Marriage Advice for Staying Connected Through Changes
If there's one thing that we know from first-hand experience, it's how challenging it can be to stay connected during major (or even minor) changes in our lives.
We're in the process of moving from a small town and house where we have lived for many years to a larger city about an hour away.
If you've made a move like this yourself, you know the amount of "stuff" that has accumulated during those years--and you have to move it, sell it or give it away.
For us, the challenge has been to find ways to stay connected through the stress of selling our house, buying a new one and preparing to move to our new location.
We know that moving is not the change that can create challenges for a couple to stay connected. We'll list just a few and we're sure you could add many more to it...
* Birth of a child
* Loss of a job
* New Job
* New Boss
* Child leaving home for college or moving out
* Financial challenges
* Health challenges
* Death of parent
* Becoming the care-giver for a parent
* Death of a child
And the list could go on and on...
The changes that can challenge your connection can be major ones or even not-so-major ones. Believe it or not, even planning and going on a vacation or the kids starting back to school can create disconnection!
So how do you keep your connection through changes, whether big or small, that come up in your life?
Here are some ways that we've used throughout our moving process and have helped us...
1. Make your steps clear
Don't assume anything. Talk with your partner or family member about
plans that you are mentally creating and about your motivations and
reasons for those plans.
We are constantly communicating, from the very smallest decision like
where to store boxes that have been packed to larger decisions like what
furniture we want to sell, take with us to the new home or give away.
If you're not constantly communicating your mental plans and your
motivations behind those plans, it's easy for the two of you to create
situations where you are at odds and there's disconnection.
2. Make sure that you truly listen to each other
During times of stress and change, it's very easy to not focus your
attention on listening to your partner or the other person. You might
be distracted or in a hurry and listening simply isn't a priority.
If you want to keep your connection strong, make listening to each
other a priority. Stop your busy-ness, take a breath, sit down and
talk and listen. When you do, you'll discover that things just seem
to go more smoothly.
3. Make sure you keep your sense of humor
Keeping a sense of humor can be a challenge in stressful situations
and not usually possible when going through something like the death
of a child.
What we've discovered is that if we can find something to laugh at,
especially during this move when contracts have fallen through or
closing dates have been changed, we are better able to keep our
connection strong.
4. Keep Focused on What you Want
It's so tempting when your life gets stressful with lots of changes to
focus on what is being left behind or what "used to be."
We've kept our connection and regained it when we've lost it by
changing our focus to what we are going to rather than what we
are leaving behind.
No matter what the changes are in your life, if you both focus on
what you want, you'll be able to move toward it rather than be
holding on to the past.
There's no doubt about it--the changes that you go through in
your life can play havoc to your relationship and can create
disconnection.
If you are going through any kind of change right now, we invite you to be proactive in creating and keeping a strong connection with your partner or others. If you do, you'll find that you are better able to see the light at the end of the tunnel and you might even start enjoying the process.
