Love and Relationship Advice Blog

One of the biggest problems that many couples face is finding themselves in the situation where one person is happy with the relationship the way it is and the other person wants to make changes to make the relationship better.

Even if you are in a really good relationship, there's usually something that one person might want and the other person doesn't or isn't interested in changing.

Here's what one of our newsletter subscribers asked...

"If you are looking to change the relationship, whether it is for more passion or something else, and your partner is not interested, is the only option breaking up? I feel like if you stay together knowing you are looking for something different or more, you may have regrets later in life. Is that true?"

While the decision of whether to leave a relationship, for whatever reason, is certainly an individual one, we believe that there are some ways to explore to see if other options emerge if you are in this kind of situation.

First of all, there are many reasons why people come together and stay together and it's helpful to look at the reasons that brought you together in the first place.

Here are just a few possibilities...

*to get out of a bad home-life situation
*safety and security
*friendship
*desire to create a family with children
*to be taken care of or to take care of someone
*passion and love

You might ask yourself what motivated you to be with this person and if possible, ask your partner the same question.

Next, you might ask yourself what are the often unspoken "rules" and expectations in the relationship for both of you that come from those motivations.

These "rules" and expectations have become the foundation of your relationship and when one person wants to change and the other one doesn't, there is certainly a violation of these rules and expectations.

You might ask yourself and your partner these questions...

1. What were the real reasons that you came together?
2. What did you hope to get out of the relationship?
3. Do you still want those things in your relationship?
4. What would you like for this relationship?

Above all, if you are wanting something different for your relationship, be conscious and clear about what you do want.

If you say "I want a deeper connection with you," clarify what that means to you--because those things mean something different to each one of us.

We are suggesting that if this or something similar is your relationship challenge, you take this opportunity to take a look at your relationship and to say "this is what I want." We also suggest that you invite your partner to explore what he/she wants.

An example might go something like this...

Sam works long hours outside the home and there's not much time for interaction with his partner Fran. Fran wants a deeper, more intimate connection with Sam but he doesn't seem to want it. One of the unspoken rules in their relationship was that Sam signed on to provide Fran financially with anything that she wanted and Fran signed on to be taken care of. The only problem is that now that they are older, she is more independent, making her own money, and she wants more for their relationship. She wants Sam to open up to her, spend more time, and connect deeper with her.

After doing some exploring on the questions that we gave above, Sam and Fran were able to get very clear on what they each wanted in their relationship. They were able to get past the "all or nothing" point by listening to each other and seeing where they might open to each other to get what they both wanted.

In your situation if you have this kind of discussion, there's always the chance that your partner might want something better or different also and you can take this opportunity to create something that perhaps was never there before.

There's also the chance that your partner is happy with the status quo and the old "rules" of the relationship. You may have two different sets of desires and this is usually what happens to couples who break up and go their separate ways.

So what about regrets if you stay in a relationship that isn't what you want and "settle" for something less? Regrets come from thinking wanting things to be different from what they truly are--and possibly holding onto the thought that the other person might have changed if you had just held on a little longer.

If you thoroughly explore what you both want in your relationship and look at the rules for how each of you want to live, it should become clear whether you want to spend your lives together or not. Even if regrets would surface, you'll be able to look at "what is" rather than hold on to "what I hoped would be."

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 02:58 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

One of the challenges in a long-term marriage or relationship is that the two people change through the years and these changes usually cause conflicts and disagreements.

Here's a question from a woman who is facing this kind of challenge in her long-term relationship and our advice to her...

"I have been battling with my husband of 25 years lately about the changes he has made in our marriage. He recently started playing poker with his buddies (which is fine). He stays at this guys house until 2:00 - 3:00 AM in the morning playing poker. I have come to deal with that since he doesn't do it often and not more than once a week.

"After that he started going religiously every Friday afternoon to sit and have a few beers with this same guy. He is never too busy to do this.

"I do not like this person. I feel he is a bad influence on my husband and I have asked him to curtail the amount of time he spends with him. Instead now - we are being invited every weekend to go hang out with him and his wife. I am okay with everyone now and then, but not every weekend.

"He thinks I am being ridiculous. When I ask him to do things around the house - he is too busy. I have compromised and told him that I will hang out with this guy once a month, but not every weekend. He tells me he will do what he wants and if I have a problem with it, I can pack my bags and leave.

"Remember - this isn't how my husband has ever acted in the past. He respected my feelings and at least tried to understand how I felt. Now, I just get this cold shoulder and he says he will do what he wants with no regard to my feelings or respect for how I feel.

"This guy goes to bars late at night without his wife and thinks that is okay. He drinks too much and is an alcoholic. He is dragging my husband right along with him and I do not like it.

"What do I do? We continually fight about this over and over and it just seems that my husband just hangs out with him more and more. What is it about this guy that he is willing to jeopardize his 25 year marriage over?"

Here's our advice...

--

Apparently, there's something that your husband finds fulfilling, fun, exciting (or he's getting some other need met) by being with his friend that he does not get in any other part of his life. While we don't know your husband's age, we're guessing that if you've been married that long, he's ripe for a mid-life crisis.

We've found that many men and women can both wake up one day, especially in their 50's, look at their lives and say to themselves, "Is that all there is?" That's how many people find themselves in affairs outside their marriage and other destructive ways of dealing with these feelings--something like what you see your husband doing.

You ask, "What is it about this guy that he is willing to jeopardize his 25 year marriage over?" and of course, we don't really know his reasons but whatever they are, your husband feels that being friends with this man and taking on his way of life is very important to him--so important that he has told you that if you aren't happy with these changes, you can leave.

We in no way are suggesting that you leave a 25 year marriage without first trying to save it. Here are some things that we recommend that you do...

1. Decide what you want in a marriage or relationship. Make a list and don't just put down "The way it used to be." Really dig deep and write down how you would like to be treated and how you would like to spend your time with a mate.

2. If your husband doesn't want to talk about the kind of relationship that you want (it doesn't sound like he does), we'd suggest that you find a therapist or coach who can support you as you work your way through deciding what you want for your life. You need support and you need a clear head to listen to you to help you sort out what you are and are not willing to have in your life.

3. Devise a plan for moving forward in your life--whichever direction you decide to take. Enlist the help of friends or family who will be a good support system for you.

People change throughout the years and if they are part of a couple, they can decide whether to change in ways that positively or negatively affect the relationship. It is a choice and in the end, everyone has to realize that each person has that choice. So do you.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 03:57 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

It's Susie and Otto Collins--here to give you advance notice about something we think you're going to want to be a part of--especially if you are interested creating more love and more connection in your relationships.

What's going on that is so exciting?

This Tuesday, January 23rd, 2007 at 12 NOON we're opening the doors to our brand new Passionate Heart Inner Circle Club and we're inviting you to join the club and get the first 30 days at no charge.

If learning the latest skills and strategies for living and loving with more passion and connection in your relationships and your life is important to you, then you're going to want to join us.

We've got some amazing information for you that you're going to find to be incredibly helpful in creating the relationships and life you really want.

This will be the latest information from us and other guest experts on creating more love, passion and connection in your life.

We're so excited about this and that's why we're going to be offering the first 30 days at no charge to you-- so you can start learning these new ideas for yourself and applying them in your own life.

Mark your calendars now for next Tuesday, January 23rd at 12 NOON.

That's when you'll want to visit the special members web site that we've set up where you can register to be a member of our new "Inner Circle" and get this new information we're talking about.

We think that this is something that you're really going to love and you're going to want to participate in.

We look forward to you joining our inner circle so that we can share some great resources with you!

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 09:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

The two of us absolutely love music and have had an especially good time watching concert dvds of our favorite artists. It's been a great way for us to connect with each other in the evenings and just enjoy ourselves!

Last week, Otto brought out the BeeGees collectors edition and we ended up spending the entire evening enjoying a 1997 concert and then a dvd of the group's history. We had a great time talking about what we learned about life and relationships from discovering things about the Brothers Gibb and we'd like to share some of our thoughts here...

1. As a group, the Bee Gees reinvented themselves several times during their brilliant songwriting and performing career. When there was adversity and it looked like the Bee Gees' great success was over, they simply reinvented their music or the way they offered their gifts.

In our lives and relationships, we are all constantly changing. No one stays the same. One of the success strategies from people in long-lasting relationships that are alive, connected and filled with love is their ability to "reinvent" their relationship. In our relationship coaching practice, we've noticed that many couples put their relationship "on hold" as the years go by, especially with the addition of children and careers. One day, they usually wake up and wonder why there's such emptiness in their lives and why their relationship seems to have died. Successful couples don't allow that to happen and if they notice that it has, they take a fresh look at their relationship and pump new life into it.

2. According to their documentary, one of the secrets to the long-lasting success of the Bee Gees has been their ability to focus. We learned that they have been able to write hit songs in a very short time, with two hits being written in one afternoon. They also knew from an early age (Barry was 9 years old and Maurice and Robin were 6 years old) exactly what they wanted to do and they have focused their efforts toward that dream their entire lives.

We've discovered that one secret to a relationship filled with passion, love and connection is making that relationship a priority or a focus--as well as being able to envision the kind of relationship that you want. Couples who don't take each other for granted, who know how they want their relationship to be, and are constantly doing things that will bring them what they want are successful. Those who do the opposite are usually left wondering what went wrong and with an empty feeling.

3. In the words of the Bee Gees, one of the reasons that they have been phenomenally succussful as singers and songwriters is that they kept their connection with each other alive throughout the five decades that they were together. Not that they were connected at all times during those five decades but rather that they were able to do their best work, both on-stage or off-stage, when they felt a strong connection with each other.

Whether you are in a relationship or not, you probably feel your best when you feel a connection with others or with something like nature, a hobby or your work. You probably experience having more of an open heart at those times and a feeling that you are "in the groove" or "riding the wave." We've found that connection is a choice in every moment. We have the opportunity to choose whether to feel a connection with someone or something or to feel isolated and alone. Whether you are part of a couple or not, we suggest that you open your heart to feeling a connection. If you do, we're sure that you will feel more alive than you have ever felt.
It's been true for us and we know that it can be true for you.

We invite you to either rediscover the music of the Bee Gees or discover it for the first time--and consider adopting some of the ideas that we've written about in this article in your life. Life is too short for disconnection. Choose to reach out to someone and find out how good it can feel.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 11:50 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Recently, we received a couple of great questions from one of our newsletter subscribers and we thought that the topic raised a challenge that many people seem to have in their relationships.

Here is what the person wrote...

"Is it possible to treat someone too special? Can you give some examples on how to become someone who can attract more love, passion and connection?"

Here's our take on treating someone too special...

1. First of all, we all have different definitions of what being treated "special" means to us and some of us may not even want to be treated "special." Since we all have had different experiences from which we have formed our beliefs and attitudes, this is a very common pitfall that anyone can fall into when their belief system says this--

LOVE = Treating someone special in ways that "I" think are special and in ways that I would want to be treated.

The other person can and often does equate this "special" treatment with being controlled or being smothered. The person who gives the "special" treatment meets resistance, anger or withdrawal and has no clue why it happened.

A good example of this happened in our friend's life. She had been dating a man for awhile and had fallen into the habit of "doing" things for him that he usually didn't appreciate. One time, she cleaned out his garage as a surprise for him and he was really upset with her when he found out what she had done. He felt controlled and manipulated by her actions and she was only trying to help him and make him feel "special." Her "good" intentions backfired and she wondered why he had such a strong negative reaction to her actions.

They just weren't on the same "page" with what they each considered to be an expression of love.

2. We would suggest that the person who wants to treat another "special" take some time to examine his/her motivation in doing so. While there's certainly nothing wrong in treating a loved one as the special person they are in your life, it can get you into big trouble if your motivation is to get something in return for doing it.

If this is your challenge, you might say that your intentions and motivations are only to give love--but on a closer look, are they?

Often, there's an unspoken assumption that "if I do this for you, you will give me the love or attention that I want in return." It usually backfires and the giver feels empty and not appreciated, valued or loved.

The friend in our example wanted her boyfriend to show his gratitude and appreciation for what she had done and she wanted his attention. "Doing" for others was a way that she could by-pass truly looking inside herself for what she wanted. She just "expected" to get what she wanted in return.

While we all like receiving gratitude and appreciation, doing things for others with the idea that you are going to get them in return can lead you down a long, lonely road.

If you do things for others with unspoken expectations of what you want in return, it usually ends up being painful for all involved.

Not only would it have been better for our friend to have found out if her boyfriend wanted his garage cleaned out and if he wanted her to do it, but it also would have been healthier if she would have examined her motives in doing it in the first place. If she wanted more of his attention, she could have talked with him about how she would like their relationship to be and listened with an open heart to find out how he would like it to be--which had nothing to do with cleaning the garage.

She may or may not have gotten the answers that she wanted but they may have been able to come to an agreement about their relationship that would have suited them both.

Here are our comments to the second question from our newsletter subscriber--that go along with the first question...

How do you become someone who can attract more love, passion and connection?

1. Adopt an attitude of openness. We all close ourselves off from others when we feel fearful or any number of other emotions. When we feel ourselves closing, practice challenging that closing and open your heart.

2. Take a look at your rules. We all have rules by which we run our lives. Some rules serve us and some don't. When we clash with loved ones (or anyone for that matter), it's usually a rules violation. When there's a challenge, learn to look at your rules from an objective place and decide if this is a rule that you can relax and possibly look at from someone else's view or if it's one that you feel you have to remain rigid in upholding.

3. Ask before suggesting or doing. So often we act only from our point of view and experiences. We offer advice, comments, or help without knowing whether the other person is open and wants the advice, comments or help. Always ask first.

4. Listen with an open heart. The art of listening isn't taught and few of us truly do it. As someone else is talking, there's usually a dialogue going on in our own heads and we aren't truly present when others speak. The practice of listening with an open heart (without defending oneself) is one of the best ways we've found to attract more passion, love and connection into your life.

5. Find healthy ways to show your love. Be clear about your expectations and motivations, find out how the other person likes to be loved and make agreements when they are needed. If you get caught in the "doing for
others to get love" trap and it's not working, then stop your habitual "doing" and find some other way to express
your love. Instead of expensive gifts that are unappreciated, you might want to truly be present with your partner and enjoy their company.

6. Ask for what you want from a place of openness and love. Get to know yourself and then start creating your
relationship the way you both want it to be--by focusing on what you want rather than what you don't want.

We are all in relationships to heal, learn, grow and yes, to enjoy life. If you are having challenges, take whatever of our suggestions that speak to you and try them. If you do, we think that you will start seeing some positive changes in your life.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 12:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Happy New Year...

We don't normally make predictions. We typically try to leave that up to the newspapers you find in the checkout lines at the grocery store.

But since it's now 2007, we couldn't help but make one prediction about your relationships that is GUARANTEED to be true for the coming year.

We'll also offer some tips for creating more passion, love and connection in the coming year.

So-- what's our prediction?

It's that your relationship or marriage will be pretty much the same as it was in the previous year unless you change.

Just yesterday, Otto was talking with a potential coaching client by phone and she was asking how she could get her partner to open up to her more and how she could rebuild their relationship.

It was clear from the conversation that she was really wanting the relationship to get back to a place where she and her partner could feel closer and more connected.

She told Otto that they once had a great relationship but work, the amount of time she spent with friends and other factors has created distance between the two of them. She felt like everything she was doing to rebuild their relationship was creating the opposite of what she wanted and seemed to be pushing him further away.

As Otto listened to her, it became clear to him that this woman was spending a great deal of time effort and energy trying to "fix" it for her partner.

She felt that if she couldn't get him to open up to her and "work on their relationship," their 8 year marriage would probably end.

There's much more to this situation than we can go into in this brief newsletter article-- but one thing that's for sure was that she needed a different strategy if she was to rebuild her relationship with her mate.

One of the things that Otto told her was that instead of trying to "fix" her husband, what she should probably commit to was becoming THE person who would attract the kind of relationship she wanted once again with her husband.

What we have discovered after working with hundreds and hundreds of individuals and couples in our relationship coaching practice is that you certainly can't make anyone open their heart to you and magically fall in love with you all over again no matter how much you try.

What you CAN do is spend time working on yourself and become so incredible that your partner (or potential partner if you're not with someone) will notice.

Here are some tips for creating the best relationship or marriage possible in 2007...

1) Become the kind of person who could attract the love, passion and connection you want.

Please know that we're not just talking about this in the context of a *new* partner. We believe that we're constantly renewing and regenerating our relationship into something new (and hopefully better) all the time.

2) Approach Your relationship or marriage from a place of wonder and excitement.

Many people get into a relationship and before long stop doing the things that made the relationship great in the first place. Never stop doing what made you fall in love. If you've stopped, start again.

3) If you want a truly wonderful relationship, one of the keys is to look at and treat your partner or spouse as your "beloved" or "someone special."

In our own lives, one of the primary reasons our relationship continues to grow and get better all the time is because we treat each other "special" as much as possible.

Focus on treating the people you care about in your life as special and we think you'll be amazed at the transformation that will happen right before your eyes.

As we begin this new year, we know that we (or anyone) can't predict how your relationships or marriage will turn out.

What we can tell you is this...

The quality of your relationships will be determined by factors such as your intentions, your attitudes, your beliefs, your relationship rules and the actions you take to create what you want.

Please know that whatever you focus on in your relationships and your life in the new year is going to expand.

If you spend your time, effort and energy focusing on love, passion and connection, you'll create more of that. If you spend your time, effort and energy focusing on the things you don't want in your relationships and life, you'll attract more of that.

Nothing happens by accident, especially creating a great relationship.

Creating an outstanding relationship or marriage simply requires you to do things that create more love, and connection and not stop doing them no matter what.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 11:39 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)