Should They Separate if There's No Marriage Commitment?
We received this question from a woman and it seems to be one that many people face...
"I've been living with a man for 5 years. I love him very much, and want to spend my life with him. However, he still has not asked me to marry him, after 5 years. I have become resentful toward his lack of commitment, and acted out by "picking" on him. I've also made it clear that I want to get married, and not live together indefinitely. Due to the "picking" from my side, and his increased withdrawal from commitment, we are having problems (communicating and sexually). We are now seeing a counselor. We both want the relationship to work, but are both depressed and sad about the current situation. I fear my resentment toward him for not asking will never be healed, and now that we are having problems, the timing is not good. Any recommendations or advice on what to do? I have time and energy invested, but wonder if we are just in a down swing, or have irreparable damage."
This is a pretty common dynamic when two people want different levels of commitment in a relationship. The person who wants a deeper commitment ends up pushing to get it and like this woman, often "picks" at the other person. Like this woman's partner, it's pretty common for the other person to simply withdraw from the relationship.
Although this is a tough situation, there are some things that we'd recommend...
1. Stop yourself when you want to pick at him and draw your focus into yourself. Start feeling your feelings and honoring them instead of burying them by picking at him.
2. Decide what you want in this relationship--besides getting married. Chances are there are some things that you'd like more of or less of. Begin focusing on the positive changes that you can begin making and ask your partner how he'd like your relationship to change and grow.
3. It's great that you both are in therapy. Take advantage of this to really look at what needs to be healed within you and ask for help to do it.
4. Give your healing a chance and if he doesn't seem to want to grow with you, then you have a decision to make about the relationship.
