Marriage: How to Cope with Changes throughout the Years
One of the challenges in a long-term marriage or relationship is that the two people change through the years and these changes usually cause conflicts and disagreements.
Here's a question from a woman who is facing this kind of challenge in her long-term relationship and our advice to her...
"I have been battling with my husband of 25 years lately about the changes he has made in our marriage. He recently started playing poker with his buddies (which is fine). He stays at this guys house until 2:00 - 3:00 AM in the morning playing poker. I have come to deal with that since he doesn't do it often and not more than once a week.
"After that he started going religiously every Friday afternoon to sit and have a few beers with this same guy. He is never too busy to do this.
"I do not like this person. I feel he is a bad influence on my husband and I have asked him to curtail the amount of time he spends with him. Instead now - we are being invited every weekend to go hang out with him and his wife. I am okay with everyone now and then, but not every weekend.
"He thinks I am being ridiculous. When I ask him to do things around the house - he is too busy. I have compromised and told him that I will hang out with this guy once a month, but not every weekend. He tells me he will do what he wants and if I have a problem with it, I can pack my bags and leave.
"Remember - this isn't how my husband has ever acted in the past. He respected my feelings and at least tried to understand how I felt. Now, I just get this cold shoulder and he says he will do what he wants with no regard to my feelings or respect for how I feel.
"This guy goes to bars late at night without his wife and thinks that is okay. He drinks too much and is an alcoholic. He is dragging my husband right along with him and I do not like it.
"What do I do? We continually fight about this over and over and it just seems that my husband just hangs out with him more and more. What is it about this guy that he is willing to jeopardize his 25 year marriage over?"
Here's our advice...
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Apparently, there's something that your husband finds fulfilling, fun, exciting (or he's getting some other need met) by being with his friend that he does not get in any other part of his life. While we don't know your husband's age, we're guessing that if you've been married that long, he's ripe for a mid-life crisis.
We've found that many men and women can both wake up one day, especially in their 50's, look at their lives and say to themselves, "Is that all there is?" That's how many people find themselves in affairs outside their marriage and other destructive ways of dealing with these feelings--something like what you see your husband doing.
You ask, "What is it about this guy that he is willing to jeopardize his 25 year marriage over?" and of course, we don't really know his reasons but whatever they are, your husband feels that being friends with this man and taking on his way of life is very important to him--so important that he has told you that if you aren't happy with these changes, you can leave.
We in no way are suggesting that you leave a 25 year marriage without first trying to save it. Here are some things that we recommend that you do...
1. Decide what you want in a marriage or relationship. Make a list and don't just put down "The way it used to be." Really dig deep and write down how you would like to be treated and how you would like to spend your time with a mate.
2. If your husband doesn't want to talk about the kind of relationship that you want (it doesn't sound like he does), we'd suggest that you find a therapist or coach who can support you as you work your way through deciding what you want for your life. You need support and you need a clear head to listen to you to help you sort out what you are and are not willing to have in your life.
3. Devise a plan for moving forward in your life--whichever direction you decide to take. Enlist the help of friends or family who will be a good support system for you.
People change throughout the years and if they are part of a couple, they can decide whether to change in ways that positively or negatively affect the relationship. It is a choice and in the end, everyone has to realize that each person has that choice. So do you.
