Love and Relationship Advice Blog

Did you know that one of the biggest ways that hold people back from connecting with others and creating great relationships is the stories they tell themselves.

This idea that the "stories" we consciously or unconsciously create and live by is one of the major keys to the success, (or unsuccess) happiness and fulfillment in both our relationships and our life.

The two of us talk about examining the stories we tell ourselves so much because this idea has helped us create better relationships in our lives, as well as the lives of so many others.

Recently, a friend of ours told us about a "story" that she had been telling herself about her dog that we thought was a very wise relationship and life lesson. We got her permission to tell her story and we wanted to pass it on to you.

So, here goes...

Our friend Angela has a 10 year-old mixed breed dog (Lab, Great Dane, shepherd) and they love each other very much. For the past few months, Sophie (the dog) hasn't been eating, has been very weak, lethargic and her kidneys seemed to be failing so Angela was wondering if Sophie was going to die soon.

In fact, Angela found herself thinking and talking about Sophie's death a lot of the time--even though Sophie was still alive. She was also beginning to feel that Sophie was withdrawing from her.

Angela's "story" about Sophie was that she would die soon and Angela's loss would be and was already almost too much to bear.

A couple of weekends ago, Angela "dog-sat" for Sophie's friend Mulligan who is quite a bit younger than Sophie. During the weekend, Angela was surprised to see that Sophie ran and played with Mulligan and seemed to have a lot of pep and energy.

That weekend Angela realized what she had been doing. She had been telling the "story" that Sophie was going to die soon and leave her alone--and Sophie complied by acting old, sick and ready to die.

Angela realized that if she changed her "story" about Sophie to enjoying every minute she had with her and enjoying her "life" instead of focusing on her death, both of them would feel better.

Does that mean Sophie will live forever?

Of course not but it does mean that whatever time they have together will be richer and happier with Angela's new story.

What a great lesson for all of us!

If we all focused on what we wanted and liked about other people in our lives, how much better all of us would feel and how much happier we would be.

So a few questions to ask ourselves are these...

In what areas of my life and in what relationships do I need to begin focusing on what I want rather than on
what I don't want?

What "stories" am I telling myself that actually keep me from having what I want and may be damaging my
relationships?

Am I putting up roadblocks to the relationship I really want by saying or thinking that "when they do this (fill-in-the-blank) then I'll open myself to them more of the time?"

In other words, are you taking an "if, then attitude" that says "if then or If only something outside of me happens, then I'll be happier, more open or more something."

We all constantly make up "stories" about ourselves, other people, and our relationships. Some "stories" end up keeping us separate from those we love and actually harm our relationships. We even make up stories about how much healing we've done or not done or what issues in our lives still need some examining.

We invite you this week to answer our questions and begin focusing on your life the way you want it to be rather than what you don't want.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 11:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Listen as we share how this story relates to you and how it can help you make your relationships better.

Imagine for a moment this scenario from last night...

Some of our family members were here to visit and to see our new house that we just moved into and as is
typical when family and friends get together, the stories started flying.

In fact, one person told a story that happened when he was 9 years old that was amazing.

He told us that his mom drove by herself with four small children (he and his siblings) from the east coast of the
USA to one of the western states that was well over 2000 miles away .

During this trip, because his mom was the only one old enough to drive, she kept falling asleep at the wheel, actually ending up in the weeds a few times.

Thankfully, they arrived safely at their home and it certainly made for a great story but here's what this has to do with you and your relationships...

After everyone left, the two of us began to think about what a challenge it is to consistently keep your (and our)
"relationship wheels" on the road and not run our relationship into the weeds, where we don't want to be.

To carry this car analogy a little further--

If the goal or intention in life is fun, joy, connection, growth and happiness, then it might be helpful to think of our relationships as important vehicles that can carry us along that road.

If the road is the path to happiness and our relationships are like our cars and trucks--and are vehicles for taking us on that road to happiness, joy and connection--then it might be important every once in a while to take a look at the following question concerning our relationships and life...

What keeps us on the "road" to what we want or where we want to go in our relationships and lives and what
takes us off?

Here are some things that take us off...

1. We go to sleep (as our guest's mom did).
We get caught up in our lives and we forget what's really important to us--or maybe we just get tired.

2. We are afraid.
A friend of ours is afraid to drive on the freeways in our city because at one time in her life, she caused a 7-car
pile-up. She uses the back roads to get wherever she's going, even though it takes her a lot longer. She allows
fear of the past and the memory of past experiences to hold her back--just as we all do when it comes to our
relationships. We don't go for what we want because we're afraid.

3. We put off looking at and fixing what's not working. Have you ever known that you needed to take your
car to a mechanic because something was wrong with it and you just kept putting off the inevitable?

Susie did that with a previous car when she had issues with her brakes. The damage that happened because she neglected addressing the problem ended up costing her quite a bit more in repairs.

We talk with people every day who have "put off" addressing problems in their relationships and sometimes, it's too late for that relationship.

Okay, so what keeps us ON the relationship road that can give us peace, love, joy, happiness and connection?

1. Focusing your energy on how your partner or loved one does show up for you. You've heard it before but if you're like us, we need to hear it again--focus on what you want more of.

2. Spend time together talking and laughing. This morning, we spent extra time together hugging and talking before we started our day. We're each taking separate trips and won't see each other for several days so even though we are usually together 24/7, we wanted to spend some extra, quality moments together before we left.

This time of laughing, talking and loving is part of the "cement" that makes our life and relationship so good--and we highly recommend it.

3. Honor each other's gifts and who he/she truly is. We all want to be loved for who we truly are and there is no better gift to give someone than to acknowledge what that gift means in your life. Take the time to ask yourself how this other person enriches your life.

This morning, we told each other how our lives are happier, better and richer because we are together.

This isn't unusual for us but surprisingly it is for many people.

We invite you to do the same with the important people in your life. Be sure you tell them how important they are to you and how much of a difference they make in your life.

It's not enough to love and appreciate the people in your life, you have to tell them and show them.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 06:55 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

What do you do if you no longer desire your partner or your desire seems to have faded?

That question is similar to one that a woman asked us recently and not only were we intrigued by her question but her situation seemed similar to the challenges that many people face in their relationships.

Because of this, we decided to share our answer to this question with all of you.

First of all, when it comes to the question like "what do you do if you no longer desire your partner or your desire seems to have faded?" one thing is for sure... this is the kind of question that no one likes to admit, let alone deal with.

This is especially true if you have been with your partner for many years, truly love him or her and have no intention of leaving your relationship.

What we have discovered is that when physical intimacy is lacking or non-existent in a marriage or long-lasting relationship, there can be a lot of unspoken thoughts, feelings and beliefs that build walls instead of create connection.

The relationship usually limps along and one or both people find that they have a desire for something more somewhere inside themselves.

So what's going on when there's love between two people but the desire just isn't there any longer? How does this happen?

Even if you are in a great, close, connected relationship, there are times when desire seems to fade a little so it's a good question for any couple to ask.

Of course there's not one simple answer to this question but here are a few ideas...

--The two people were once "in sync" with one another but they now have different interests, desires, goals for their lives and/or for their relationship.

--They have allowed the busyness of life--raising kids, career challenges, other responsibilities--to pull them apart and they haven't made their relationship a priority or time for it.

--The two people take each other and their love for granted.

--Although the two people say they love each other, one person may have lost respect for the other.

--There may be trust issues between them and they may be holding on to old hurts that have not been forgiven.

--There may be physical or mental illness.

The list could go on and on but you get the idea...

Here are a few things we recommend if you are experiencing a disconnection of this kind and you don't want to end your relationship but want to rekindle the love and desire that used to be there...

1. First, look within yourself for the reasons that you have
been unwilling until now to look at or talk about that are
keeping you from connecting in all ways with your partner.
If you're stuck, re-read our above list.

2. If you have felt desire in the past for your partner, ask
yourself what was going on when you did have this type
of connection. How were you treating each other then
that is different from how you are interacting with one
another now?

What thoughts, feelings and beliefs did you have about
your partner and about your relationship when you did
desire each other? Decide if these thoughts, feelings and
beliefs are ones that you can and want to emphasize more
or if you need to adopt different ones that fit who you both
are today.

Remember what Henry David Thoreau said about change...
"Things do not change; we change." If this is true, then
we are in control of what is changing and we can make a
difference in what happens in our relationships.

3. What kind of "stories" are you telling yourself about
what's going on and why you haven't truly addressed
this problem before now. Remember, your thoughts
and "stories" are completely your perception and may
have nothing to do with your partner's perception of
what is real for him or her.

4. Are you withholding something that needs to be
said for fear of "hurting the other's feelings"?

In our experience, withholding thoughts and feelings
that are persistently present builds walls and desire
has no chance to grow. Even if what you might
reveal hurts the other person, you can say it with
love and with the intention of wanting your
relationship to be better, closer and more alive.

5. Be willing to risk jumping out our your habitual
ways of doing things and trying something new.
It might be reading material together that will
give you some new ideas about how to rev up
your desire. It might be looking at your beloved
with "new" eyes. It might be being honest. It might
mean working with a coach or therapist to help
you work through your challenges.

Whatever risk is called for, if you don't have the
passion and intimacy that you want, you are
faced with the choice of either risking doing
something differently or living your life with less
love and passion than you want.

Each of us has a choice in every moment how we are going to live our lives.

That choice that comes from fear is what keeps you from truly experiencing life and love as deeply as possible.

Our hope is that you choose love more of the time.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 12:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

It's been said that there are only two things in life that are certain and those are death and taxes.

To that short list, we would definitely add "change" and along with changes there are always "transitions" that
we must navigate through as well.

It's how we handle these "changes" and "transitions" in our relationships and lives that are partially responsible
for our degree of happiness we feel in life.

So, why is this so important and how do we do this with as much skill and grace as possible?

Over the past few weeks, we've been going through a huge transition of our own--moving from the small Ohio town where we lived for many years to a house in a much larger city, Columbus, Ohio.

We know we are not alone and we're willing to bet that small or large, you are probably going through some transition of your own right now.

We get calls and emails all the time from people who want to work with us and have us be their "coach" to help them work through relationship and other challenges.

In fact, some of you reading this are going through big relationship challenges that are causing you to consider the question of whether to "stay or go" in your relationship.

Others reading this may be going through separations from the people they love through death or other means, dealing with new jobs, new marriages, new homes, the challenges of dealing with parents who can no longer care for themselves, young children going off to school or older children leaving home for the first time for college. The list goes on and on of changes and transitions you may be dealing with right now.

All transitions usually come with a variety of emotions. Even new marriages are filled with ups and downs--from the joy and happiness of being with your loved one to the anxiety of living with a new person and getting used to new ways of doing things.

Whatever the transition--and we all go through them--the question becomes this...

How do you go through transitions with as much peace, love and even joy as possible?

Here are some ways we've discovered to move through transitions with grace and love for yourself and for others...

1. Recognize what you are feeling and know that it will pass.

We've heard it said that your emotions are like clouds passing by and they will eventually change and move on.

When you are in the middle of a transition, you might think that you'll be stuck forever in sadness, grief, anxiety, ungroundedness or even anger.

This doesn't have to happen if you allow yourself to acknowledge what you are feeling and tell yourself that this is what you are feeling now but that it can change.

Know that underneath the grief, anger or whatever else you are feeling is a place of love. Find that place of love inside yourself--love for beauty of nature, love for an animal, love for another human being. Find a thought
that feels better, even if it isn't "love." Just find some relief in another thought.

That relief is there if you just look for it.

2. Be patient with yourself and take the next step.

If you're in the middle of a transition, you may not be ready to hear that this change will actually help you to become a better, happier person--if you choose to look at it that way.

The trick is to move through your emotions, being patient with yourself, with the knowing that this transition is for your higher good.

No one can tell you when it's right to "move on" with your life after a transition. For Susie, the process of letting go of her old house and of living in the town where she had been living for almost 40 years took more than 9 months. For Otto, his letting go process was much quicker.

The idea is to feel what you are feeling, while allowing what may be your next step to show itself. If a step seems too big or overwhelming, back up and take a smaller step. Don't be critical of your process or another's.

Sometimes, all Susie could do was to sort through one small area in their previous home. That was her next step.

You be the judge of what your next step is.

3. Keep your "eyes on the prize" (where you want to go, do or be).

We played Bruce Springsteen's version of "Eyes on the Prize" from his "Live in Dublin" album over and over
as we were making our way through our recent moving process.

Each time, as we listened, we felt encouraged, uplifted and able to take another step forward toward our goal.

We suggest that you find some music, art, book, a meditation process, or type of exercise to keep you
going when you start to feel discouraged and want to give up. Make it positive--something that uplifts you--
instead of bringing you down or keeping you stuck in the past.

Last year, as Susie's mother was in the process of passing, we played music that reminded us of how
joyful her life had been. Sure we cried, but we also rejoiced in the beauty of who she was and it helped
us to take that next step toward healing the hurt of her passing.

4. Finally, when you are faced with changes and are going though a "transition," we suggest that you
make yourself as conscious as possible about your "story" about what you are faced with or going through.

At every step of the way in our lives, we all tell ourselves "stories" as a way of making sense of what's going
on in our life.

When you are going through any transition, make sure the "story" you are telling yourself is a powerful one
that will lead you toward more of what you want instead of it being a disempowering one that takes you away
from what you want.

If your current "story" for your situation and life isn't working for you, you can always change it and create a new story that does work for you.

Finally, there are many other things that you can do when going through life and relationship transitions like gather a support system around you--but we think you probably get the idea.

Transitions aren't always fun to go through (although they can be) and we are inviting you to go through
whatever is happening in your life right now with a lot of love in your heart.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 11:14 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)