Marriage Advice when Desire Fades or is Gone
What do you do if you no longer desire your partner or your desire seems to have faded?
That question is similar to one that a woman asked us recently and not only were we intrigued by her question but her situation seemed similar to the challenges that many people face in their relationships.
Because of this, we decided to share our answer to this question with all of you.
First of all, when it comes to the question like "what do you do if you no longer desire your partner or your desire seems to have faded?" one thing is for sure... this is the kind of question that no one likes to admit, let alone deal with.
This is especially true if you have been with your partner for many years, truly love him or her and have no intention of leaving your relationship.
What we have discovered is that when physical intimacy is lacking or non-existent in a marriage or long-lasting relationship, there can be a lot of unspoken thoughts, feelings and beliefs that build walls instead of create connection.
The relationship usually limps along and one or both people find that they have a desire for something more somewhere inside themselves.
So what's going on when there's love between two people but the desire just isn't there any longer? How does this happen?
Even if you are in a great, close, connected relationship, there are times when desire seems to fade a little so it's a good question for any couple to ask.
Of course there's not one simple answer to this question but here are a few ideas...
--The two people were once "in sync" with one another but they now have different interests, desires, goals for their lives and/or for their relationship.
--They have allowed the busyness of life--raising kids, career challenges, other responsibilities--to pull them apart and they haven't made their relationship a priority or time for it.
--The two people take each other and their love for granted.
--Although the two people say they love each other, one person may have lost respect for the other.
--There may be trust issues between them and they may be holding on to old hurts that have not been forgiven.
--There may be physical or mental illness.
The list could go on and on but you get the idea...
Here are a few things we recommend if you are experiencing a disconnection of this kind and you don't want to end your relationship but want to rekindle the love and desire that used to be there...
1. First, look within yourself for the reasons that you have
been unwilling until now to look at or talk about that are
keeping you from connecting in all ways with your partner.
If you're stuck, re-read our above list.
2. If you have felt desire in the past for your partner, ask
yourself what was going on when you did have this type
of connection. How were you treating each other then
that is different from how you are interacting with one
another now?
What thoughts, feelings and beliefs did you have about
your partner and about your relationship when you did
desire each other? Decide if these thoughts, feelings and
beliefs are ones that you can and want to emphasize more
or if you need to adopt different ones that fit who you both
are today.
Remember what Henry David Thoreau said about change...
"Things do not change; we change." If this is true, then
we are in control of what is changing and we can make a
difference in what happens in our relationships.
3. What kind of "stories" are you telling yourself about
what's going on and why you haven't truly addressed
this problem before now. Remember, your thoughts
and "stories" are completely your perception and may
have nothing to do with your partner's perception of
what is real for him or her.
4. Are you withholding something that needs to be
said for fear of "hurting the other's feelings"?
In our experience, withholding thoughts and feelings
that are persistently present builds walls and desire
has no chance to grow. Even if what you might
reveal hurts the other person, you can say it with
love and with the intention of wanting your
relationship to be better, closer and more alive.
5. Be willing to risk jumping out our your habitual
ways of doing things and trying something new.
It might be reading material together that will
give you some new ideas about how to rev up
your desire. It might be looking at your beloved
with "new" eyes. It might be being honest. It might
mean working with a coach or therapist to help
you work through your challenges.
Whatever risk is called for, if you don't have the
passion and intimacy that you want, you are
faced with the choice of either risking doing
something differently or living your life with less
love and passion than you want.
Each of us has a choice in every moment how we are going to live our lives.
That choice that comes from fear is what keeps you from truly experiencing life and love as deeply as possible.
Our hope is that you choose love more of the time.
