Chat Site Flirting--What to do when it creates Jealousy
Here's a good question from one of our web site visitors that we're sure is a problem that many face who struggle with the challenge of jealousy.
Here's what our visitor wrote...
"My firlfriend and I are on a chat site. She is constantly being flirted with. While I have learnd to control my jealousy, I still don't like it. So now I guess the question is, "How do I learn to like something like that?"
Here's what we told him...
The biggest question we have about the question you asked is how does your girlfriend respond to being flirted with and does she seem open to the flirtations?
If the two of you really are together as a couple, the real thing that you need to do is to begin to create some agreements between the two of you out about how you're going to be together.
If things are going on within your relationship that you are not happy about and if they cross boundaries in your mind, you need to talk with your girlfriend about these things and not just let them lay within you without talking about them.
While it's certainly true that it's a good idea to learn to control your jealousy, it sounds like in this situation you need to get very clear what you want and don't want in your relationship--and what your girlfriend wants and doesn't want in a relationship.
You have to both define what kind of relationship that you each want.
We realize that you probably are in a much different situation than we are since we are in a committed marriage but... if someone were flirting with one of us on a regular basis, we would act very quickly to resolve it. First we would talk about the situation and then we would also possibly talk to the other people about conduct that is inappropriate. In your situation, it might not be appropriate to talk to the other men who are flirting with your girlfriend but it would be a good idea to talk with your girlfriend--without making accusations.
Part of the magic in talking to her about this situation is how you approach the situation. Don't approach it from a demanding sort of place but approach it from a place of wanting help in dealing with this situation. Express your feelings and listen and be open to wanting to understand what's going on within her. Tell her about your desire to create more closeness and so forth.
If your girlfriend is open to the flirtations of other men, there may be something going on inside her that the two of you need to get out in the open--even though she may say that she isn't interested in the other men.
Jealousy is just like any other emotion that comes up. It's a sign for us to take a look at what's underneath the jealousy and allow those emotions, thoughts and beliefs to surface so you can deal with them. That is the work to be done in this particular situation.
