Tips on Easing the Pain after a Break up or Divorce
One of the most painful events you can go through in your life is the loss of a partner--whether it be from death or from divorce. The effects of the stress of these life changing events are well documented and there are many variations of life stressor lists and what these stressors do to us.
At the top of most lists is death of spouse/partner and this particular list that we found includes divorce and separation as the #2 and #3 stressors.
So coming through a divorce or separation with ease and with as little pain as possible is usually a pretty difficult thing to do.
Here are a few things that we've found to ease the pain after a break up or divorce and help you to get on with your life...
1. While it's very important to think of your separation or divorce as a death (which it certainly is), it's also important not to stay stuck there. If you find that you are telling the same people the same story over and over or if you are going to restaurants where the two of you went or watching the shows that the two of you watched or listen to the music that the two of you listened to, we suggest that you stop. Each time that you do those things, you are opening yourself to reliving the pain of the past. While it's important to remember good memories or even the bad ones to remind you why you left if you were the one who left, choose to not stay in the past.
2. Mourn actively. You might try to make some completions around this relationship. It's often helpful to burn old letters or other things that remind you of your relationship to symbolically let it transform into another form. You might return items of your partner or retrieve your items. Ask yourself this question--What completions do I need to feel more complete?
3. Look at your relationship from the vantage point of the present moment and not from what you hoped could have been. See your situation from realistic eyes instead of those filled with guilt or regrets. If you have something to feel guilty about, decide if you want to apologize to the other person. It may be just as effective to write a letter of apology to your previous partner and then burn it ceremonially.
If you have regrets, you may want to write those regrets in a letter and burn it. Don't hang onto old feelings in the past because you will only re-create them with someone new.
4. Begin to look at what you want your life to be like now that you are no longer in this relationship. Begin to look forward and not backward.
Know that having painful feelings is normal after a break up or divorce and doing some mourning of the relationship is good. But it's also important and even vital to your health and well-being to do some active things to put closure on that relationship, learn from it and move into your life without that person--which can actually be even more wonderful--believe it or not.
