Love and Relationship Advice Blog

We've heard of a lot of crazy things but one of the craziest is the idea of choosing 7/7/07 for your wedding date will help you to have good luck in your marriage.

As Relationship Coaches, we know that it takes much, much more than choosing a "lucky" day for your wedding ceremony.

Here are some of ideas of what we're talking about...

Here are some suggestions that we've used in our marriage to create and keep our connection, passion and aliveness throughout the years:

1. Honor and learn from the other's differences.
2. Set your intention to create more ease and flow in your relationship.
3. Commit to spending time together--talking, having fun, making love. Keep your marriage a priority.
4. Let go of the need to be right.
5. Don't try to change the other person. They have to want to change themselves.
6. Learn to be confident of who you are in your own skin.
7. Don't assume anything.
8. Appreciate each other every day.
9. LIsten with love and without being defensive.
10. Speak your truth with an open, loving heart.

Our wish to all of you who have decided to commit to each other to be married partners is that you will treat each other with respect, kindness and love at every step of the way and that you continue to grow within your relationship with each other.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 10:36 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Here's a question from one of our web site visitors that certainly may hit home for more than one person--

"I have been married for 3yrs and my husband makes jokes about having sex with other girls. How do I make this not bother me?"

The answer to your question about how to not let your husband's comments bother you is to simply deaden yourself and not care about yourself or the relationship anymore.

We think that you may be asking us the wrong question. In our opinion, the right question to be asking yourself might be "Do his comments bother me?"

If his comments do bother you, (and from your question we're guessing they do) you're going to want to let your husband know how much his comments hurt you. Continue to tell him how much his comments hurt you and don't stop until he stops with the jokes about having sex with other girls.

If your agreement in your marriage is that both of you will be monogamous, his comments are disrespectful and break this agreement. If you do not have a clear agreement about monogamy, then now is the time to find out what your agreements.

So often people in marriages aren't clear about their agreements. They are assumed and often these assumptions are different for each person.

We suggest that you get on the same page. Have a discussion without accusing him of anything. Just find out how you each feel about monogamy in your marriage.

We also suggest that you find out his motivation for these hurtful comments. Does he actually want to have sex with another woman? Does he just want to control you?

Is he saying these things to get a rise out of you and upset you so that he can feel good about himself and how desirable he may be both to you and to other people?

They may be coming from boredom and most likely fear.

Whatever the reason, it good to attempt find the motivation for these comments and listening to him is the only way to do that.

In any case, unless you want to stay in a pain-filled relationship with your husband you're going to have to find a way to let him know that his comments are unacceptable to you and that you won't stand for it.

If you choose to continue to allow your husband to say these kind of things and not tell him how much they bother you, then that kind of relationship you have is probably what you're going to have forever if you don't make some drastic changes in the way the relationship is.

We don't say this to alarm you but to simply to point out what we're seeing, thinking, and feeling about your comments about your relationship.

This is a difficult place you're in but you must be strong and if you are committed to having a better relationship, you have to take a positive step towards it. It all starts with you and what it is you want and what you're no longer willing to settle for any more.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 12:06 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Here's a good question from one of our web site visitors that we're sure is a problem that many face who struggle with the challenge of jealousy.

Here's what our visitor wrote...

"My firlfriend and I are on a chat site. She is constantly being flirted with. While I have learnd to control my jealousy, I still don't like it. So now I guess the question is, "How do I learn to like something like that?"

Here's what we told him...

The biggest question we have about the question you asked is how does your girlfriend respond to being flirted with and does she seem open to the flirtations?

If the two of you really are together as a couple, the real thing that you need to do is to begin to create some agreements between the two of you out about how you're going to be together.

If things are going on within your relationship that you are not happy about and if they cross boundaries in your mind, you need to talk with your girlfriend about these things and not just let them lay within you without talking about them.

While it's certainly true that it's a good idea to learn to control your jealousy, it sounds like in this situation you need to get very clear what you want and don't want in your relationship--and what your girlfriend wants and doesn't want in a relationship.

You have to both define what kind of relationship that you each want.

We realize that you probably are in a much different situation than we are since we are in a committed marriage but... if someone were flirting with one of us on a regular basis, we would act very quickly to resolve it. First we would talk about the situation and then we would also possibly talk to the other people about conduct that is inappropriate. In your situation, it might not be appropriate to talk to the other men who are flirting with your girlfriend but it would be a good idea to talk with your girlfriend--without making accusations.

Part of the magic in talking to her about this situation is how you approach the situation. Don't approach it from a demanding sort of place but approach it from a place of wanting help in dealing with this situation. Express your feelings and listen and be open to wanting to understand what's going on within her. Tell her about your desire to create more closeness and so forth.

If your girlfriend is open to the flirtations of other men, there may be something going on inside her that the two of you need to get out in the open--even though she may say that she isn't interested in the other men.

Jealousy is just like any other emotion that comes up. It's a sign for us to take a look at what's underneath the jealousy and allow those emotions, thoughts and beliefs to surface so you can deal with them. That is the work to be done in this particular situation.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 11:17 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

If you want to create a great (or even good) relationship or marriage, here's something you might want to keep an eye open for...

Whether you are currently in a marriage, in a long-term relationship, at the beginning stages of coming together with someone or not with a partner at the present time--one of the best ways we know of to begin creating the kind of relationship that you want is to keep your eyes open for role models.

Role models are everywhere and you don't even have to know or even talk to them for them to an inspiration for you.

Here's some info that might explain what we mean...

We found an article in the March/April 2007 AARP magazine about an 86 year old surfer, Dorian (Doc)Paskowitz. He's been married to Juliette, who is 75 years old, for 48 years.

When Juliette was asked what their secret was for staying happily married for so long, she said, "You have to find someone you want to make love to for the rest of your life."

Doc and Juliette seemed to have found that because Doc made it known to the authors of this article that they still make love at least three times a week.

Are they the best role models for everyone?

Of course not. But they are an inspiration for some of us because they show what's possible for us even late in life.

That's the beauty about role models. We get to pick and choose the ideas that inspire us and those that we would like to embrace from the lives of others and throw the rest away.

A couple of our personal role models in the beginning of our relationship were Kenny and Julia Loggins. We were so taken by the way that they authentically related to one another and were so emotionally transparent with each other. Their book, "The Unimaginable Life," inspired us and we incorporated many of their ideas into our own relationship as we were "growing" into it.

The point is to open yourself to learning from others--even from some unlikely places--in ways that expand your thinking but also are in alignment with what you want in your relationship and your life.

As you are reading this, you might be thinking something like this...

"That's all well and good but my partner isn't open to growing and doesn't want changes. He/she likes our relationship the way it is and I want more."

We hear this quite a lot from people who have lost the spark that was once there between them and they have settled into friendly or not-so-friendly co-habitation.

While there's nothing wrong with friendly or not-so-friendly co-habitation if that's what you want, there's usually one person who wants more.

So what do you do?

If you are committed to the relationship, we suggest that you still look for role models--but look beyond the obvious for ideas of how to create a better, happier life for yourself.

For example, you might focus on where the two of you "overlap" instead of focusing on your disconnection and disappointments.

You might take a new look at yourself and see if you have gotten yourself into a power struggle and holding onto being right about something that is separating the two of you.

There usually are no easy answers in this scenario but there can rather be an openness to move toward what you truly want.

If you are currently not in a relationship and want to be, how do you choose your role models and the ideas that
you want to embrace for creating a new relationship?

We've discovered that asking ourselves this question usually separates the wheat from the chaff...

"What makes my heart sing?"

If you are currently not in a relationship and want to be, you have a great opportunity to start gathering ideas that create a crystal, clear picture of what you want.

Have fun with it. Pay attention to what makes your heart sing and keep a record of it somewhere where you can
see it often.

Whether you are currently in a relationship and want to make it better or you aren't with a partner at this time--keep your eyes open for role models, ideas and images that ring true for you.

Your future is in your hands. Take hold of it and go for what you want.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 12:23 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

One of the most painful events you can go through in your life is the loss of a partner--whether it be from death or from divorce. The effects of the stress of these life changing events are well documented and there are many variations of life stressor lists and what these stressors do to us.

At the top of most lists is death of spouse/partner and this particular list that we found includes divorce and separation as the #2 and #3 stressors.

So coming through a divorce or separation with ease and with as little pain as possible is usually a pretty difficult thing to do.

Here are a few things that we've found to ease the pain after a break up or divorce and help you to get on with your life...

1. While it's very important to think of your separation or divorce as a death (which it certainly is), it's also important not to stay stuck there. If you find that you are telling the same people the same story over and over or if you are going to restaurants where the two of you went or watching the shows that the two of you watched or listen to the music that the two of you listened to, we suggest that you stop. Each time that you do those things, you are opening yourself to reliving the pain of the past. While it's important to remember good memories or even the bad ones to remind you why you left if you were the one who left, choose to not stay in the past.

2. Mourn actively. You might try to make some completions around this relationship. It's often helpful to burn old letters or other things that remind you of your relationship to symbolically let it transform into another form. You might return items of your partner or retrieve your items. Ask yourself this question--What completions do I need to feel more complete?

3. Look at your relationship from the vantage point of the present moment and not from what you hoped could have been. See your situation from realistic eyes instead of those filled with guilt or regrets. If you have something to feel guilty about, decide if you want to apologize to the other person. It may be just as effective to write a letter of apology to your previous partner and then burn it ceremonially.

If you have regrets, you may want to write those regrets in a letter and burn it. Don't hang onto old feelings in the past because you will only re-create them with someone new.

4. Begin to look at what you want your life to be like now that you are no longer in this relationship. Begin to look forward and not backward.

Know that having painful feelings is normal after a break up or divorce and doing some mourning of the relationship is good. But it's also important and even vital to your health and well-being to do some active things to put closure on that relationship, learn from it and move into your life without that person--which can actually be even more wonderful--believe it or not.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 01:03 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)