Relationship Advice for Dealing with the Independence/Dependence Issue
As we're sure you know, this week (on July4th) in the United States we're celebrating the founding of our nation, freedom and independence.
Just like a lot of you, we are spending time with friends and family and attending Independence day celebrations complete with fireworks.
One thing that's for sure is, the idea of independence means a lot of different things to a lot of different people.
Since we're all so different, each of us has a greater or lesser desire for freedom and independence--and that's where the "rub" comes in.
In relationships of all kinds, the idea of "independence" is also pretty important and that's because freedom, independence and inter-dependence can be one of the stickiest issues that people and couples have to deal with.
If you're "too" independent in relationships, there's little or no connection--no matter what kind of relationship it is.There may be great love but the other person can feel like something is missing in the relationship and that he/she is being held at arm's length.
If you're "too" dependent, the other person can feel smothered and search for every opportunity to have some freedom.
We see this dynamic a lot in couples who struggle with jealousy but it can happen from time to time in any
relationship.
So how do you cope with varying desires for freedom and inter-dependence--while still keeping a close,
connected, open, loving relationship?
How do you balance and honor a need for independence as well as keep a strong connection?
Here are some of our ideas...
1. Listen to yourself and know what you want
We know that we sound like a broken record but in order
to connect with another person, you have to learn to
connect with yourself. Don't bury your feelings, thinking
that you are being "kind" in acting in a certain way that
you think the other person wants or needs.
Not necessarily true.
You can't assume that you know best for the other
person. You can only listen to what's inside you
and then let the other person know in a way that
keeps both of you open.
2. Listen to the other person with an open heart and
stay in the present moment
Listening with an open heart means not assuming
and jumping to conclusions. It also means staying
in the "here and now," without leaping to the future
or staying stuck in the past.
All kinds of fears can come up when you tackle these
independence/inter-dependence issues and your
best line of defense is to stay focused on the present
moment.
Don't play the "what if" game. It always brings up
fears that usually don't materialize.
3. Express what you want in a way that opens the
door between the two of you and isn't defensive,
controlling or demanding.
When you adopt a defensive manner when you
are expressing what you want, the other person
usually energetically "steps back" and can shut
down any connection or line of communication.
Be aware of your energy as you express
yourself. If you're unclear how you "come off"
to others, ask a trusted friend for some honest
feedback.
Become aware of your tone of voice, your non-verbal
mannerisms and your words. You may be surprised
at the feedback that you get when you ask.
Love is all about respecting and honoring each other--and that includes honoring and understanding each other's needs for independence and inter-dependence.
