on doing whatever is the
challenge and it feels detrimental to the health of
the relationship, the other partner needs to practice
setting and keeping boundaries.

As for feeling that you are not enough...

If this is your challenge, make the decision to act like you are enough.

Not feeling like you are enough is just one or more of those old (or current) programs that you continue
replaying in your head. Make a different program that says you are enough.

One thing you can count on is this-- when you believe and act like you are enough, that's the way other people
will treat you.

These kinds of challenges can wake up a marriage or relationship--or can separate the people in them.

How you move through them and how open you are to yourself and to each other determines the future health and vitality of the relationship.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 11:11 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Here's a quick question for you...

Have you ever done or created any thing any time or any where in your life that you would consider a "peak experience"?

If we think about it for a moment almost all of us can come up with something that has happened in our lives that we consider a "Peak experience" but here's what's interesting in thinking about peak experiences ....

Most of us have the belief that peak experiences happen rarely, if at all, in our lives and our relationships. We often resort to living vicariously by reading romance novels, watching sports events or "Grey's Anatomy" on television to get a similar "charge" from a peak moment.

While we certainly don't think doing any of those things is bad, we think that everyone can (and does) create peak experiences in their own lives more of the time. In our opinion, the goal is to take these "peak experiences" and make them the "norm" and repeatable.

Sound impossible?

It isn't and here's why...

The two of us attended a wonderful couples workshop this past weekend given by Sabine Grandke-Taft and
we would be safe to say that every couple there, including us, experienced what we would all call peak relationship experiences.

For many couples after experiencing those peak moments, the question becomes this...

"How do we bring more of that into our lives?"

Whether you are currently single or in an intimate relationship, we're sure that you've experienced what you might consider a peak relationship moment or moments sometime in your life and you've wondered the same thing.

Maybe it was a honeymoon or anniversary get-away, a walk in the rain with your beloved, a delicious dinner
out, or a particular steamy bedroom experience. It might even have been a moment when the two of you looked at each other in a certain way.

Whatever it was, it was very pleasing, exciting and you felt close and connected with your partner or even with someone else.

So how do you recapture the magic of the peak experience and keep it going?

Here are a few suggestions and what we do on a regular basis to keep our peak moments going...

1. Ask yourself and your partner--"What does a peak relationship experience mean to me?" It might be
different for each of you but if you look underneath, you both may want the same things. For us, our peak moments are when we feel close and connected, whether it's in or out of our bedroom. It's moments when we are truly open and loving with each other.

2. When you find out what you both want more of, look at how you created it once. While it's probably not practical to go off to a cabin in the woods without the kids every weekend, it is possible to take 30 minutes and do something together to show how special you each are to one another. Take 30 minutes, find ways to relax with one another (without the television) and show your love for each other with words or touch.

3. Begin looking for ways to please one another and to create good feelings between the two of you. Begin changing your belief that maybe it is possible to have more of what you want--more openness, more love, more kindness--more of anything.

We've carried our peak experiences of the weekend home with us. Yesterday, we both had unusual physical aches and pains for some reason or another and it would have been very easy for us to do and say things that would separate us.

But we didn't.

We stayed open to each other and stayed connected.

Will we always be loving toward each other?

Of course not.

But what we are committed to doing is making our peak experiences more the norm for our relationship.

When we are having a peak experience, we are always looking for ways to integrate it into our lives and claim this as a higher standard for our relationship. This is one of the big reasons why we have the incredible relationship that we do--because we are always trying how to repeat the peak experiences in our life.

Our loving advice to you is to start where you are and take one step toward what you want.

Then when you experience anything that is better, more fun, more exciting or more joyful, we encourage you to look at how you can do what we do and make it "normal and natural" and also a part of your daily or moment-to-moment experience.

You'll be glad you did.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 10:26 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)