Love and Relationship Advice Blog

The other day we were sent a link to a very short video called "How Men Screw Up Romance." In this short video, a beautiful woman walks seductively to a spa-type bathtub and eases herself into the water. As she's enjoying herself in the peace and quiet, a man jumps into the bath, splashing water everywhere, holding his beer. In the next shot, he looks bewildered.

The short film is funny but it's also sad. It's sad because if men just paid attention to what women really want, they could have what they want.

We'll explain...

In the March 2007 issue of Men's Health magazine, the results of a survey of 1000 women says it all. The magazine asked the women to rate nonsexual foreplay tactics that would put her in the "mood."

What came up highest in this survey were these simple things...

--We laugh together, watching a tv show or movie
--He cooks dinner and cleans up
--He surprises me with a sentimental gift
--He unexpectedly draws me a bath

Being romantic doesn't have to be something difficult or costly. For a man to be considered "romantic," it really means tuning in to his partner and listening to what she would enjoy.

While it's certainly true that all women do not enjoy or consider the the same things as "romantic," all a man really has to do is pay attention to what she wants. It might be some peace and quiet time away from the kids while you take over. It might be cleaning up your area without her asking. It might be bringing her a cup of tea or glass of wine after a hard day at work. It might be offering to give her a foot massage.

What we're saying is that this "romance" thing is often harder than it has to be. When you look at her with love, without expectation, it can be the most romantic thing you can do.

So if you want to be more romantic, simplify it and take the stress out of providing her with an expensive dinner or flowers (not that that isn't good too). Try the small things and see what happens.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 01:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

A relationship resulting in a separation can be a very painful experience, no matter who wants it, and usually is life-alterating.

Here are a couple of questions from one of our readers that we're sure are on the minds of many other people who are in similar situations...

"What if when you focus on your life, you find that you'd love the company of the other, and their goal is to separate and 'find themselves'? How can you give yourself the gift of another's company when their gift to themselves is to be without your company?"

Separation is hard enough when both people agree on it but harder still when one person wants it and the other person doesn't. Here are a few thoughts adapted from our course "How to Heal Your Broken Heart" that may shed some light on this problem...

After a breakup, separation, or divorce, it’s normal to feel disoriented and at "loose ends" in your life because everything has just been turned upside down--especially when one person wanted the separation and the other one didn't. The question of who you are now depends on you. You have the choice to be a person who clings to the past or the person who is beginning to look to the possibilities of the future. While it’s certainly not easy to go from a painful separation to a thought process of possibilities, this is the work to be done. The fact is—you are a person who can do anything you want with your life if you want to do it badly enough.

The challenge for a lot of people who have gone through a separation is that they have tied their identity to a particular relationship or way of being. You are not that relationship. You are someone who was in a relationship and had a set of experiences. Whether you realize it or not, everything you do in your life and everything you experience is as a result of the beliefs you hold and the choices you make as a result of those beliefs.

Who you are now will be determined almost exclusively by what you believe about who you are now that the separation has happened. The good news is that if you don’t like who you think you are because of the breakup or divorce, you can change it. You or anyone can change the belief you are holding about who you are in light of this one particular event.

The place to begin is to make a list of what you want in your new life and what you want it to look like. Then move toward your new life by allowing it to happen.

Another strategy toward living and loving your life again is to accept the thought that we’re all in relationships to learn and to take some time to learn from what has happened. Take some time and start looking objectively at your relationship that ended.

Ask yourself why this relationship really ended (it may not be what appears on the surface) and then focus on what you learned through this experience. Take your share of responsibility for the relationship breakup without placing blame on you or your partner.

Make a list of all the ways that this relationship or marriage has made you better, stronger, and more capable. In other words, look back at this relationship with new eyes to see how it has served you, even though you may still be in a great deal of pain because of it. No matter how small or large, make a list of all the ways that you are better by being in that relationship.

It might be that you realize that you have grown emotionally in some way. It might be that you realize that you need to do some things differently in your next relationship. There’s always some learning to be grateful for from all your relationships if you look hard enough.

While mourning a relationship that is ending or has ending is natural and necessary, we invite you to not stay stuck there but to begin embracing your new life. Even though it may sound impossible, you can begin to move on and find happiness again.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 04:50 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

The recent conduct of Lisa Marie Nowak, a NASA astronaut,has been splashed over the internet, print, television, radio--and just about any other means of communication for a couple of reasons--

1. It's pretty unusual for a NASA astronaut to be caught up in potential charges that Lisa might be facing
2. The story and her conduct in itself are very bizarre

Because we have written a very successful course on eliminating jealousy,a free mini-course that many people find of value, as well as helping many coaching clients with jealousy problems, we have a lot of interaction with people who are jealous.

Although we do not claim that the majority of people go as far as Lisa Nowak did, driven by their jealous behavior, we do say that jealousy can take over one's mind and body to the extent that the person feels like they are not in control of themselves and they end up doing and saying things that they deeply regret later.

If jealousy is a problem in your life, here are some suggestions...

What's the solution? Believe it or not, there are some ways to heal jealousy if you are willing to make some changes in your life. While we have no idea if Lisa Nowak has the desire to heal her jealousy, we do know that it is possible for those who truly want to live a life free of this kind of drama.

Here are a few suggestions for healing jealousy...

1. Jealous feelings result from real or imagined fears that the relationship will be taken away. The first thing is to determine whether the fears result from real or imagined events.

2. When triggered by jealousy, breathe and keep focused on what's truly happening in situations. Don't listen to the stories that are made up in your mind and absolutely don't act from those stories in a way that is harmful to anyone. When people react from their jealousy and harm someone else--whether it's the supposed cheater or the person taking their partner away from them--they only hurt themselves as has been demonstrated by the NASA astronaut.

3. Create a plan for healing jealousy. If there's truth to your suspicions, deal with that truth in a straightforward way. If there's no truth and nothing currently "causing" jealous behavior, decide to heal it and take steps to change. Jealousy can be healed. It just takes courage, commitment and learning some new skills.

If jealousy is a problem for you right now, take a step toward healing and creating the life and relationship that you've always wanted. We suggest that you begin with our free course.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 02:56 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)