1. First of all, we all have different definitions of what being treated "special" means to us and some of us may not even want to be treated "special." Since we all have had different experiences from which we have formed our beliefs and attitudes, this is a very common pitfall that anyone can fall into when their belief system says this--

LOVE = Treating someone special in ways that "I" think are special and in ways that I would want to be treated.

The other person can and often does equate this "special" treatment with being controlled or being smothered. The person who gives the "special" treatment meets resistance, anger or withdrawal and has no clue why it happened.

A good example of this happened in our friend's life. She had been dating a man for awhile and had fallen into the habit of "doing" things for him that he usually didn't appreciate. One time, she cleaned out his garage as a surprise for him and he was really upset with her when he found out what she had done. He felt controlled and manipulated by her actions and she was only trying to help him and make him feel "special." Her "good" intentions backfired and she wondered why he had such a strong negative reaction to her actions.

They just weren't on the same "page" with what they each considered to be an expression of love.

2. We would suggest that the person who wants to treat another "special" take some time to examine his/her motivation in doing so. While there's certainly nothing wrong in treating a loved one as the special person they are in your life, it can get you into big trouble if your motivation is to get something in return for doing it.

If this is your challenge, you might say that your intentions and motivations are only to give love--but on a closer look, are they?

Often, there's an unspoken assumption that "if I do this for you, you will give me the love or attention that I want in return." It usually backfires and the giver feels empty and not appreciated, valued or loved.

The friend in our example wanted her boyfriend to show his gratitude and appreciation for what she had done and she wanted his attention. "Doing" for others was a way that she could by-pass truly looking inside herself for what she wanted. She just "expected" to get what she wanted in return.

While we all like receiving gratitude and appreciation, doing things for others with the idea that you are going to get them in return can lead you down a long, lonely road.

If you do things for others with unspoken expectations of what you want in return, it usually ends up being painful for all involved.

Not only would it have been better for our friend to have found out if her boyfriend wanted his garage cleaned out and if he wanted her to do it, but it also would have been healthier if she would have examined her motives in doing it in the first place. If she wanted more of his attention, she could have talked with him about how she would like their relationship to be and listened with an open heart to find out how he would like it to be--which had nothing to do with cleaning the garage.

She may or may not have gotten the answers that she wanted but they may have been able to come to an agreement about their relationship that would have suited them both.

Here are our comments to the second question from our newsletter subscriber--that go along with the first question...

How do you become someone who can attract more love, passion and connection?

1. Adopt an attitude of openness. We all close ourselves off from others when we feel fearful or any number of other emotions. When we feel ourselves closing, practice challenging that closing and open your heart.

2. Take a look at your rules. We all have rules by which we run our lives. Some rules serve us and some don't. When we clash with loved ones (or anyone for that matter), it's usually a rules violation. When there's a challenge, learn to look at your rules from an objective place and decide if this is a rule that you can relax and possibly look at from someone else's view or if it's one that you feel you have to remain rigid in upholding.

3. Ask before suggesting or doing. So often we act only from our point of view and experiences. We offer advice, comments, or help without knowing whether the other person is open and wants the advice, comments or help. Always ask first.

4. Listen with an open heart. The art of listening isn't taught and few of us truly do it. As someone else is talking, there's usually a dialogue going on in our own heads and we aren't truly present when others speak. The practice of listening with an open heart (without defending oneself) is one of the best ways we've found to attract more passion, love and connection into your life.

5. Find healthy ways to show your love. Be clear about your expectations and motivations, find out how the other person likes to be loved and make agreements when they are needed. If you get caught in the "doing for
others to get love" trap and it's not working, then stop your habitual "doing" and find some other way to express
your love. Instead of expensive gifts that are unappreciated, you might want to truly be present with your partner and enjoy their company.

6. Ask for what you want from a place of openness and love. Get to know yourself and then start creating your
relationship the way you both want it to be--by focusing on what you want rather than what you don't want.

We are all in relationships to heal, learn, grow and yes, to enjoy life. If you are having challenges, take whatever of our suggestions that speak to you and try them. If you do, we think that you will start seeing some positive changes in your life.