Love and Relationship Advice Blog

Whether we know it our not--we all want to connect deeper with someone or something. We might connect with animals instead of people but we all feel better when we are connected.

In committed relationships, that connection that we may have felt in the beginning of our relationship may come and go--and when it goes, we really feel it.

Here's a question along those lines from a woman...

"I have a question. My boyfriend and I have been together for about 4 years. We were engaged but recently we have been having some problems. He says that he doesn't feel a connection to me anymore, but he wants to work on getting the connection back. How do you go about getting the connection back in your relationship? I still love him more than anything in the world, he is the one who's feeling unsure about our relationship."

Connection is something that we can take for granted until we feel its absence. Here are a few suggestions for getting a connection back...

It's great that your boyfriend was honest with you about his feeling a lack of connection with you and he wants to get it back. We know that it doesn't feel great right now but it's much better to identify the "elephant" between the two of you than to bury it and pretend that it isn't there.

So here's what we suggest...

1. Talk about what you each want in your relationship. Chances are the "romance" may have faded a bit between the two of you--or it might be other things that you want more of that you aren't presently getting.
You say you love him--what do you want that love and your relationship to look like? He also needs to search his feelings and decide what kind of relationship he wants.

2. You both may have fallen into the "same old, same old" and you may not have felt it but he does. Do something fun together that you haven't done in a long time. Laugh together. Take a trip together. No, a trip doesn't solve deep problems in a relationship but it can help you to reconnect with why you feel in love with each other.

3. Practice being very honest with each other about what you are feeling and practice listening to each other. If you find that you are closing your hearts to each other, then open them.

4. If you can't seem to break-through this on your own, get the help from a coach or therapist who can help you both sort through your feelings.

Whatever you do, don't get married until you both feel that this is right. There may be many reasons for someone feeling disconnection and they might not have anything to do with you. The secret lies in looking inside oneself and being honest with what you are both feeling.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 12:27 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

We've all have had to deal with tragedy at some level at different times in our lives. It might have been personal injury or disease, the lose of a job, the death of a loved one, or the death of a relationship.

This week, just like you, we've watched as the story from Blacksburg, Virginia and Virginia Tech has unfolded about a very troubled student and how his rage ended in tragedy for many families.

Whether we know anyone at Virginia Tech or not, we all have been affected on some level by the massacre that happened there this week.

We've watched as the students and people from all over the world have come together for comfort and support,
calling themselves a family.

We've also watched as commentators have blamed the officials in one way or another. We all have different meanings and interpretations about what it all means to us.

So the question is--How do we deal with this tragedy or with any tragedy in our lives?

How do we still find love in our hearts and how do we still open to one another in spite of the chaos and senseless tragedies that frequently happen in every corner of the earth and in our lives?

When 9/11 happened, the two of us were attending a spiritual retreat and one of our wise teachers told us
something that we'll never forget.

She counseled us to keep in touch with what was going on in the world but to remain centered. According to our teacher, you "remain centered" by finding the silence within yourself where you feel only love. You can find
this silence in prayer or meditation. Meditation can take many forms--seated meditation, dance meditation, fishing, running, hiking, in the shower or even sitting on a crowded bus.

At that retreat, we also had the feeling of being supported by our "family" during this time of fear and uncertainty, in much the same way that we've seen the students at Virginia Tech drawing together in love this week.

In the face of any tragedy, whether it's one that touches many people or just you and your family, we suggest that you draw together for love, comfort and support but also allow yourself to move into the silence within yourself.

Take a moment when you start to feel overwhelmed, quiet your mind and feel yourself go within, feeling only divine love.

If the chatter and fear in your mind starts getting loud, bring yourself into the present moment instead of dwelling on the past or worrying about potential future events that may never happen.

Make a choice to focus on love instead of the pain.

You don't need to sit for long periods of time to feel the changes that will happen if you do this periodically during the day. It often just takes a change of focus and the silence can support that change.

We recently listened to one of Wayne Dyer's tape sets where he quoted Herman Melville who said "God's one
and only voice is silence."

That's what happens in meditation--you find "God's one and only voice."

No matter what has happened in your life, these short periods of replenishing silence will help you to mourn
when you need to mourn, help you to feel what you need to feel and to help you let go of what you need
to let go of in order to move forward in your life.

It doesn't mean that you can't feel anger, hurt, sadness because those are all natural emotions to feel when
there is tragedy. We are saying to do what you can to focus on love instead of hate and the best way to start
is by becoming centered within yourself.

Maybe, just maybe, if you focus on love and we focus on love, and our neighbor focuses on love--even though
there is tragedy in the world--peace may become a reality on this magnificent earth. This is our hope.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 12:48 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

One of the common denominators that many people who have jealousy as an issue have is that they experienced a betrayal in the past and they are transfering those feelings to their current partner who is really innocent.

Here's what one woman recently wrote to us...

"I have been with my boyfriend for nearly a year and a half now, and he is the most perfect guy you could ever meet. He does everything for me. But all of a sudden, I have started getting really paranoid about whether he could be cheating on me or not. In my last relationship, my boyfriend cheated on me after 2 years and i did find it realy hard to let go. I know he would never cheat on me, and there are no signs that he could be, but i can not get these evil thoughts out of my head!!! I have told my boyfriend and he has tried to reassure me, but I still get them and I fear that I am starting to really upset him! Please help me, as I feel I'm starting to ruin my relationship."

This woman knows that she has to start doing something different and here's what we suggest...

Okay, you know that these jealous feelings that you are having are coming from thoughts and fears that have nothing to do with the present and have everything to do with your past. You are allowing yourself and your thoughts to stay stuck in the past. For some reason, you are clinging to this other relationship and your feeling of being a victim and not allowing yourself to embrace and enjoy your current partner who totally loves you.

Many times we cling to the past when we feel like we've been wronged, without resolving these feelings. When we don't resolve our feelings from the past, we carry them over to current relationships and can end up ruining them in the process.

So, we suggest that you do a couple of things...

1. Do a ritual to lay this past relationship to rest. Write a letter to your previous partner, telling him how much he hurt you and if possible, in this letter tell him how much you appreciate him leaving so that you could be open to having this relationship which is so much better. If you can, forgive him for what he did to you. We know that forgiveness can be very difficult but if you continue to carry this bitterness toward this partner, you will risk losing your current partner. So try to let go of holding on to being a victim and forgive him. Forgiveness doesn't mean condoning his actions. Forgiveness means that you are no longer going to carry this hurt around with you. Now burn the letter, ritual style. See the energy that you've been carrying lift away from you.

2. Now whenever your thoughts go to your current partner cheating on you, you have to change the story in your head to what's happening in the present moment and what you want in the future. You can tell yourself something like this--"My love totally loves me and I feel safe and secure."

If you do these things and not allow those thoughts of cheating to roll around in your head, you will be well on your way to healing.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 11:03 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Sometimes we feel that people outside of our relationships are tearing them apart. We get angry with the other person and try to "fix" it but the situation just seems to get worse.

Here's a letter from one of our readers who is in this kind of situation...

"What do you think of a brother who does everything his sister tells him to do? We have been togegher for 16 years, we live together,we have two cute kids togther, we have our hopes and dreams. But his sister doesn't like me because I have put her in her place, telling her to keep her nose out of our issues. She acts like a captain--"You do what I say and that's final." I have told her to worry about her family issues and to leave mine alone, that I am capable of taking of my own family and I don't need her negative statements. Ever since then, she has try her best to set her brother against me in any way she could find. It started to irritate me at a level that I try to control but I swear that I am so close to exploding. What do I do?"

Here's our reply to

It sounds like you've got some major issues that you need to resolve with your partner. You both need to sit down and talk about how you want your relationship to be together. Let each other talk without censoring, making wrong or getting defensive. You nee to listen to him about how he feels about this situation and then you tell him how it is that you feel. Together, you need to come up with a solution. It may be hard for him to go against his sister for any number of reasons and you need to find out why it's hard for him.

Attacking her is not the way to go. You have to get it straight what's going on inside him--where his fear is, why it's there, and if he's willing to tackle it. He has to decide whether he can be in this relationship with you the way you want or not. In other words, he has to be willing to lovingly stand up for your relationship.

Whatever's causing this woman to do things that you consider interfering with your relationship, you need to turn to him and resolve the problems between the two of you--because if the two of you are solid, no one can break you up.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 01:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Many of us are starting new ventures and leaving people, jobs or old ways of being for more of what we want in our lives.

The two of us are in the process of doing some remodeling to get our 130 year old house ready to sell so that we can relocate in a larger city about an hour away. With this preparation for our move, we're dealing with issues from our past, as well as some fears.

We know that this process of letting go of the past and moving into a more empowering future--whether it is about a relationship, job or location--is a normal one and one that all of us face from time to time.

So how do you move through this process of letting go of the past and moving on in an empowering way?

Leave it to a bat to re-teach us some valuable lessons about letting go and moving on in life.

Because we live in an older home in the woods, an occasional bat finds its way inside a few times each year. As you can guess, it's always an unnerving experience when a bat flies through the living room.

We've adopted a gentle approach to the bats and simply open the door and after a few minutes of circling and
swooping, the bat leaves.

This time it was a different experience.

We had a bat who wouldn't leave. It circled for a few minutes for three nights and then would disappear. Finally last night we were determined that it was time for it to leave.

After about two hours of opening the door when it flew into the living room and having it swoop to another part of the house, we decided that something was keeping it from finding the door.

As soon as Otto turned off the television and moved a chair that might have been an obstacle to the door, the bat circled into the room and flew out.

What a relief and also what a learning experience!

The bat couldn't move on to what it wanted until the noise was silenced and the obstacle was moved.

So the question is...

What inner or out noise do you need to silence and what obstacle do you need to move in order to move
toward what you want?

For Susie, it's silencing the inner "noise" of fear and self doubt about leaving a place that she's lived for almost
40 years. The obstacles that she needs to move are the attachments to the past that hold her to the house
and its surrounding.

Looking toward and focusing on what you want is one of the best ways we know to empower yourself in this
kind of process.

For you, it may be something very different but for all of us, there are always ways that we can silence our
critical self-talk or negative stories in our minds and move obstacles that are in our way of having what
we want.

We invite you to consider what it is that you want to move on to in your life and look at what prevents you from moving toward having it.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 01:38 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)