Jealousy over an Ex--Can it be overcome?
Here's a question from one of our website visitors that centers around a problem that tends to create a lot of jealousy in relationships...
"My lover is supporting his ex girlfriend and her 3 children from her marriage to another man. Although, she has another lover currently, my boyfriend feels that she needs financial help with the kids as her current lover can't afford to do that. I'm feeling insecure. I worry that one day his ex lover may take take my lover's help as an indication that he still holds a special place for her in his heart and may try to come back to him. My boyfriend told me that he's over with his ex gal but he's just helping out. Please help me overcome this feeling of jealousy. I feel that he still loves her."
Here's our advice...
You have to decide to separate fact from what you are making up in your head and playing over and over to keep your agitation going. If you have anything concrete that you can point to that indicates that he still love his ex, then you have to decide what you are going to do. If this ex causes problems, other than him giving her money, then you need to address them. If your boyfriend truly just wants to help the kids, and he may, you have to decide whether you're going to stop your stories in your head or not.
Through our work with hundreds of people around this topic, one thing we've learned is that jealousy is a habit that you can get over. So, the first order of business to getting over this habit is to separate what is "true" from what you are assuming or fearing will happen in the future. The truth is that all we have is the current moment and the trick to breaking the jealousy habit is to stay in the current moment. When you find yourself fearing the future or dwelling on what happened in the past, pull yourself into the current moment and focus on what you want your relationship to be with your lover.
It seems that you need to also begin asking yourself what you want from your relationship with this man and how you want to be treated by him. Talk together about how you'd both like your relationship to be--and leave out the ex. Start focusing on what you want rather than what you don't want.
We have a free course and also a paid course on jealousy to help anyone break their jealous habit. If you are jealous, we invite you to begin making some positive changes in your life and moving toward the relationship and life that you want.
Susie
