Love and Relationship Advice Blog

In the December 2006 issue of "Performing Songwriter," there's a great interview with Keith Urban of country music fame where he not only talks about his music but also discusses marriage and relationships. Since he did not marry until he was 38 to actress Nicole Kidman, we thought he had some insightful things to say about the institution of marriage.

In our opinion, one of the most important things that Keith had to say in the interview was this when he was asked if he had fears that maybe the right one wouldn't come along...
"I thought that the right one would come along but I knew that it would take me becoming the right one first."

He went on to say that "It's easy for us to think that someone's going to come along and fix everything and make you a better person. But you've got to bring something to the table, so I had a lot of work to do on myself. And still do. But I believe that I've found the right person and that we can go the distance together."

While we don't think that everyone has to wait until age 38 to get married or there is any age more appropriate than others to take that big step--we do think that it's wise to have a good idea of who you are and what you want in life before making that commitment.

Do you have to be "perfect" in having yourself all together before you marry? We don't think there is any such thing as perfection. There's always room for growth. What we do believe is that it's important to know yourself enough to know what you want in life, have the attitude of growing constantly, and choose someone who you can grow with--someone you can "go the distance together" as Keith said.

Too often, people choose their partners unconsciously and they "fall" into their relationships and marriage as if by default. We're advocating that before you commit to someone in a marriage situation, you take some time and look at yourself and your goals, values and aspirations--as well as your partner's. When you do, you get a better idea of where the two of you might go together as a couple and how you might grow together.

Growing together is one of the biggest ways to keep a marriage alive, passionate and full of love over the long haul. So often, married couples or couples who have been together for many years find themselves growing in different directions and the glue that held them together just seems to dry up. They might stay together for the kids or for other reasons but the passion just seems to disappear.

We know that it doesn't have to be that way. If you commit to growing together and do the things that will keep you doing that, you can keep the passion and love alive between the two of you.

One of the other secrets to keeping a relationship alive is what Keith said about continuously working on himself. When each person in the relationship brings the attitude that personal growth and change is good, as well as a shared vision for what they want their relationship to be, there is a far greater chance that the relationship will last for the long haul.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 01:48 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

There seem to be so many mysteries when it comes to dating and one of the big ones is this question...
"Is this the right person for me to spend my life with?"

One of our blog readers wrote this observation and advice and we thought it was a great place to begin talking about this topic...

"I met and married my wife when she was still very young. She was impetuous and somewhat of a spoiled little princess but I had figured she would mature out of it. When she was not throwing a hissy she was a delightful person. Well its 9 years later and the hissies show little sign of abating... well they have mellowed a fractionally but not like I imagined. In retrospect and the advice I will give to my own children is know yourself before you find a mate to spend eternity with. In knowing yourself, you achieve a sense of balance in your own energy and can find a mate not out of need but out of the joy of being with them."

It's common knowledge that most of us are attracted to people who are seemingly our opposites and bring out something in us that we feel is lacking or fills a need in our lives that we have.

While this is a completely "normal" way of choosing a partner, if you're not careful, you can fall into any number of pot holes along the way.

A couple of these "pot holes" might look something like this...

1.Subscribing to this belief--"Men marry women hoping they won't change and women marry men hoping they will."
Now we believe that either men or women could have either belief as they enter a marriage which is proven by the story sent in by our blog reader. Whichever gender is believing what--there's always tension and disconnection created because of expectations that never quite hold true.

If you are in a relationship thinking that the other person's behavior will "get better" when you get married or when a number of years pass, you will probably be in for a rude awakening as the man in our example seemed to experience. People do not change unless they want to change--and it's often these faulty expectations that we have of each other that cause us to question why we are in the relationship and can hasten the end of a relationship.

2. Not accepting, embracing and even learning from each other's differences.
Since we tend to choose partners who are our opposites in many ways, why not learn from our differences. People want to know how the two of us who are very different in so many ways can be in business together, share the same office and essentially be together 24/7 and still be close, connected and loving with each other. We have learned and are still learning how to accept each other's differences, not make the other person wrong for being different from us, and even learn from those differences.

We suggest that you start appreciating differences when you are dating but also not close your eyes to differences that are unacceptable to you and the life that you want to lead. We know that it can be difficult to observe differences and to discern whether these are things that are "deal breakers" or things that you need to learn to appreciate and maybe even embrace in yourself.

We suggest that you have fun and enjoy the partners that you choose while constantly keeping in mind what it is that you want in a partner and in a relationship. What you want can include being with someone who is very different from you but also someone who has similar core values and beliefs.

There are no guarantees in life and certainly not in relationships. But what we can say is that if you choose a partner who enjoys growing and you honor each other's growth and changes while keeping your connection, you'll have a great time and a lot of joy with each other.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 04:34 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

One of our newsletter subscribers asked us recently...

"How can I tell the difference between falling in love with a person's 'potential' and falling in love with someone who I can have a true soul/heart connection with?"

This is such a good question because whether you are single, between relationships or are in a long-term
committed marriage or relationship, this question is one that many people face as they change, grow and move through their lives.

The typical scenario around this topic goes something like this...

You may like or love many (or a few) parts of the relationship with this person and you see glimpses every now and then of what it "could" be. But the truth of it is--you never seem to really feel that full potential realized. Something always seems to happen to stop or sabotage those good feelings and your relationship seems to always fall short of what it might be.

You also keep hanging in there because you just *know* that he or she can be better or be more than they are
currently showing or giving you.

While every relationship is different, a few things could be going on...
1. If you are attracting partners who have a lot of "potential" but never fully come through, believe it or not, you may be setting yourself up for relationship failure because it serves your needs. You may be attracting these types of partners because that situation gives you an opportunity to "fix" someone else--and that is a comfortable role for you even though you may not realize it.

2. You may also be attracting someone with a lot of "potential" to you because deep in your heart, you don't feel that you deserve to be in a fully alive, growing relationship that serves your needs.

3. You may have blocks to receiving love.

4. You may have seen this dynamic in action when you were growing up and you are unconsciously imitating it.

Well--if you're saying right now, this is all about me--what about the other person who isn't fully living up to his/her
potential?

Of course, it always takes "two to tango" in relationships and we recognize this. That's what relationships are about. But what we know for sure, nothing will change unless you start dealing with your part in whatever relationship dance is going on.

What we've discovered in our own past relationships and in relationships of our coaching clients are a couple of things about this issue...

1. Many people don't consciously pay attention and listen to the clues that they are given of the other person's true
nature and core essence before they get deeply involved with them. Usually, if we ask our coaching clients who are in this situation, they will admit that they heard what they wanted to hear and didn't accept what the other person was saying.

2. When faced with this issue in a long-term relationship where one person may have grown and the other chose
not to grow in the same direction, many people hang on to what "could" be instead of what both people are actually
wanting this relationship to be. People either hang on for years, living with feelings of longing for something better
or waiting for the other person to end the relationship--or they choose to move on.

3. If you are saying to yourself "If only he'd be this way.."or any other "if only," it may be a smoke screen that is
diverting your attention away from looking at your needs, confronting your situation and moving toward what you
want.

In order to create closer, more connected relationships in your life, we encourage you to always be consciously moving toward what you want.

Here are a few suggestions for you to help you with this type of issue...

1. Step back and honestly assess your situation from a different perspective--as objectively as possible.

2. Ask yourself what you want in your relationship and from a partner. Take some time with this one and be honest with yourself.

3. Begin focusing on what you like, love and appreciate about this person as you are exploring both of your needs
in the relationship.

Ask yourself some of these questions-
What do I love about my partner?
What's great about our relationship?
What does he/she brings to the relationship that no
one else has done before?

4. Ask what your partner truly wants. If you don't know, then ask. This can be a positive and extremely helpful
conversation if you take your ego, preconceived ideas defending and all judgment out of your listening.

5. Talk about what you are both willing to do so that both of your needs are met. You'll learn a lot from this discussion.

6. Feel into your heart if you can have what you want with this person.

Being loved for who you are is the most wonderful gift you can receive and also that you can give.

We urge you to love honestly.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 03:39 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Keeping the spark alive in today's busy world can seem to be an insurmountable problem. Here's a common question that we received and we know that many people share in this woman's frustration--

"We used to have a spark, but after 21 years its now gone. I want to know how to get it back as i don't feel excited any more. How can he want to make love to me and think of me after 21 years?"

Here's a romantic tip, as well as our advice...

We've said it many times, but we'll say it again--rekindling the spark that was once between you takes two things:
1. A commitment and desire to rekindling the spark
2. Consciously opening your heart and doing some things that will rekindle spark

We'll add a third thing--Adopting a sense of fun and adventure around this topic.

So what's our "romantic idea," especially for couples who want to rekindle spark?

"Make love" in moments throughout the day!

We know what you might be saying.."I don't have time and I'm too tired to make love throughout the day. Besides, I rarely see him/her!"

We suggest that you first make the most out of the time that you have together. If it's 15 minutes when you both get home in the evening, take that 15 minutes and connect with your eyes and even your hands.

You can "make love" in the car when you are traveling--even with kids in the back seat. Sometimes we "make love" and connect with our hands when we are on long trips. Our hands lightly touch as we open our hearts to each other. It's our intention to give and receive love in this way and it certainly keeps us connected.

Be inventive and playful. You can even do this at the breakfast table. What we've discovered is that so many people crave loving touch and they don't get enough of it. We suggest that if you want to begin getting your spark back, take a step (which sometimes takes courage) to do something different and shake up your routine.

Start now to begin feeling alive and excited again.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 12:05 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

The decision to separate and divorce is never an easy choice to make, especially when there are children to be considered. There are usually many factors that go into making that kind of decision but it usually boils down to one of two ideas--"What will bring me the most love?" or "What will bring me the least amount of pain?"

Here's a question from a reader who has been in a relationship with a married man and is trying to understand why he is choosing to stay in an unhappy marriage--

"I have never gotten over the love of my life who chose to stay in a marriage for a child. but we travel in the same circle of friends and the story is always the same. they are still unhappy. so, when? when do we accept that we are allowed mistakes in life and are allowed to be happy? why is so much quilt present even after you have really tried?"

This woman is certainly in a painful and not too uncommon situation where she finds that she frequently interacts with someone she secretly loves and there doesn't seem to be any hope that the two of them will ever be together.

Here are a few of our thoughts about this...

Although we don't know the particulars of this specific situation, we'd be willing to bet that the man she loves has taken the less painful course of action which is to stay in his marriage. While we don't know if this man is as much in love with this woman as she is with him and we don't know if he truly is unhappy with his life with his wife, this much is clear--he is making a choice. Whether this choice is based more on his fearing the pain that separating from his child (or even his wife) would bring or something else, he is making a choice about the direction he wants his life to take.

Guilt can certainly play a big part in this type of decision, especially when children are involved, and there can be so many factors from the past that play into keeping guilt alive in this type of situation. We've discovered that a person has to want to deal and heal his/her guilt that usually goes beyond this current situation. Many people would rather hang on to guilt because it's a familiar feeling, it serves a purpose, they feel like they don't deserve happiness or they are more afraid of expanding and making changes in their life than they are of staying in the situation.

While we in no way are saying that this man needs to leave his child and his marriage, we are saying that staying because of guilt--if that's truly what's going on--can be and usually is unhealthy and usually painful for everyone involved.

Our advice to the woman (or anyone else in a similar situation) who asked these questions is this...

Take stock of why you are hanging on to this relationship and start shifting your perceptions. While we know how sometimes the feeling is that true love only comes around once and we'd better hang onto it--it's better to look at a situation that is going no where and be grateful for it, while looking at and learning from the lessons that you learned. It may be that you learned what true love looks like for you and now you can hold that feeling in your heart while letting go that this person has to be the one that gives it to you.

Look to what you want in a relationship and know that you can find that with someone else when you open to that possibility.

Begin moving in different circles where you do not have to keep interacting with this man and his wife and keep this unhealthy relationship dance going. Tough medicine but in order to move on, that's our best advice.

Posted by Susie and Otto Collins at 03:25 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)